[ESGirl101]

I have been in a steady relationship for over a year and love my boyfriend to pieces. We have plans to live together when I graduate. I know porn is 100% normal and have read lots of comments from people on here saying that everyone does it and it's not a big deal. I used to be of this train of thought but have suffered from anorexia and bulimia for four years but have recently, since being with him, recovered. My boyfriend always told me he didn't look at porn which thrilled me, even though I never came out and asked him directly if he did or not. Now I have found out that he does. I am not upset that he likes to watch it, it is mainly topless pictures of blonde, bronzed beauties with no stretch marks! It has triggered my eating disorder again and I am finding it very hard to cope with. It also hurts he lied to me when I never asked him about it! I know it is normal and that the best thing to do is to be fine with it but unfortunately I do not have the confidence to "chill out" or "ease up" with things like this. I feel I would be fine with it if I looked like the girls he looked at, but I never will. I don't want to stop our relationship but I am scared of relapsing. Any advice with coping?

[HALFNOTHING]

porn is only a fantasy.. porn is only a tool to make their male drive acts.. no big deal..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It seems that he was "covering" because he was looking at it, as you never asked but he made that statement.

Guys make statements that they "think" are true at the time. But, they are not later.

Perhaps he started looking after making that statement as an after thought.

You don't have to accept anything that you don't like or that creates an in-security in your life, because we only live one life.

It has triggered your eating disorder and that is NOT good.

You feel that he lied to you so you have to establish this, whether he did, or as a result of making that comment to you, he started.

If he lied, then you have to be straight with him and advise him that lies, means NON TRUST. And, non trust, means no relationship and get to the bottom of it.

Don't start the non eating thing over something your not absolutely knowledgeable at this stage as to the WHY?

You need to talk to him...

Off course your scared, but you don't have to chill or ease up.... He has breached a trust in you.

Talk to him about it, seeing as he got you over it to start with and see where that conversation goes.

Until you converse you won't know.

Take care and keep your chin up.

CW

[ESGirl101]

Thank you so much for your advice.

He was definitely lying. He was open at the beginning of our relationship in saying he looked at it before he was with me, and I was fine with this.

But he told me on Saturday he didn't look at it and even went as far as to say he never even thought of anyone else. And like a sucker I believed this (feel very silly now). On Sunday I found some naked girl pics on his computer from a few weeks ago and I did talk to him and he has said he has been looking at it "for a while" but "couldn't remember" if he's been doing it for the whole time we've been together.

I would love to be fine about it, and probably would be if he hadn't lied. I am fine with videos because I understand guys are visual, but when I feel so about the way I look and just want to be thin, him looking at skinny and gorgeous girls breaks my heart.

Thanks again for your advice, I am so glad that being hurt isn't completely unreasonable.

[Neaky]

As Baby says, it's just a fantasy.. But i could understand why you'd be insecure about what THEY look like.. They may be "pretty" or "hot" but really, they aren't. It's mostly make-up and airbrushing, just like on TV shows. I can guarantee you that your boyfriend loves you 100% for who you are and what you look like and that when he needs a quick fix and you're not around, it's just something to let it go, ya know? I bet that if you were around when he got that urge, he'd be making love to you.

My guys the same.. When i'm not around and he's in the mood, he pops up a clip or 2 and that's it. I didn't like that he watched it at first but he assured me that it was just a way to release when i wasn't there for some fun or lovin.. Unless it becomes an issue and interferes with your relationship and/or sex life then i honestly think you have nothing to worry or fret about.

He's with you because he loves you for who you are, inside and out, don't forget that. Don't think that just because of what todays society deems as "hot" "sexy" or "beautiful" means that you have to look like all the rest of them. You are you for a reason.. Created just how you are and you are beautiful. DO NOT FORGET THAT.

[ESGirl101]

Thank you so much for your advice, Neaky. It has helped tremendously. He got so embarassed when I confronted him that we haven't spoken at all about why he feels the need to do it. This really makes me feel better as all aspects of our relationship are great. I would love to try and build on this to put things back to how they were. I wish he would be happy to choose more normal looking girls, but perhaps that is just the way they are made to think these days. Thanks again so much. I think I will always be sad about it but it has definitely taken the edge off my anxiety.

[Hopeless Dork]

Esgirl,

I do understand what you mean. The difference between pictures of just beautiful naked women alone , standing there is more hurtful than a guy (to me anyway) watching sex videos. My boyfriend does both but its the pictures that make me want to cry, make me feel ugly and make me feel like I need to leave him because I'll never be as good for him as he must thinks those girls are.

I have asked him about it. I declared my views that if he is just looking at a woman, how can it not be that he is wanting to have sex with that woman. It's all just body parts to him he said, no emotional connection, no fantasizing about wanting to be with that specific person and not comparing me to them or wishing I were more like them.

I try to believe that, but even if all that were true, him being aroused by just some girl posing naked or partially naked feels insulting. I do so many things to turn him on and make him feel good and this girl just has to stand there and it's enough for him. So how is that supposed to make me feel.

Surely the next time he wants sex, if I were to just stand there and pose it would NOT be enough to get him to climax. Since he can do so with these girls... of COURSE it makes me feel inadequate and not hot enough for him.

With sex videos it doesn't feel like that, it doesn't hurt me and make me feel inadequate , to each their own but thats just how it feels to me.

I've taken the emotional stance that as long as he is still attentive to my needs, still appreciative of the ways I please him, still reminding me how much he finds me sexy and still desiring a healthy amount of intimacy from me I am not going to let whichever kind of porn he chooses ruin my day.

But must admit, when a day goes by that maybe he is just tired, stressed or not in the mood for some reason, in the back of my mind I think... maybe he'd rather be looking at porn, or has already done so, or wants to save his orgasm for that later. I never use to feel that way before I saw the kind of thing he likes to look at.

I know a lot of guys look at porn, I know that as long as it doesn't interfere with their drive to be with you also and instead of it , that its not a problem worth walking out on. Not a problem worth making yourself sick over, or falling into bad patterns like eating disorders. Especially when they don't think of it like we do. We see them looking at it through our eyes, what it would mean to us if WE were doing something like that and that is not how it is for them.

I am sure a man would choose the companionship and sex life of an awesome gf or wife to viewing random strangers who don't give a shirt about them, but since we are awesome gf's/wives we'll never make them make that choice and find ways to deal with the occasional hurt and ego-blows.

Could they? If the shoe was on the other foot... I'd wager to guess the male ego is fragile enough when it comes to pleasing their woman, to think that their woman needs to be stimulated occasionally by the look of another man's face, body, penis, would upset them quite a bit. Lucky for them , its not an experience they have to deal with.

[ESGirl101]

Hey,

Thanks so much for this comment, it means so much because this is exactly how I feel. I am almost fine with videos because I understand that men are visual and that watching sex is just a quick-fix while I am not around. It is the pictures that are hurtful for all the reasons you've said. Also I find because they are airbrushed and moderated into the most beautiful and attractive they can be for a man. If I stood in the same pose as these pictures it would be all pale skin and stretch marks for him to see. Not quite the same erotic appeal. It hurts a lot that one picture alone is capable of bringing him to climax because it is that thought that he has been focusing that feeling on one woman for a long while is really hurtful to me because I know a picture of me would never cause that.

It is also making me cautious now when we are out that these blonde and tanned beauties are catching his eye, when before I believed him when he said he wasn't into the Barbie look. It is really hurtful to me.

You're right, I don't think they could handle it if we watched it and then discussed it as openly as they did. I think it would hurt them too. Especially since I know that most of my girl friends very rarely, if ever, get to climax during penetrative sex. If I told my boyfriend about the times I faked it I know it would upset him, so it would be a double blow if he knew I could receive climax while looking at other men.

I really appreciate your comment - it is so good to have someone understand that! I hate these pictures. Now, like you, I always wonder that they are on his mind instead of me, and if he closes his eyes when we make love that's when I panic.

We do have to put up with a lot, as girls, I feel. It is a shame, but thanks for your advice, I guess this is really not something worth walking out on. x

[HALFNOTHING]

don't worry.. men always say WOW whenever they see beautiful and sexy girls.. i think, its nature.. even us women do. we attracted to handsome men whenever we look at them.. looking at those pictures doesn't mean that he doesn't love you anymore.. I'm hundred % sure of it.. think of these girls when they are not wearing and apply all those wears and make up, they will definitely look ugly.. the difference of them and us is that they have make up artist and regular cosmetology that always caring their skin.. if you are using all the thing and can afford to surgery you will be absolutely beautiful and sexy than these girls...

[Dannie Lyn]

Guy's who are more into porn than into the real thing are usually pretty messed up and you shouldn't waste any more precious time on him..