[solonelyrightnow]

Me and my husband have been married for several years, well twenty to be exact. We have been very happy the last 19, last year I discovered he was cheating on me not with one but there was three of them. One that lived in our town and the other two on the internet. Like most women I said I would leave him when it came right down to it I couldn't . We have been trying to work on the marridge for the past year.

Our sex life has been really good up until I dicovered the affair, and recently he tells me that he is having problems getting it up. I have tried everything imaginable to get him going, he just rejects me and tells me its not me its him. Very frustrating to say the least, I have cried myself to sleep several times because I can't handle being rejected over and over. Ever since last year he just jumps on me usally just to get himself off for a few minutes and gets off. I cant' remember the last time we have made love and forget about my needs cant remember the last time he paid attention to me. To clear a few things for you before I go on, we are both in our 30s, both very physically fit, not to sound conceeded but I do look good for my age, have worked hard to keep my body in good shape and not to let myself go.

This morning I have yet again tried to get him going with not even a slight motion out of him, So I decieded to go into the kitchen just to cool off and wipe the tears from my eyes. I heard the shower come on in our bathroom so I assumed he got in the shower so I walk into the bathroom glance at him through the shower door as I always do at first I thought he was just washing himself, mind you he does not know I'm standing there and I see him masturbading. I watch him for the next several minutes make sure my eyes are not playing tricks on me, as I'm watching him my mouth just hits the floor and tears are in my throat. I have been trying to get this man into bed for several days, for god sakes we are married. I feel so betrayed at this moment, he would rather do that than be with me. Can someone help and give me some insight on this

[Hopeless Dork]

How heartbreaking this must be for you.. not only the cheating, but also him not considering your needs as well as denying you the opportunity to feel close to him sexually.

Maybe he feels guilty, or maybe he is just increddibly selfish but either way his actions are bringing you pain. I respect your decision to try to work out your marriage but he is the one that broke it, if he doesn't participate in the fixing of it... you are banging your head up against a wall.

A while back in my relationship, me and my boyfriend went through a phase were he was not very sexual with me. I was feeling a bit rejected and hurt but nothing compared to when I saw he was still viewing porn and relieving himself when I wasn't around. I felt like you that he'd rather do it to himself then let me do it for him, let me be pleased by him at the same time and let us be close to each other.

I stewed for a long time over and finally came out and told him that I knew, and that I was hurt. I explained why it bothered me from my heart. I didn't yell or accuse I just explained how it made me feel so unnatractive or uninteresting to him. All of which he never wanted me to feel.

Ever since that conversation several months ago our sex life has improved by about 100%. He wasn't aware how much I desired him before or what his intimate attention did for me not only sexually, but emotionally.

We worked it out, had I not said anything, things probably would have continued on that way indefinitly and I would have grown more and more resentful untimately ending the relationship that was making us both so very happy in all other aspects.

Now, we are not perfect, but we are closer than ever.

You and your husband have 2 paths you can take from this point, one leading to a renewed and strenghted marriage that stood one of the greatest challenges in a relationship, rised to the occasion and beat it. It will take openness on both of your parts, not just yours to get there.

The other road, is a downhill slope.. filled with insecurity, fear, resentment, guilt, hate and over all discontent for and with each other.

Has marriage counseling ever been an option? Would be worth a try, after 19 years you both owe that to each other I think.

[WildChild]

Well when I first glanced at this, my thought was to get him in for testing but if he's masterbating the problem lies else where. Sounds emotional. My guess would be either guilt or he is emotionally entangled elsewhere. Have you considered counseling? If nothing else it should help you decide what you want to do.

[solonelyrightnow]

he refuses to talk about it and shuts down when I try talking to him. He refuses to go for help

[WildChild]

Then you need to see a counselor. To help you cope, They may be able to give you some tools or skills to help. These things don't happen in a vacuum. Having a disinterested third party to talk with can really help.

[baja]

Solonelyrightnow, wow ... this breaks my heart

The way you describe your husband, I am not sure counseling will help. Of course, it definitely couldn't hurt, but it really concerns me how he 1) cheated with not one but THREE women, 2) how he merely "uses" you in bed and shows no genuine affection, 3) passive aggressively waits for you to leave the bed to do his thing in the shower and 4) refuses to communicate.

You are clearly trying hard -- and you probably don't want to hear this right now -- but from how this looks to me, I don't believe he loves you anymore. He's punishing you, and from where I come from, he is not a husband on so many different levels.

You're attractive, fit and in your prime -- might be time to consider turning the page and starting your next chapter.