[Ladybg27]

I discovered last night that my fiancé has a six month old son. I found
a child support order in his closet. When I confronted him he told me he begged her to have an abortion, but she refused to. Now her son is here and was named a jr. after my fiancé. This is especially hard because I'm in love with this man. He was my first boyfriend and my first at 15 years old and although we seperated for sometime we got back together when I turned 21 and we've been together ever since. Now we've been together for six years and this was the man I planned on marrying next summer. Now to make matters worst we've been going through fertility treatments and have been trying to have a baby together. Until just yesterday I thought we would be starting a family together and we both had no kids. I am so hurt and angry but confused and unsure of what to do. I wish it was easy for me to leave him, but I'm so in love with him and I want so badly to have a child of my own. What should I do? This is not the first time he's cheated (last time he cried and promised not to hurt me again if I gave him another chance). Now there's a child in the picture and now a wedding and motherhood is on hold for me.

[mr.mansview]

give yourself some time to decide if you forgive him and move on..some women can..are you always going to have that feeling of mistrust toward him after the marriage? you need to asked yourself these questions..better to call off things than just hope things will change after the wedding..it's a tough decision when you are in love..

[happy ending]

i feel for you, i dont know how you would move on from this. as a child is forever. and named after your fiancee - ouch! do you think you can trust him again? there have been similar threads if you want to look back through.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

6 years is along time and obviously, that in-descretion was also a "mistake" on his behalf thinking with his.. But 6 years says he's thinking with his heart with you.

Sure, you've endured a bit with cheating but your both young.

What you need to do if you decide to forgive, "remembering" it's not the child's fault love, okay and you will "both" more than likely have a role in his life, in not now, when he's 18, is to somehow ensure he NEVER lies and cheats again......

How you do that? I don't know except to be mature and sit him down and say to him your 21 not a kid anymore, if you want me in your life, you can't lie any further because the next time, regardless your out of my life and I will find out, no matter what the lie is.

That is a hard thing that you have just found out... I would at this stage hold off for a year of children or marriage and see how he pans out regardless of time...

CW

[WildChild]

One question would be was this "cheating" or was it from one of the times the two of you had split up? If you can't forgive this then move on, it would better for both of you. One of my sisters dealt with this, he husband had a child with a woman he had been with when they were split up. This will be a constant drain on your finances and if he acts as a father, which for the child's sake he should, then the child will be part of your life forever. How will you feel about that if you are unable to conceive?

[Guest]

God bless you. That is a tough decision.

Based on the age of the baby, i'm guessing that he cheated on you while you two were together.

To me that is unoforgivable.

[Ahryin]

Welcome to my world...or should I say my previous world. I can not tell you that it is easy because it is not. Two books you should read..."If you want closure in your relationship start with your legs" by Big Boom and Act like a woman think like a man by Steve Harvey. I say this because these are books about men that give you some real down to earth advice. You yourself said that this is not the only time he has cheated, and the fact that he has a child is saying there is a HUGE chance he had unprotected sex which means what...he has no real respect for you or your health. A man will only get away with what you allow him to get away with. You must have value for yourself. Maybe you can't get pregnant by him for a reason...maybe God is trying to tell you something. I have been through it and so has a number of my close girlfriends. Truthfully at this point I would tell my heart to shut up! I know your head has been telling you to RUN so who are you going to listen to. You are strong, you are beautiful you are woman and you CAN do it! It's hard, very hard I know it. When I was 6mnths pregnant I found out my fiance got a woman pregnant and she was due in like a week. He had cheated before but I swore he was my soulmate. We were perfect together and he made me so happy so I couldn't understand why he would cheat, I didn't know if it was me or if it was something I did. I now realize that it wasn't me, it was him. He was not mature enough to love himself enough let alone me. Maybe i'm bias but if he is really for you, he will always be for you! Let him go and if he fixes himself and loves you he will come back....clean and pure and ready! You have to love yourself enough to want more for yourself.
Go to God and listen to God he is your strength and foundation!

On another note....if you choose to stay you will need more strength than anything and will probably drive yourself insane but you might want to start by going to counseling with him. If she is going for childsupport then you two need to go for visitations become acquainted with this woman because if she was with him once i'm sure she wouldn't mind doing it again so she needs to be well aware that you are Still in the picture. how do I know this...because I took mine back and he cheated 3more times with the same woman. Also you will have your own child when the time is right, it would not be healthy for you to bring a precious life into the middle of this mess. A baby is a blessing!

[Ladybg27]

Thank you all for such great advice. It goes a long way for me right now and helps with the pain and the healing.

[Ahryin]

No problem if you ever need to talk or someone to listen I'm only an email away...I know how hard it can be!