[torn2pieces]

I just typed out a long thread about my decision to leave and I guess because I was logged on and no activity it kicked me out, I don't know, but it was very disappointing cause even after it prompted me to log in I then got an error message.

Anywho, last night I said "How much longer do you want to live like this?" How many more Christmas's/Holidays do you want to spend arguing, how many more birtday parties do we fake it till family leaves? We are hurting our kids.

From there it's over. He says I quit, I don't see it that way.

My last thread was so much more detailed but I can't do that again, I must get to work. Thank you Womens Health.

[baja]

Torn, hopefully you'll share more when you can, but you are asking the right questions and you also know the answers. I also suspect that you have probably had many serious conversations with your husband without meaningful success.

Your husband calling you a quitter was meant to spur a "no I'm not" reaction and play in his favor by keeping you there with him. Quitter or not, there comes a point where a person runs out of happiness, optimism, patience, hope, energy and love -- especially if the spouse isn't putting in the same effort to save the relationship.

Do what needs to be done, for you and your kids.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know you have movies playing in your mind of what "marriage" should be about but they are movies..

I know you've tried councelling I don't know if he has, but the "communication" is not there.

Telling him what you did above is a cry for help but he's not listening to you, as is telling him to get home at 1am in the morning but he ensures his phone is off...

You see two people with children living together as a married couple.

He sees, two people with children living together but he's not married.

I think he will continue to rebel a bit because he loves his life and as I said before, he feels he has to be a part of his "team" and go out with them after work, to be "in" they spend a shirt load of hours together daily in the hospitality industry.

There's got to be a compromise because you are in a relationship and it can't be all one way...

So tell him your not quitting but you need to be part of a relationship as well, not just a mother and house sitter.

And, you need to get out more and socialise and leave him home with the kids as well from time to time instead of feeling like all you do is work, clean, cook, tend to the babies, sex, sleep and off it all goes again.

Plan a girls night out and go....

Sometimes we get caught up in expecting, wanting and well expecting and forgetting that our life is mundane and that is really alot of the reason why we have so much expectations from our partners.

CW

[torn2pieces]

Here is more:

His reasons for going out is to get me back for my faults which are: not keeping the cleanist house and that is laziness on my end, when he does metion or tell me he is going out I always give a sigh or attitude or at one time (I have fixed this) when in an argument I would say very hateful things to him such as you don't care about the kids and I or because after 45 minutes or less of him getting home I am asleep.

Monday night (about 3 nights ago) he comes home from work (only comes home cause I have to pick him up) and says he left something at work and returns 3 hours later (1am in the morning) and of course ignored my calls and text all night. I wouldn't call that the "last straw" but it caused another argument and so much comes out in our arguments.

Monday evening when he picked me up from work there was a radio show with kids calling in and sharing what their parents arguing did to them and it brought tears to my eyes knowing we are doing this to our kids and I told him that.

Within one week he went out 3 times, 2 of those times he didn't mention it and didn't answer my calls the other time he stayed out till 4 in the morning.

He has been at his wits end with me before and has not left and he keeps bringing that up. I really had to be trained in some ways to be a better "housewife" cooking and cleaning and I get very lazy with it often.

But he has already decided to punish me because of this with even when I do pick up and on top of stuff he does NOTHING and fine I can deal with that leave all the cleaning to me, FINE. But I cannot deal with the late nights.

[torn2pieces]

I know you have movies playing in your mind of what "marriage" should be about but they are movies..

I know you've tried councelling I don't know if he has, but the "communication" is not there.

Telling him what you did above is a cry for help but he's not listening to you, as is telling him to get home at 1am in the morning but he ensures his phone is off...

You see two people with children living together as a married couple.

He sees, two people with children living together but he's not married.

I think he will continue to rebel a bit because he loves his life and as I said before, he feels he has to be a part of his "team" and go out with them after work, to be "in" they spend a shirt load of hours together daily in the hospitality industry.

There's got to be a compromise because you are in a relationship and it can't be all one way...

So tell him your not quitting but you need to be part of a relationship as well, not just a mother and house sitter.

And, you need to get out more and socialise and leave him home with the kids as well from time to time instead of feeling like all you do is work, clean, cook, tend to the babies, sex, sleep and off it all goes again.

Plan a girls night out and go....

Sometimes we get caught up in expecting, wanting and well expecting and forgetting that our life is mundane and that is really alot of the reason why we have so much expectations from our partners.

CW

You mention he wants to be a part of his "team" well I say BS to that his family should be the team he wants to contribute to and be with.

Yes I should go out, but its just not that important to me and I am not going to become a bar hopper or a clubber or leave my kids on the limited time I have with them just to meet up with his ways. As I have mentioned before we have one car so because I give a F*&^ I don't feel right leaving him at the house with the kids and no car on his limited time off of work. I want that strong family bond, togetherness. Going out is one thing but going out three times in one week is ridiculous.

[WildChild]

You work outside the home too?
He should be helping out in the home then.
Disappearing until all hours is simply not acceptable. Hate to say it but sounds like he's got something going on, on the side.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Whoa that's one "angry" lady there, Torn....

Okay there are major problems here, neither of you are happy at all...

You have children, so you have a responsibility to teach them the basics of cleanliness.

All people are different in this world, he obviously hates coming home to a dirty home and you've obviously argued about this laziness but to no avail, nothing has changed, he quit... He goes out because he doesn't like being home, he can't stand the way the house is...

That's his problem, granted but can you work with this?

Your also suggesting that your arguements are beauties and that you cuss and say bad things to each other. Those words can't be taken back and it builds and manifests in a person to the extent of explosion.

You mention hearing something on the radio of the effect this has on children and you cried and mentioned it to him, it seems you don't want it to happen either but are you the instigator or, even if he is, can you curb your side for your children?

It's a two way street love....

Seems what he is doing is running away constantly.

Ask yourself seriously what he is running from and how much your contributing to that...

And, be honest with yourself.

Maybe then you can calmly talk to him and admit your side of wrong and discuss what you are prepared to change instead of Quitting, whilst at the same time calmly mention what bothers you on his side and ask if he is willing to do the same now...

People won't change if there is NO change for them to do so.

CW

[torn2pieces]

[QUOTE=torn2pieces;100968]Yes I am angry and it was not at all against CW, you have always been wonderful on with advice. You are right about the cleaningness and as the one that does not have a physical stressful job and I work 37.5 hours a week compared to his 50+ I should pick up more and not be lazy, I get that. When the house is clean then its another excuse for him going out. He and I discussed this last night and I told him I can change it all except one thing, yes I fall asleep not long after he gets home but that is 1030 or later and I get up at 6-630am, so I feel its justified. He asked me to understand that he wants to wind down after work. Those 45 minutes that we do spend together mean more to me then him and that hurts so so bad, we don't see each other often so sitting on the couch watching one of our shows or having a drink together on the couch is quality time to me but not to him. The last two nights I have been at my Moms and because he swears if we break up that he can raise our son he has came and picked him up right after work, and I asked him "why couldn't you have that attitude when I was at home waiting for you" he said "now all I have is my son, sorry I depended on you" so that conversation went no where. He dropped me off at work this morning and we talked a little and hugged and kissed cause there are very strong feelings and a ton of love still there for the both of us, but as he said "I don't know if we have what it takes to make each other happy". I told him if we work this out I won't leave like this again but if something his bothering me I need him to listen to me. So many small things bother me, should I let them go? This may seem crazy but I am still upset over a few weeks ago I actually went out with him and some co-workers and I wanted a cigarrette which was in the car and I said I want one, I will go get it. Then after that some girl from his job is leaving and he walks her to her car, WTF. Yes he asked me if I mind if he walk her so it wasn't straight disrespect but if you feel a woman needs to be walked to the car,why did your woman just walk to the car by herself?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well 37hrs plus kids, plus housework verses 50 hrs, means your actually doing more hours than him.

So, you need some equality happening here.

Yes, he should have gone to the car to get you the cigarette because walking the girl to the car after, made you feel that he will do things for others and not for you.

But that's men... They just don't think on either of the above...

Yes, he may need to un-wind ( I have stated that all along, the Industry) bahhh, however, he needs a "date time" with you as well, once a week, no kids can you look at doing that?

No 10.30 is not late, it sucks him in hospitality and you 9-5 and I would be asleep by then ( I am asleep by then)... This is something no one can fix, unless he changes industries to be a normal 9 -5 as well, it would all be different then.

So as a Chef, he has a full day off doesn't he? A Tuesday or something? This day he needs to do something with you when you get home from work... Every week.

I can see why you feel that you work, come home, and there is no one there for you but again it's because of what he does for a living which he did before you met right?

So, there's got to be a balance going on.

You both have to discuss and create a balance.

I would also imagine that seeing as your asleep at 10.30pm not much of a sex life, this has to be a factor as well intimacy between two that love shines through this and makes stress ease as well....

Maybe write down ways in which you think you can share more and date more etc and put a proposal to him in this regard.

I know you weren't angry at me persay, just friggen Angry lol... It's cool.

CW