[WildChild]

Right now the rental market is depressed, many places are practically begging for tenants and offering all sorts of deals to get people to move in. My policy has always been to do what I can to keep good tenants. I am amazed that they would make your moving within the complex difficult or expensive. Are they requiring a new deposit? Would you be getting your present deposit back?

It sounds like he purposefully used you. Do what ever you have to, get untangled. Get the car back, you really can't afford to be making payments, find out what it would take to get out from under it and then you can get yourself a decent used car. Get him off everything you can - no access for him. Work on what you and your kids need.

[Gahzilla]

They are requiring a new deposit, new pet deposit, new first month etc. plus a transfer of contract fee. I would get my other deposits back, but it could take up to 6 months.

I could allow him to keep the car but pay me directly for the car along with the insurance. I'll lay out a list of "if you file for divorce this is what I want or you will not get my agreement" demands. This isn't a no fault divorce. There is abandonment involved.

[WildChild]

Every state/country is different but 6 months to get a deposit back seems a very long time. What the heck? A transfer of contract fee? Sounds like something they set up to put a fee extra bucks in their pockets. When is your lease up? You may be better off just moving elsewhere.

Letting him keep the car and pay you is a really bad idea, what if he vanishes with it? Then you have the payment and no car. What if immigration picks him up? What if he gets in an accident that is his fault? With your name still tied to it, you could be liable.

Quit finding ways to be nice, accomodating, help him and screw yourself. You have kids to take care of! You cannot afford to continue to make this man's problems your problems. He wasn't up front with you, very probably lied to you about what his situation really is/was. Holland isn't exactly a repressive country that people are motivated to leave -unless they have some serious stuff that they have done to mess themselves up.

[Gahzilla]

You're absolutely right about the car and my accomodations to him. I shouldn't be, it's a subconscious thought process that I need to push myself away from. The car is a big issue, I'm not 100% sure how I will work with it. The apartment is a big deal too, since both of our names are on the lease and he's no longer here. He would be accountable for the rent as well.

I could look into refinancing, but again, I'm only working part time at min wage currently.

[Mustang Sally]

You stated that he is a person of high integrity, this is not the action of a person of high integrity. It sounds to me as if he is either doing drugs or seeing someone. If he did not have something to hide he would not care for you knowing where he lives. It is surprising to me that you were not told where he was moving before he left home. Something is very fishy here.

This is like my situation, it is easier to see someone's problem than to see your own, we have the tendency to see only what we want to see in our loved ones.

[Gahzilla]

*Update*

We are supposed to iron out some details today, but I've decided to let the divorce go on. I do truly love him, but you know, I can't live my life always being cautious, egg-shell hopping based on his moods. If he wasn't able to exhibit his true feelings before, he won't do it now, especially with his resistance to therapy.

I received a note from a friend of his - ex-coworker from his job over in Holland. She was basically his "mom" for about 5 years. She said that he needs to be treated like a 14 year old due to how he'd been raised as a child (abusive parents) and that he's just not cut out to be the responsible family man, he's more of a solitary soul. She stated, and I agree, that I should not feel bad for my decision to let the divorce occur. Where he is a great guy, he's not what I need in a husband.

Now, I have my relatives all up in this business, and they are deciding what I am "going" to do instead of allowing me to work at my own pace and get things done the way I need to. I have made all the phone calls necessary, know the right steps to take, and for some reason, my dad is right and INS is wrong haha! Once they get conditions removed, they can't be deported due to false marriage claim or whatever. I've already talked to an immigration lawyer on the topic.

I have to move to Denver or I don't get help at all. I can't afford to stay on my own, and really, I want out of St Louis anyway. It just compresses my spirit for now. I need to think a bit more before I come to a final relocation decision.

[WildChild]

Your family wants to see you happy and doing well. Your father probably wants what seems right and logical, even though the law may be otherwise. Be patient with them, listen and consider what they say. You are deeply in this and your "love" of this man can blind you in one way, their love of you may blind them in another way, but trust that their blindness is in your best interests. Your own "blindness" has been far more damaging to you.

Denver is simply wonderful right now. If you hurry you can still get Palisade peaches, Olathe corn and Rocky Ford mellons. With that incentive, I'd get packing right away!

[Gahzilla]

yeah, that's basically what I'm doing right now, staying patient and when they are really wrong - usually because they don't know that policies have been updated - I am slow and careful to approach the situation, usually with names and phone numbers backing me. I don't want them to think I am rejecting their help - because I'm not in any way. I just want them to know that things have changed drastically since the 1980's.

I know I've been the victim of my own blindness. I think that in all relationships, we need to suffer a little in order to see what we need to work on. Perhaps for me, I need to work more on effective trust practices? Knowing it's ok to draw a line and say no when it's too much for me?

Probably be out there in October, looking at a complex on the west side near Hayden Green Mountain Park. My kids are SO excited!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I received a note from a friend of his - ex-coworker from his job over in Holland. She was basically his "mom" for about 5 years. She said that he needs to be treated like a 14 year old due to how he'd been raised as a child (abusive parents) and that he's just not cut out to be the responsible family man, he's more of a solitary soul

And you mentioned something about his job earlier, sounding like it was "spying" or "dangerous line of duty", and then later, about the Insurance Company for "what ever reason" won't insure him for driving.

My gut feeling is RUN...

Nothing in the real world here, makes much sense...

CW

[WildChild]

It's good your kids are excited. Just check out the schools, of course. One question you will have to determine is whether to file there or in Colo. You have to have 3 months residency to file after you move. I'd look at the laws in the two states carefully and determine which would be the better place to file.