[stressed]

Stressed - women can do the same things you described above.

No one can help what they are attracted to.

I don't think it's common for women to browse pics of naked men and just stare at them while masturbating. Porn is another thing.

I'm attracted to men a lot, but I'd never stare at a ton of nude men while I have a fiance, I think it's hypocritical. I have what I want and I'm happy with it, why look at something I don't have? Does it make me less of a woman if I don't?

Men (and women if you like) can like watching porn for what the actors are doing, it doesn't necessarily mean that they picture themselves having sex with the actress in it. They imagine what it would feel like if they did the same.

I think what HD is saying is that she doesn't feel cheated by porn, but just looking at pictures of a woman and imagining about her makes it more personal than watching two random actors having sex. When you look at a picture of a hot lady and start imagining how her lips would feel on you (to put it nicely) instead of looking at a couple doing something you like in a certain position then you make it more personal. Especially when you don't think like that about the person you are with (i.e. the jeans shorts). I think it's normal to feel like that. If your girlfriend/wife would look at well-built men in swimsuits to masturbate but never made a move on you while in a swimsuit then you'd feel uncomfortable about it too.

[Miya]

I really don't feel like anyone (married or not) should have the expectation or has the right to say how their SO should feel/think. It all comes down to trust and whether you have it or not. My hubby looks at porn (movies and playboy) sometimes and I don't really know what he's thinking but we do have complete and total trust so I'm not worried about it. There are more important things to be concerned about. If he sees something he likes he's asked me if I'd do that or wear this or something and sometimes I say yes and sometimes " NO!"
I don't feel hurt or worried that he does. At least he's not doing it in secret and I'm finding out through browser history or something.

I really don't understand why so many women (especially here in the US) have such a problem with what their guys "may" be thinking and such jealousy over these issues. I have girlfriends both here and home in Japan and the type of discussion is so very different between the two. I'm a mixture of US and Japanese so I get hit from both sides.

[Guest]

Oh I know its not OTYA, I battle my feelings about porn constantly. CONSTANTLY. I want so badly to be a cool gf, that is okay with it, not threatened... so I will encourage us to have porn nights now and then , rare, like once a month where we get a video and watch it... etc for the naughty factor.

I don't know why I draw the distinction when in fact he could very well be looking at the woman getting sex and wish he was the man doing it to her... but for me my head can wrap around it differently.

Pulling up pictures of mary jane sue in her jean shorts in several poses... makes me feel like gosh -- this girl is so hot to him she can just stand there and it be enough for him... and I assure you -- if he were horny and I just put on a pair of jeans shorts and stood there, not moving ... it would not yeild the same results. lol.

I'm just really confused. You and I had long exchanges about your porn concerns.

I gave you advice from a man's perspective - with the mindset that since you were so against it - you didn't watch it yourself.

Forget everything I said.

Here's a quick answer to your question if you want to know why he watches porn - its the same reason you do.

[Guest]

I
I think what HD is saying is that she doesn't feel cheated by porn, but just looking at pictures of a woman and imagining about her makes it more personal than watching two random actors having sex. When you look at a picture of a hot lady and start imagining how her lips would feel on you (to put it nicely) instead of looking at a couple doing something you like in a certain position then you make it more personal. Especially when you don't think like that about the person you are with (i.e. the jeans shorts).

Softcore/Hardcore. It's the same thing, neither is more personal. It's all porn.

If your girlfriend/wife would look at well-built men in swimsuits to masturbate but never made a move on you while in a swimsuit then you'd feel uncomfortable about it too.

Fortunately, I've been blessed - she'd be hard pressed to find someone that looked better than I.

[Hopeless Dork]

Here's a quick answer to your question if you want to know why he watches porn - its the same reason you do.

If I could wrap my head around that and believe it to be so, I'd be one happy camper. Seriously. My guy is the hottest man to me (period), its him I think about when I lay in bed at night and he's all I need to turn me on. When I look at porn, I don't think about the people in it... just their actions and emotions how good they are feeling etc. If thats what he was doing as well I wouldn't mind it, one bit.

Because I can't see any other way to look at him viewing pictures of girls but him desiring that particular girl... it makes me feel way differen'tly than him looking at sex porn.

And if he desires that girl... let him find that girl, or one like her. With sex porn if he is turned on by an act.. I can do it for him -- I can be that fantasy. In picture porn if he is turned on by amanda or jenny or pearl or etc... I cant be amanda or jenny or pearl.... I can only be me and him doing that makes me feel like its not enough.

Its all kind of moot because he's stopped with the picture stuff, at least in any way that I can complain about it. If he's still doing it... he's doing it in a way that I'd never come in contact with. He understood why it bothered me and said although that wasn't what it was to him, he would quit hurting me with it and has held true to his word on that, so I just have to trust him.

But I still see that stuff in my head, and I need to let it go. It still bugs me whenever I think about it.

[sweetpea23]

HD: I agree with you one so many of the points you made. Raising questions that if the person they are 'lusting' after in the photo were actually there infront of them would they say 'no'.

Here is my take on it. For some reason most men find it so great to look at porn. Just pictures of nude women in sexual poses. If they are single it is no big deal. However, inside of a relationship it seems wrong to me. Having a fantasy about a woman in a picture is just as bad as cheating. It causes mental strain on the g/f, wife or whatever of the man doing it. The woman in the picture might seem sexier, bigger busted, most skinny or any number of things and it can cause a woman's self esteem to drop.

My idea that may not work, but then again might. How would a man feel if his woman was looking at a magazine that contained strictly naked men. Nude pictures with erections and all. Would that make him feel less like a man? Not enough to please his woman that she needs to look at those nude men? The men in the magazine might be 'larger' than him, more muscular, or handsome.

[Guest]

HD: I agree with you one so many of the points you made. Raising questions that if the person they are 'lusting' after in the photo were actually there infront of them would they say 'no'.

And we can reverse that situation - we could raise questions about the subject(s) in a porn a woman is watching....if they were actually there in front of the woman, would she say no?

Here is my take on it. For some reason most men find it so great to look at porn. Just pictures of nude women in sexual poses. If they are single it is no big deal. However, inside of a relationship it seems wrong to me. Having a fantasy about a woman in a picture is just as bad as cheating. It causes mental strain on the g/f, wife or whatever of the man doing it. The woman in the picture might seem sexier, bigger busted, most skinny or any number of things and it can cause a woman's self esteem to drop.

What you conveniently forget here...is that women watch porn as well. If you are going to apply situations, you might as well apply them to both genders. There are numerous posts here, where women indicate that they like porn. And there is nothing wrong with that.

My idea that may not work, but then again might. How would a man feel if his woman was looking at a magazine that contained strictly naked men. Nude pictures with erections and all. Would that make him feel less like a man? Not enough to please his woman that she needs to look at those nude men? The men in the magazine might be 'larger' than him, more muscular, or handsome.

I'm still confused as to why it's okay for women to watch porn, but not okay for guys?

If one doesn't like the other doing it, he/she should abstain themselves. Why would you ask someone to do something that you aren't willing to do yourself?

[Miya]

Originally Posted by sweetpea23 View Post
Here is my take on it. For some reason most men find it so great to look at porn. Just pictures of nude women in sexual poses. If they are single it is no big deal. However, inside of a relationship it seems wrong to me. Having a fantasy about a woman in a picture is just as bad as cheating. It causes mental strain on the g/f, wife or whatever of the man doing it. The woman in the picture might seem sexier, bigger busted, most skinny or any number of things and it can cause a woman's self esteem to drop.

I disagree that it's as bad as cheating. I had a gf who's ex cheated on her and she said she'd have taken the mag or porn any day over the actual act.

I also take note that with

The woman in the picture might seem sexier, bigger busted, most skinny or any number of things and it can cause a woman's self esteem to drop.

and will say that the only person who can cause your self esteem to drop is yourself. If you're comfortable with who you are then having your guy look at pics or porn is not a big deal. My DH does and I watch with him sometimes and it's no big deal to me. I'm a 5'4" Asian and most of the ones he's looking at are what he's used to growing up, tall leggy brunette/blond Caucasian women. Am I jealous? Nope because he and I picked each other, had I wanted someone else I would have them and he the same.

We victimize ourselves psychologically too much.

[stressed]

Fortunately, I've been blessed - she'd be hard pressed to find someone that looked better than I.

I think that this is exactly the key of the problem/solution. You have enough self esteem and your girlfriend/wife treats you in such a way that you feel satisfied and complete when it comes to sex. When you feel like that then you have no reason to worry or wonder about your SO watching porn, it's not a big deal then. You feel good about yourself and you feel like your girl feels the same about you. That's all that matters. I've been there before and it felt perfect, I didn't even think about my boyfriend watching porn when I felt like that, porn had never been an issue at all and we were together for a year.

However, when there are problems in your relationship or if you misunderstand what your SO does, then porn or anything else can become an issue and the more you think about it the more unanswered questions you have in your head. When the sex is not good enough, when there's no passion, when you don't get the same look you did months ago and find porn on your SO's computer then you begin to doubt yourself and porn only makes you feel worse. Porn is not the actual problem, it's only a small part of another serious one.

There are women who mind porn whether they have a good relationship or not. If that's the case then there's hardly anything you can do to solve it. I believe it's mostly a self esteem issue than it being an issue as serious as cheating, because it's not cheating.

I'm currently going through ups and downs when it comes to porn because I felt 100% fine about it in my last relationship but now I'm 100% against it, and this tells me that it's not about porn, it's about the relationship all together. So, there's no right or wrong really, it just takes a lot of discussion with your SO until you find a solution that's good enough for both. If you can't take it at all and your SO continues with it ignoring your feelings then I'm sorry but you're with the wrong person.