[WildChild]

This thread is 6 months old, the OP hasn't been back in quite a while. Please stick to more current threads.

[Gene'sRosebud]

Different way of helping the ex:

The most important thing that her fiance' needs to remember and also come to reality with is that "he's no longer with his ex-wife". There is a reason for that. She, herself, is no longer his responsibility. When he met his current fiance', he chose to make her his responsibility. Two people is what makes a couple, not three.

Now..... if he feels obligated to help his ex-wife, being that's who he is, then he can still do that without him physically doing it. When the ex-wife calls complaining about car problems, he should recommend another mechanic, or someone else at his shop to do the work. If he has help, that's what he pays his help for. If she calls with ANY type of problem, he can help by either referring, or if he feels he needs to do more, than he himself can call someone who can fix the problem for her. There's always someone who can do anything that needs to be done. If he does it this way, he can still feel as though he helped his ex-wife and it should satisfy his obligation need, if that's what he has. In return, he can remain at home with his fiance', which would allow her to hopefully no longer feel second best. I'm thinking that it would not feel as personal for the finace' either, if he helped his ex-wife in that way instead.

This woman (ex-wife) positively seems like a woman who would always tie the kids into her needs. She will somehow figure out how to make it sound like the kids will be effected negatively if what ever problem she calls with doesn't get fixed. I know first hand that ex-wives, who partially still want their ex-husbands but want more to see them without someone, will pull such acts. My fiance's ex-wife is famous for that (among many other things too).

I would hope that if her fiance' can change the way he helps the ex-wife, then that change would allow him to be content enough to be comfortable to talk to his finace' about everything.

However, another thing I can safely advise is that the first thing this couple needs to do is seek therapy. Only because this is obviously something they are having no luck improving on their own. The pain this woman feels will continue to grow and she will reach a point that she will have had enough. I truly believe its her love for her fiance' that keeps her there. That's only human. But a heart can only take so much and feelings of pain and disrespect can cause love to breakdown. Again, she's only human and she can not help the way she feels nor the way she can be forced to begin feeling. Believe it or not, therapy truly can help. Even if its used only as a last resort.

One last thing.....in speaking about therapy.....everytime this man's ex-wife calls with emotional problems, then a therapist is what he can and SHOULD recommend to her. The fact that he is there for her, via phone or physically at her place, means that he is literally having an emotional affair behind his fiance's back. Especially since he won't talk about everything with her.

One of the most important things that define a relationship is: UNITY. If he does not open up with his fiance', especially being she would like to know, then he is opening up that supposed unified circle they should have, only to allow the ex-wife and her problems in. The stronger a couples bond is with each other, the less chance anything from the outside will get in and come in between them. The more he truly loves his fiance', the more he would want to make sure she doesn't hurt. Plus he has no right making her feel as though her feelings are wrong. If it hurts her, then he flat out needs to respect that if he truly loves her.

Like a writer said earlier, I'm sorry that I'm several months behind from this womans initial cry for help, but I hope she still checks periodically for continued advise. For the most part, there has been several people with wonderful advise. The more positive advise she gets, hopefully the more she'll be able to see what she needs to do clearer.

Good Luck,
Gene'sRosebud

[xxdanniixx]

my god i really dont know how you could of put up with all this i mean from him going round chatting for hours i couldnt cope with that. sounds to me like whenever an whatever she wants she gets and she knows full well what she is doing! i understand he has children to her and sounds like a brill dad but she's useing the kids to get what she wants so unfair. i mean how long has this been going on?? also what about when she gets a new partner what will happen than? i know my situation is kinda simular apart from my partner doesnt go running whenever she wants, my partner has 2 kids to his ex and at first when they split and he got into a new relationship with myself she would ring course trouble so he couldnt see his kids she was just so unfair in the begining when she wanted something she would say now and he would of jumped to it then. now things have moved on we live together it's been a few years now since all this the kids come stay at weekend there lovely kids and they enjoy coming down spending time with there dad i think she moved on when she got in a new relationship with her current partner whom she has had a baby with! things are much much better now between us all thank god but i do know where you are coming from. hope you work things out goodlook xxdanniixx