[sweetpea23]

This is somewhat of a long story but I will try to make it short. I have been married for nearly five years and have a 16month old son with my husband. Our dating relationship was nice, he was always a bit protective. I really didn't and still dont' have many friends, most of which are girls. When we got married he liked to go out with his buddies (All of which were single at the time) and came home drunk on several occassions. Most of the time I didn't go since I had to work the next day after that, I was pregnant and couldn't go.

After my son was born my husband kept telling me "oh you can go out with your girlfriends by yourself if you want" he no longer goes with his buddies because they have since all gotten married and have one or more children. However, when I did plan something, to meet some friends I was about an hour from leaving when he said "I guess I will just go with you." He likes to say that he would let me go by myself but always finds a reason for him to go as well. I am a devout wife and would NEVER cheat on him. He uses excuses that he sees other men looking at me and such. Of course I am oblivious to it.

I have recently decided to get a breast augmentation. Since having my son I dislike the shape and fullness of my breasts. Thats another story. Anyways, he said once I get it done I am no longer to wear tank tops (which I rarely do now) and nothing that shows to much cleavage. I am not to go anywhere by myself. He says since he is paying for them he gets to decide such things. I don't really go anywhere by myself now. I always have my son or mother with me and it is usually just to the grocery store or shopping.

His reasoning for being so protective after my implants is because he had a friend whos wife left him after 20yrs of marriage right after she had the same surgery. Honestly, if her husband was the same "The're mine I paid for them, you wear what I say you can." way, then I totally understand.

I don't think it is grounds for a divorce, but I feel like I can't breath. He has a pretty tight grip now and what to think after I get my surgery it will be worse? I've tried talking it out with him but he just wants to yell at me and say his word is law. Or threatens to not LET me get my breasts done. I feel helpless and suffocated.

There may not be an answer to this but I just needed to get it off my shoulders.

[WildChild]

Yes, he sounds seriously controlling.

[tritonalum07]

This really bothers me. Not only because of what he's doing, but because you have to ask if it's wrong. I'm not trying to insult you, but my nature is to be blunt. You need to have more respect for yourself honey. Allowing a man, or anyone for that matter, to tell you what you can or cannot wear, what you can or cannot show, etc., is seriously disrespectful to yourself. I don't always feel great about myself. I'm super lonely and always wonder why I'm still single (and I'd put money on it being my self esteem problems ), but I would NEVER let a man try to control me. I think you need to look at what's going on inside you that you'd allow someone to treat you this way.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It bothers me to tritonalum07 because what is occuring here is control but also emotional abuse, blackmail.

You had to be "told" what to do as a child until you grew old enough whereby your parents hand no choice but to let you make your own decisions.

I get, fear. But, he has no faith in his marriage, because if he did, he would know it didn't matter if you went out, or had a boob job, or wore things that "all guys star at" tops that show cleavage because he would know that you love him..

He himself is insecure and has issues.

He says since he is paying for them he gets to decide such things.

I would prefer, now that you don't get them done. You are who you are, wear push up bras, your married, he can accept the way you look naked... You can look the same stunning and tight in the breasts by wearing the right bras.

That solves that problem... Bet, he will demand you get them "for him"....

I've tried talking it out with him but he just wants to yell at me and say his word is law

He does not own you. You own yourself.. You need to tell him it's an equal street, and marriage is commitment you have no intention of leaving him or cheating and he needs to get over himself.

Laying down your OWN law.

And, you need to do what I did. Back this up and talk to your family exactly how you have here... You need them to understand what you are feeling, they are BLOOD, they do listen and one day you may actually need them... Forwarned...

What happens from here if you decide to just "vent" only, is that he emotionally will get to you whereby your "questions" will turn into defence.. He only says this because he loves me, you are wrong...

Right now you still have control, it's early days since you married, till now....

Trust me, I almost lost it myself and began questioning myself and began the low self esteme cycle, until I 1) opened up to my family 2) said, sugar I am me and you can't control or verbally / emotionally abuse me and 3) I did walk but it was 7 and a half years and he wasn't bad, just bad at it.. I still, always had control.

Keep the control, please.

CW

[HALFNOTHING]

just give him a hug and tell him how he is romantic. maybe he is just afraid to death that you might leave him like his friend's wife did.. . just tell him you love him and will love him for the rest of your life.. if he wants to go with you, so go on.. just show him that you are not hiding something.. he will be bored by following you into your friends as long as these people are girls.. and that his acts and words are not necessary to remind you that you are husband and wife. just explain that you're not going to take that surgery because of attempting to having someone else..

[Hopeless Dork]

He's insecure. It's one thing for him to fear losing, you can comfort him through that. Its another thing for him to put demands on what you wear, etc. That is way too controlling.

People tend to project... their thoughts/actions on to their partners. He probably thinks if he were you, he'd leave himself for another guy so he thinks you'll do the same, but obviously you don't think that low of him (other than when he's being a jerk)... as he thinks of himself.

If you have given him no reason to have this fear , haven't cheated in the past or anything like that then you don't deserve this kind of treatment. You need a husband, a partner, not a crazy strict father measuring your hem length before you walk out the door.

In a kind and loving way... have this conversation with him. Let him now how special he is, how much you love him... how much no one could ever replace what he is to you and that you deserve to be trusted, you've done nothing to be treated like a common hussy, you are his wife and will carry yourself like a married woman whereever you go, whatever you wear, whoever your with and you need his trust.

[Guest]

Expect strings to be attached when you are financially dependent on someone else.

I didn't say it was right...I'm just saying that's the way it usually is.

fwiw - I *would* be concerned if after 20 years of marriage, my spouse decided she wanted a breast augmentation.

[danceintx]

I was married to a man like this, mabye even worse, until recently. It was , he would not let me go to yoga, could not get my tummy tuck, he had a problem with me joining the stay at home moms group in my area. He would take the money out of the bank about twice a month to exercise his control over me. I am guessing his parents were very "traditional" and his mom fairly submissive as my in-laws were. I am so not the submissive type, if I didn't fight back it was bad, if I fought back it was worse. My only solution was to get out any way I could, and it wasn't easy. Test him, tell him no, that you have a daddy and he isn't him, and that you are a big girl and can make up your own mind. He will either realize he has crossed his bounderies and back off, or fight back worse.

[GlitterAndStuds]

I can understand insecurity and him feeling weird about a breast augmentation. Because people WILL look, and a lot of guys (not all, but a lot) can't stand it when another guy so much as glances at their spouse. But to say that "his word is the law" is pushing it a little bit.

There's nothing wrong with expressing concern and communicating how you feel, but you shouldn't have to literally be told what to do without having any input of your own. You have a say in what you do with your own body, and what you wear. OTYA has a point though, if he's the one paying for it then he'll have to have a say in it. If you want/need the augmentation that badly, try saving up for it on your own. That way you can just use the same reasoning for deciding yourself. That or go with what CW said and just invest in some really good bras and flattering clothes. A good bra goes a LONG way.

He needs to take it easy a little though. There's a difference with being concerned and being full on controlling.