[caterpillar79]

.... Would you marry someone when your sex life has been bad since almost the beginning of the relationship? (I've tried everything during the last 3 years without much improvement)

No, I won't. Sex will always be an issue. You will be TEMPTED to get it elsewhere, unless, you are VERY committed and CAN stick to your promise of fidelity and love for better or for worse. As for me, I would want to have the satisfaction and guarantee that he and I are compatible in this department because this is an integral part of the union. This is when you give yourself to each other and share the special moment, shutting yourselves from the chaotic world - to reconnect, to pamper each other...to fuel each other's love and devotion. There would come a time though that this won't be possible due to old age, illness, etc. That being said, sex is not all there is for couples to share. You can do a whole lot of creative things together, much better than sex. But, we have to admit, sex is important, and if you're not compatible, problems will ensue. Proceed with caution.

Would you marry someone if you had doubts he's bi/gay? (whenever I ask he shuts down and sulks instead of discussing it)

NO. Doubts mean you don't know him very well. Trust is not there. Don't marry a man you do not TRUST.

I love him a lot and I know he loves me too but it's just these issues that keep me from accepting.

Keep the views coming...

Love can cover up all flaws...can even blind the lovers. Keep yourself in check. Weigh the pros and cons. Make a list and compare. It is hard to be objective when it comes to yourself - you cannot see the car if you are in it - you have to get out of it.

Before taking the plunge, have a break from this. You have to re0examine yourself and ask. Dig deeper in your treasure chest. Is this what you want? Are you willing to put up with all these issues? Will you be able to find happiness inspite all of these prevailing conditions/issues?

If you are able to answer these and you are 100% sure about your feelings, and have made up your mind, then GO ON. No one can stop you.

Good luck.

[caterpillar79]

I don't have time to write much now, but I'll write tomorrow again.

We spent most of the weekend discussing (after arguing a lot the first day). Eventually, he claims he understands my views and doesn't think I ask for anything abnormal. He admits to not being good when it comes to sex and he doesn't have a problem with not watching porn until I'm comfortable with it. He says he sees porn as something extra and not something to replace sex with. About oral, he said he thinks it's better if he comes up to me and ask for it instead of going to a corner and masturbating and that I shouldn't make him feel bad about asking, although he also understands that I only want the same attention back and I didn't say no because I didn't want to but to show him he should do more.

So all that talk was on Friday, the weekend had been very quiet, nothing sexual at all and no improvement. He went to bed on Sunday night and I was annoyed. I got out of bed a couple of times and he woke up, so that gave me a chance to talk about it more, saying I thought we would work on it but he still didn't do anything. He went back to bed annoyed, then got up for a smoke, I joined him not showing I was upset any more but wasn't hoping for anything to happen either, and for some reason after the cigarette he got in the mood for sex; he did more than he has done in the last 6 months or so. He tried something he had been wanting to for a long time, so I don't know what's on his mind and what takes for him to start doing what he wants to instead of just sitting there.

It seems to be complicated...

Have you been away from each other for a few days? You sounded like you are both getting bored of each other's presence. Maybe, having a short break - just not being around each other for a short while would correct this, don't you think?

He seems to be able to pick up your point there, and tried to please you - so, there is at least an effort. Give him more time and accommodations. Men are often too slow to realize that they would lose much if they neglect their partner until it's too late.

It is good that you communicate your needs. I think he needs to learn to be more receptive though. I figure you know his fantasies, why not agree on getting them fulfilled - one by one...explore and learn as you go. Make it a playful and naughty experience for both of you.

I have seen all the red flags that others have pointed out though. And since I am not IN the relationship, it would be easier for me to say, SCREW it! LEAVE HIM, find another man. But in reality, this is not the case. It is hard to find someone you connect with. So long as the concerned party is willing and proactive, keep working on it. Build up your relationship, resolve your issues.Communication is vital, so is action and compromise. If, after doing ALL, and nothing comes out of it...then you can say...I did my best; I tried hard. I am through...done...NEXT!

[AlleyWay]

Marriage never solves anything. It only magnifies it. If your sex life is bad today then it most likely will be tomorrow. Sex is a major part of a relationship. If your partner isn't willing to change will you being married to him make anything different? Think about your life because if this guy doesn't make you happy today will he tomorrow?

[caterpillar79]

Great point, Alleyway. I do agree with you. Unless, a magic moment does happen to the SO, and changes his mindset.