[Karma3]

So if you hadn't found out on the computer, he would still be doing his thing and/or probably still is? This is what I would do....I would give him an ultimatum. He either look for a new job OR you expose their affair to someone at his work, like maybe his boss? Either way you look at it, he is going to need a new company to work at. You see hun, it shouldn't be you living a life of doubt while he continues to live the sweet life. He was capable of hiding this from you until you found out. Who knows, this could have been going on longer, he is just telling you it's been 3 months. He will tell you it's over and put 100% into this marriage, but is he just talking through the hole in his mouth? He needs to show you the 100%, he needs to step up to the plate. HE needs to initiate these changes.

[juxxx]

its been nearly two weeks that he moved back in. yes he has been coming home from work earlyer, hasent been out with work at night. but the cuddles, kisses and i love you are only when i say or do them first. he still wont talk to me i ask him how is he feeling and i get im ok.

[Frustr8ed]

I'm going to chyme in with rcoreyus. You need to find the problem before you can fix it. It sounds like you let him off the hook without any explanation and are trying to move on from there. Did you just let him move back in after an apology? Have the kids stay the night with relatives then sit your husband down and demand answers.

[juxxx]

yes but i ask him and my self were did it all go so wrong and we both dont no. so were do we start to fix this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He's probably coming home earlier and not going to "work night things" which probably weren't work, I'm sorry to keep the peace but it is not the solution.

Your relationship is stale. He was, what 21 when you first got pregnant and you married 2 years after. It's probably been a struggle and you've probably been a house-keeper and a wife and that's it.

So, there's no romance, no intimacy, no sexy underwear, no candle lit dinners, no flowers, no date nights, etc, right?

Just day to day "I love him" and care for his dinner, ironing, clothes, etc whilst he goes to work to pay the Mortgage, bills..

You two don't have a LIFE.

That's the problem, you either start working towards that and sit down and understand each other's needs and start with sex as him what he is missing and if he had a wish there, what would it be like, and then break into date nights once a week, slowly coming up with solutions, also remembering your needs, when you get stuck in the house and with kids, you forget putting on some lipstick a nice dress, doing your hair before he gets home and wear tracksuits, no make-up and even put weight on...

It's called "comfortable" get out of that comfy zone and start realizing that every relationship requires work for "both side" not one.

I bought sex up because he found an attraction outside the house and I would say that half if not 3/4 of what I stated above is your current life.

If you can't work this on your own, you may have to see if your prepared to go to marriage councelling.

But I think if your honest with yourself, you can come up with more than what I wrote or disect it, by taking some things out that aren't the case and replacing them with others.

Write yourself a list, you'll soon see where your not happy and where he possibly isn't as well.

Then ask him and work together, no ing about anything, just as the friends you are work through bringing things back around to husband and wife, lovers and friends.

CW

[juxxx]

i had a huge row with my husband yesturday, about how i felt about him not giving me the 100% that he said he would. its no to sex because he still feels uncomfatable, is this how i should be or not. i dont here from him all day because he is busy at work, but he used to. he tells me im trying to push him to fast and i need to slow down. am i just looking for more heart ace or is this what it is like. some one please help...

[Guest]

I would give him an ultimatum. He either look for a new job OR you expose their affair to someone at his work, like maybe his boss? Either way you look at it, he is going to need a new company to work at.

Yea I don't think that that is going to work so well. His choice to cheat has more to do with his own principles than it does his environment.

If he does it at his current job, and makes no personal changes, he'll probably do it at the next job. With a new batch of possible partners.

Also - Exposing his affair to his boss also isn't a very productive thing to do. There is nothing positive that could come from that action.

He needs to show you the 100%, he needs to step up to the plate. HE needs to initiate these changes.

I agree here.

[AlleyWay]

Why would you ask to give your marriage another chance when he messed up? And how can he give you 100% when he could still be talking to the other woman? Juxxx it's quite clear that you love your husband but if you are going to take him back take things one step at a time.

[juxxx]

why does it just feel like im the one trying to make it work, i find myself the one thats trying to make it right not him.how do i now he really wants to be with ME. is there someone out there that can help.

[WildChild]

Do you have insurance? Call them and find out about getting counseling. Go yourself, if he won't go with you. Some individual sessions for each of you may be a good idea.
His unwillingness to say he loves you or to have sex, says he's probably still emotionally attached elsewhere and feeling that he will betray his feelings for her by being so close to you. He needs to be honest with himself and you about what is really going on with him. Truth is he may not be clear about it himself.

Regardless, you need to start assessing where you are. Are you financially dependant on him? You have children who have to be supported and cared for. Can you do that on your own? What steps can you take in that direction? How automomous are you? Are he and the kids your world or do you have a larger support network? If he says, he wants out, what do you want and need? Education? Training? Why not start it now? If you are working, what can you do to increase your earning power? If nothing else you will have more options and not be staying out of need and he will know it. If you have the power to walk away and support yourself and your kids then you are there by choice and that gives you a different perspective.