[Guest]

I need assistance.

My Husband and I have been married for about a year. Ever since I met him his ability to find work has been iffy. He doesn't interview well and lacks the confidence to get out there and find work. I have used my contacts for the last 4 years to find him work, which he has either quit or been fired or layed off. He has not worked for the last 7 months and that caused a major problem in our household. I started hanging out at the tavern (not a meat market by any means) for the social environment and to shoot the breeze with my girlfriend and other locals that I have known for years. I used to come home around dinner time now I have started coming home later and later. This is a place we woud frequent together and have gone to for many years. When I do get home he is just sitting there frumpy and upset that I wasn't home.

His desire to dress himself appropriately for occasions is to be desired even when I used to help him out, now I just let him look like a fool.

He over the past years has shown acts of property violence. Kicking in walls, throwing things across the room, etc. And says it is because he is jealous and if I changed he wouldn't do the things he does. I have never cheated on him.

He has no friends, I mean non other that family. I am very social and desire friendships and only wish for a man that had buddies over for dinner, camping, etc. He says that in this day and age, we should be friends and it doesn't matter if we don't have anyone else. That leaves me feeling introverted.

We separated and now he continues to show up and beg for us to get back together. I feel manipulated and that he is not giving me time to see that the prior problems have stopped and that we can actually get along. He says he won't wait and if I want space he can't give it to me.

I ask him not to show up - he shows up. I ask for space - he says he can't because he is to depressed without me and can't handle it.

We have no kids, actually my adult daughter won't come home if he is there. In the past when she would come over he won't even acknowledge her presence. Literally, he ignores that she even says hello or is there.

Help, what do I do?

[amom]

Divorce him NOW!

Kick him out now and get a restraining order too.

[kaylar]

amom is right. This man has problems
and you are not qualified to deal with them. He is marching into
depression because he wants to.

There are men who only become men after everyone kicks
them out and they have no one to fall back on.

I can think of one...54 years old, whose wives dumped him,
who wound up living on his mother, until she died. He can't
live on his children because most of them don't like him, one
of them is fairly worthless and the other has a young baby
and a wife that will toss him out.

And so, suddenly, he can work.

You have the same kind of guy. He will drain you down
to nothing. You have to get as far from him as possible.
Divorce is good, moving far away is even better.

[Guest]

hmm I don't know!?

I would have to agree that this man was not healthy for you. He is depressing himself and everyone around him. He almost in an escense wants the world to revolve around him, meaning he wants you home giving him your every second of attention, give him your money and just be with him. That's weird. A man who doesn't have guy friends or the desire to go out. very weird. Give it 3-6 months. Tell him you need time. If you are going to take him back tell him to get a job and keep it. If you all get back together and he looses it then he looses you. Gets some friends, go out and have fun. Life is about living and if he wants to live it with you then grow up. If you love this man tell him you can't love him until he loves himself. My 9th grade English teacher was consoleing me one day after an evil boy broke up with me and she said, "You can not truly love another until you love yourself entirely." Your husband doesn't love himself but he may love you. Everything in his life will be so much better if he gets a job, keeps it and lives on his own. Might make you better too. If he is stalking you and you almost feel scared then I agree with the ladies. Only you know how he is. Run and run far and on the way, drop the divorce papers in the mail and skidaddle! I hope you find what you want in life. You seem like you really deserve it!

[indecisive]

I agree with the other women, get rid of him. Since it has only been a year you can't say that you wasted alot of time on him if you divorce him now. My husband and I are separated so I can understand your feelings on the space issue. My husband does not know how to give me space either to sort things out and it can be very annoying. They just don't get why we need time to sort things out and really think about what we want or how to make things better. In your case I don't think you can do anything that will make things better. In my case I don't think so either and I just continue to feel guilty everytime I turn him down when he asks to see me. I have no real advice for you because I am such a mess in my own situation but I wish you all the luck and think that you should listen to the advice of these other women and really do what you feel is right for you and what will make you happy.

[Guest]

He's home and I don't know if I did the right thing

He came home 4 weeks ago saying how much he loved me and understood that he needs to be the stronger one and be nice to my daughter and that he thinks she would come around. He started his own business, license and everything. Well, here goes.

He comes home, the honeymoon lasted about 2 weeks. Into another arguement and he says how he doesn't respect me or my parenting (I am a push over to a point, but she doesn't live at home and there is not much I need to do except be there for her). In 4 weeks, he has purchased a van $1,000.00 for his business along with other things and has given me $300.00.

Everything is starting to revert back to the way it was. He doesn't like my daughter (she is 19 1/2 and has alot of growing up to do). I am trying to be there for her, yet keep my distance from being responsible for her. Her friend left some doo doo and paper towels near our curb, he didn't talk to her when she came over because she didn't know her friend had done that and said that she didn't but would clean it up. I didn't get all over her, just asked that she clean it up. He thinks I should get all over her and yell and scream. When I say he didn't talk to her, not ever a word. And she walked by him numerous times. I don't know what to do regarding whether to leave him because he can't seem to get along with my daughter, how will he treat my grandchildren if they misbehave. Ignore them?

Help.

[kaylar]

One of the most horrible stories I ever heard is when
Claire Bloom shacked up with Philip Roth and he told
her to get rid of her daughter...and she did!

For that piece of rubblish guy, she tossed out her
daughter.

Oh of course Roth tossed Bloom out when he was
ready, but that she could have done this for that
guy...

Well...

I'd get rid of the guy and keep the daughter.