[always hopeful]

Hello all, since my last post, my husband an I have been talking alot. I am alittle shocked because he has been suggesting to do all the these different things....trying threesome???.....go out and have fun drinking, music, srooms....I do not have any desire to do any of these things. Having fantasies in the bedroom is as far as I go, I know that I am not secure enough to go any further, I have explained this to him and he says he understands, but I always wonder "does he"? I'd like to go out and have some fun but I do not really want to go out with his friends...I really feel he has more fun without me because he can't act like a fool when I am around, and I certainly can not be myself around him....amagine that after 23 years together I feel I can't be myself.....I am not sure why. I know he is a totally different person when he goes out, and I do not like that person, and I have told him so, he says that it wont be like that people change....I can't believe him and I do not want to go out and get into a huge fight????? The drug thing well....in the 23 years we have been together he and I have NEVER....he says he would like to try it with me so we can act like fools together and have a blast.....I really really do not want to do that but if I do not I know he will go ahead without me and have fun with his friends. I know I have some issues and I know I cannot change what he does I can only change how I react....but it is really hard because I don't even know who he is anymore.....I really want to be a fun loving person but I feel that he is going to the extreme, sometimes I wonder if he is going through a mid life crisis, he always talks about how he doesn't want to get old, have a boring life, but I on the other hand know that I have a 3 year old son, going out once in awhile is good but ..... I know I am blabbing on and on but I am totally confused, am I going crazy? am I expecting too much?? am I boring???

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What to you constitute "good sex?".

Are some of his friends single? Or haven't been together for 23yrs, rather, in a relationship for a "few" years?

He's mentioned before that you won't go "out with him". Seems he likes to let his hair down and perhaps your conservative, so are you also conservative in the bedroom?

Perhaps his mates talk about life, fun, sex in general and perhaps he needs a little more excitement in his life and feels that your relationship is somewhat stale?

You do have to "give" a little in that department and keep it interesting and exciting, spontaneous, over the sink whilst washing dishes, things that make a "man feel like a man", (animal instinct/horney sex) just as much as he should be intimate and loving with you, on a (sensual/sexual note.)

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

guys any opinions here?

[Ashlee T.]

Ever slept with someone you felt totally comfortable with? Wow. It can truly be amazing. Makes you feel free to try all kinds of things you've always wanted to or maybe even things you never thought of before. Sleeping with someone you can't be yourself around, or you feel uptight around? Not so good.

One of the great things about a good relationship is being able to go out and enjoy yourselves with each other, in different settings whether it be at a bar, at a game, at a party, at a lake having a picnic, out with his friends, out with your friends etc. If you can't enjoy each other outside of the bedroom, how can either of you expect to have an extraordinary time in the bedroom? For women, it's largely mental, you're not comfortable = very obvious during sex.

Perhaps neither of you are really comfortable with yourselves at this point in time. Hence, his sudden desire to do drastically different things. He's looking for something, and I think sex only touches the surface.

As CW says, in a relationship you need to be open to trying new things, but also need to be comfortable and secure enough to say NO to things you don't feel comfortable with. You have that right. My experience is that if you ask most guys if you could stick a dildo up their "you know where", they said "OH HECK NO!!!". They don't hesitate. And most probably don't sit around worrying "if I don't let her do it, she'll go find someone who will!!!" But girls.......well, we feel a bit more pressure.....almost like it's our responsibility to please him whatever it takes and if we don't, then it's our fault when he goes elsewhere. Not the case.

First you must establish what you are okay with and what you are not. What are the dealbreakers for you? He needs to know those.

Are you boring in bed? You're worried, insecure, uncomfortable...... that doesn't make for good sex. Address the issues before you worry about how good you are in bed. The bad/boring sex isn't causing the issues, the issues are causing the bad/boring sex.

[WildChild]

I have a problem with anyone who suggests someone do drugs in order to have fun. Especially when they ought to be old enough to have out grown it. Sounds like he's hit the famed mid life crisis.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think that it would be in the OP's best interest to try to explore the fun aspects with her husband (minus threesomes and drugs of course, and anything that would be emotionally or mentally troubling to her... or illegal :|) but going out, acting a fool, letting her hair down can all be done sober and could actually end up being fun for her.

BUT.......... I do agree with WC that this guy is in Midlifecrissville all the things he is asking for reminds me of those pat o'brien audio recordings... just desperate to feel something and going about it the wrong way.

You guys have to meet in the middle... he's got to learn to appreciate some down time with you and you have got to learn to be yourself around him. 23 years of acting? Thats not fair to you or him. Sounds like he loves you, sounds like he's hitting the 'i'm getting old now, is this it?' phase some men hit (especially ones that married young, got in careers young, etc , didn't play much in their youth).

Most men get this out of their system in or before college or shortly thereafter... but a lot of guys that skipped all that in favor of family and career hit 50 and feel like they missed something and try to head back to the club (still loaded with 19-21 yr olds) and try to party like rockstars.

Most realize how foolish they are being. Some never do and end up turning into someone completely different. You don't have to be condesending to him, but try giving a little, and being a bit understanding. But do not let him bully you into things you are against or that could hurt you. Instead try to compromise and do some little fun things here and there.

Surprise him. Let him know he hasn't uncovered every aspect of you just yet, you still have cards up your sleeve to excite him that you have yet to put in play!

[always hopeful]

Not Boring In Bed

Thank you all for your suggestions...our sex life is really good, I try not to put him down for going out and having fun....we have been together for 23 years and married for 16 years, I always thought we were comfortable with our lives, we both liked going to the pub, watching sports (yes I do like sports), we did take each other for granted, and then in 2003 we seperated and then got back together, I was stupid enough to believe that there was not another women, but a few weeks back (6 years later) he admited to me (read my post Let me Know what you think. I have never stopped him from doing anything, out with the boys, concerts, ect....I always knew we had different interests, I have gave in to his interests, but he does not give in to me, nor do I expect him too, his idea of fun is going to the bar, drinking, hanging out with his SINGLE DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN (only have their children some of the time), listening to really loud music and acting like a fool....fine.....but I am not into that especially every weekend (which he just started to do about 6 months ago)...I like to hang around with mutal friends, have a few drinks, laugh, and go home...I partied when I was 15 and I have no appeal to it now. So anyways he went out last night, to the bar to watch loud band, it is now 10:30am on his way home now??? Anyways I just feel that we are in two different places, and obviously he has a problem with having a "boring life". I have discussed this with him and he just feels like he is getting old and he doesn't want to....what do you say?

[WildChild]

Sounds like someone has a maturity issue. hint: it's not you. Sounds like he's had it for a while though if he's had an affair already. I'm curious, why are you staying?
There are plenty of way to have a full and meaningful life without bars, all nighters and being a jerk.

[blondie80]

Hi there always hopeful, wildchild has a point it sounds rather like a midlife crisis thing that he doesn't want to grow old and he has realised he is maybe. I would seriously sit down and write out a list, let him know that if he wants this this and this, then this is what you need to be happy too, a relationship is all about give and take and if you are the one thats only giving what are you going to have at the end of it?
I like wildchild have a serious problem with people suggesting you take drugs for fun, thats ridiculous no one should ever feel pressured into doing something like that. If he wants you to go out and have drinks then put the rules down, of what type of bar you will go too and who you's will go with. If you really dont like the atmosphere of the bars or the people he hangs out with at the bars your destined to not enjoy it, let him know that if you go out drinking with him that maybe you want him to spend a night in with you watching a chick flick or something, sounds like he just expects you to change to what he wants but he isn't going to be willing to give at all I would at least say to him if you want me to do all these things that I probably don't want too what am I going to get in return?
May sound selfish but its all about give and take.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

CW
Are some of his friends single?

Always Hopeful
hanging out with his SINGLE DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN (only have their children some of the time), listening to really loud music and acting like a fool

blondie80
sounds rather like a midlife crisis thing that he doesn't want to grow old and he has realised he is maybe.

That's why I asked if his friends (current) are single, midlife crisis.

He seriously is a lucky man, I would be okay with him having fun, but I would not be okay with 10.30am in the morning, that's dis-respectful in my books.

So you both "used" to watch sports, the only excitement in that is when the game is good and your team is winning.

What other passions did he have that you can join in with?

Ie) radical here, but bungy jumping haha. What I am suggesting is, hiring a motorbike if he likes them and both getting on it and zooming off somewhere, doing things that are adventurous and youthful as a "couple"... Doesn't have to be either of those scenarios just trying to give you the picture.

This would take away some of the "I don't need all the alcohol, boys" there are other things too and my wife is involved in those. It would also change his attitude about leading a "boring" life.

We grow and become more sexual as we get older, and understand needs, wants, desires..(the inner child comes out), the cheeky girl, that we were once. Men grow and want to go backwards, be one of the boys, buy a boat/bike, something that makes him feel young again.

The key is to go with the flow on that, but not on their "own" rather you being a part of that as well. And, from there, a new bond develops in which case you can slowly introduce the things you like doing as well, compromising the pair of you.

CW