[LILLYMOMMA123]

Hello
i am 22 years old and i have been married for almost 2 years now. When me and my husband were just dating our sex life was great. Now since we got married it kind of went down hill. And it is not his fault it is mine. When we go to bed all i want to do is just roll over and go to bed. I dont even "get in the mood" anymore i dont know why, i love my husband to death and really still attractive to him but i dont know why my urge to not want to make love to my husband is this bad 1 can anyone give me advice or anything would really be appreciated ...

[LanaBear]

You have to put forth the effort to get in the mood. It's really about changing your mind set regarding how you are feeling right now. It's a hard cycle to break, but it can be broken but it does take work. You don't want to continue down this path because you will regret it, trust me.

What do you consider sensual? What does he do that used to turn you on? If you read an erotic book, what do you feel?

How is he dealing with it?

Others may suggest that he try things to turn you on more, but really, more than likely, nothing he does will help. He could be just short of the most sensual sex god and if you are not feeling it, it won't matter.

Work on it, I promise you won't regret it.

[sourpuss]

I've found that the more I have sex, the more I want it. The less I have it, the less I care about it. I think a lot of women are that way. When I'm dating someone and we're having regular sex and everything is good, I'm in the mood all the time. When I'm single and not having sex, it rarely crosses my mind.

So you really need deal with it before it gets out of hand and effects your marriage. It's a rut that a lot of people get stuck in but you don't have to get stuck. Try getting yourself in the mood. Initiate sex with your husband once or twice a week, even if you aren't in the mood. Eventually you'll begin to enjoy it and want it, I think.

[kms]

Yeah I would agree that getting yourself in the mindset will help a great deal. I'm incredibly busy and always have so much to do and so much on my mind that sex is usually further down my list of priorities, yet my SO needs it as a way to relieve stress, tension, etc. so he definitely doesn't push it to the bottom of his list! I have to remind myself to make time for him each evening - just schedule it in (without telling him because he hates that). When he gets home, just have something sexy on with the intent of seducing him, play around with him, etc. Even if I'm not really 'in the mood', just the act of putting on sexy clothes and interacting with him in that way usually changes my attitude, and I'm pleasantly surprised to find myself wanting it too.

When I was in grad school (for counseling psychology), one of my professors told me that he often struggled with showing his feelings, not just to clients, but to people in general (as do I). He told me that the way he overcame it was by consciously making sure his facial expressions showed the emotion he wanted to portray. At first it was awkward, but over time it became more and more natural. This may also apply in your situation - you might not feel it or want to express sexual desire, but if you go through the motions with positive determination, your feelings will likely start to catch up. Plus, it should at least make you feel good inside to know that you are satisfying him, making him happier, and doing something positive for the relationship.

Don't forget about his feelings too in this process. I wonder how he's feeling about you always rejecting him...?? Guys do have feelings too, and his self esteem could definitely be affected by the fact that his own wife does not even desire him sexually. Ouch. If you just sat down and talked it out with him, told him that you know what's going on isn't good, you feel bad, you are still really attracted to him but you are just having trouble feeling turned on and you can't figure out what the problem is... just be honest so at least he knows what is going on and isn't blaming himself or imagining all sorts of other possibilities! Then maybe you two can work on it together instead of you shouldering it all on your own.

[kms]

Also:

You mentioned that things were great before you got married. What was different then compared to now? When did things start to really change for you - when did you notice your interest in sex decreasing? Did anything happen in your life at around that time?

Often, stress and worry can decrease sex drive, so I wonder if something stressful or even traumatic happened that may have affected your sex drive.
Additionally, have there been any relationship stressors? For many women, we can't really feel in the mood if things aren't right in the relationship, even if it's an issue that isn't necessarily a huge deal.