[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm sorry this has come to a head, prior to the festive season, that part really sucks for "all of you"...

Shared custody still gives her an opportunity of not having "full" responsibility and not being with you, also gives her "no responsibility" in a marriage.

It may be a simple thing such as she doesn't believe people stay together and she is fighting her childhood..

It may take months for her to come to that realisation so stay strong... It may be an ending now but a new beginning later, if this is the case and she realises it, that she is running away from what happened to her and re-creating it so to speak in her life...

Try to stay positive and objective for the future, if not the present, you never know what comes out and what can be saved, as people come to realisation.. She's only just commenced therapy, you just don't know ...

CW

[lost_in_TO]

Ug! I am going to see her today for the first time since she left. It is my daughters XMas concert at her day care. Her Mom and 2 sisters will also be there.

Her Dad called me this morning too to make sure I was coming to his house on Sunday. His sister and her kids will be there and want to see me. My sis-in-law's boy friends will also be there so I may go and hang out with them.

It's just that I don't want to keep giving the best of both worlds. When I talk to her she keeps saying how awesome her apartment is and how she is loving the freedom. Right now she is getting her freedom and still calling me. She needs to know that if she wants her freedom, that shouldn't include me. It is so hard though because want to keep the lines of communication open and I know if I shut her out, she will do the same to me completely.

[WildChild]

It sounds like she is treating you like a sort of father figure or mentor, who should share in her explorations. You share a child and for that reason you do need to keep positive communication if at all possible, you can't just cut it off.

I wonder, once you get the separation papers filed, how she will react to you starting to see other women.

[pretzel]

Lost in TO, sorry about what has happened. Not a good situation.

I've re-read this thread many times and I just can't seem to get out of my head a couple of things that were mentioned very early on.

I'm sort of wondering if she was ever checked for Post Partum Depression? Or were there depression issues beforehand that were manifested by the baby? Also were there discussions with her doctor concerning medications possibly being taken and the side effects that the particular BC pills that were prescribed might have?

I really feel for Lost because I know he's at a total loss and is totally confused by what's going on. It's probably been 2 weeks in for both of them.

At the same time I think I might understand a little why she wants him still involved with her life yet out of it. I may not necessarily be able to put it into words but I'm pretty sure it deals directly with the best interests of their child.

What does intrigue me is that he appears to have the total support of her family. I just have a little thought in the back of my head that they also see things not totally right with her and just may be trying to make sure that when she does get back to her old self that they are hoping that he is there because they may feel (or at some point she told them) just how important he is to her.

[lost_in_TO]

Thanks for the support. You could very well be right on all accounts pretzel.

She never seemed depressed. She has been an excellent mother up to now. Not saying she is bad now. She is no on any other medications that I know of and I am pretty sure I would know.

She wants me in her life for a couple reasons. For my daughter obviously. She keeps checking in on me to "make sure I'm okay". As I said, we have been friends longer than lovers. I believe she still loves me. Just not in love with me. Since she still cares so much for me, she knows I am completely broken hearted. She is worried for me. I get that. What she doesn't realize is it makes it harder for me when she "checks on me". We end up talking about everyday stuff like nothing has changed. Well, it has changed. BIG TIME!

Her family love me and I them. I am as close if not closer to them than my own family. I have been in her life so long they know I am good for her. I have been the 1 stable thing in her life. I was the one who got her out of an unstable house when she was 17.

I just think she is done. She keeps trying to get farther away. I get the feeling she is still trying not to hurt my feelings. She is doing all these things to let me down easy. Most of her friends and family have said she is not talking to them and they think she will come back. I get the feeling that since we are all so close, she is also letting them down easy. I hope this isn't the case but in my gut, that is what I think.

Only another few hours until I see her. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I miss her but I am not sure I want to see her.

[lost_in_TO]

So the concert was okay. It sucked seeing her. She looked very good. I surprised her and her family though. I have had a goatee for at least 8 or 9 years now. I shaved it off a few days ago. Time for change right. I guess they all liked it. They say it makes me look a lot younger.

I purposely waited until right before the concert started to go in. I didn't really want to spend too much time chit chatting. She saved me a seat beside her. I wondered if she was going to put as many people between us as possible.

When it was Ali's turn on stage, I went up to the front to take a video. As soon as she saw me she started jumping up and down yelling DADDY DADDY DADDY! It felt pretty good. Everyone in the audience got a good chuckle. I almost burst into tears though but I kept myself under control.

After the concert, there was food etc. Santa was making an appearance in about an hour and ALi was hungry. I said I would get in line to get her some food. After waiting for about 5 - 10 mins, my wife came over and said she didn't know what to do. She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to wait for Santa. Ali has already seen Santa a few times and that she has to drive all the way across town to get back to her apartment.

I said fine lets go. I step out of line and go back to get my coat and she starts humming and hawing again. She's like I guess we should go since Ali is going to need to eat. I said "I thought that is why I was in line in the first place". I guess I may have said it a bit snippy (not meaning to) and she fired back at me. "I'm sensing a little hostility". Well Duh! She is so wishy washy all the time. I am trying to keep the peace and not cause waves but I find it very hard.

I have to go to her Dad's tomorrow to pick up Ali. He aunt and cousin's are going to be there and really want to see me. This will be the test for Xmas. If I can't handle an hour tomorrow, I guess I will not be seeing my little girl wake up on Xmas morning. That is going to kill me. I just don't know how to act anymore. I try to not withdraw and make things weird but then something happens and I can't help it.

I feel like every day is a step closer to completely losing her and there is nothing I can do about it.

[LanaBear]

Just curious as to how things are going... How your daughter is doing? How the holidays were? Is the wife still living out on her own, etc?

[lost_in_TO]

I am sad to say after 13 years, it is over.

She is still living in the free apartment. She has it until the end of Feb at least which has at least given me some breathing room. We have been going to a therapist for the last few weeks but at the last session, she finally admitted the truth and told me she was done. I had known for quite a while. I saw pics of her at party's not wearing her ring. Heard through the grapevine she was already seeing someone else (something she still hasn't admitted). She hasn't been able to look me in the eye for over a month.
I knew it was done but she kept saying she wasn't sure. Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off since now I can move on. Sometimes I see that. Most times I don't.

I have no clue what I am going to do about the house. I could very likely afford to keep it but I would be very strapped for cash. Also, this area is awesome for a family but for a single guy, not so nice. It doesn't have much of a nightlife so getting home on the nights I don't have my daughter is difficult or expensive. My daughters daycare is also right around the corner. As is a really awesome school. Am I being selfish if I sell this place and move somewhere more convenient for me? I feel that way but other times I think about a life where I can barely afford groceries let alone money to take her places or do fun things with her.

So far I have had my daughter mostly. I hope to keep it that way. Not that I want to keep her from her Mom, I just feel right now I am more stable. I am still in her home. When she refers to home, it is with me. She knows "mommy doesn't live with daddy anymore" and she has fun at "mommy's house" but when she says she wants to go home, it is here with me.

So far she has been doing okay. She is a lot more sucky. She has started to act out more but that could just be the 3 year old talking. She was pretty much completely toilet trained but we've taken a big step back there. Not too bad but we went from no accidents in weeks to a few a day for the last week or so.

My wife, at times, is very kind. She offers to come back and help clean the house or asks if she can help with anything. At other times, she is not so nice. Constantly changing her mind when it comes to a plan we decided on. Asking me to alter my plans in order to accommodate her changing plans. Then gets mad when I say no. I am still bending over backwards to help her. To make it easy on her. Why?? I have no clue. I guess I'm the chump. There have been a few times when I flat out say no and she fly's off the handle and asks why I'm being an (edit) or a (edit). Sometimes she is so blind.

I know that eventually, we will become friends again. We have too much time invested. I am still in love with her but I also love her. She was / is my best friend. If I have lost my wife, I really don't want to lose my best friend as well. It just sucks. I am trying to be the bigger person here but I think about things and get myself worked up. Then she has the nerve to call me names or get mad at me for not dropping everything the second she needs help. I say something mean and we have a big fight. What does she expect though? I can't completely block this out of my mind.


Honestly, I am handling it much better than I expected. Maybe it was because I knew it was coming. Maybe it was because I had a melt down 2 months ago when she originally told me she was feeling this way. I guess I kinda dealt with it then and have been trying to heal since then. I don't know.

Everyone in my life has been great and that has helped tons. My family, her family, friends, neighbours, my co-workers. Everyone has been so helpful and understanding. Lets just say I have not been the most focused person lately and everyone has been forgiving and/or helped pick up my slack. I think I am on the road to recovery but then again I may just be fooling myself. I have good days and bad. Heck, I have good minutes and bad. Flip flop flip flop. This has been one screwed up roller coaster.

I know I am a good guy. I know I will eventually find someone else that will make me happy. Going out and meeting new people has already presented itself with a few opportunities. Unfortunately, I can't even think about that right now. Pretty much every guy I talk to says something like " oh, you are so lucky. You're a young, good looking guy with a good job. You are going to be able to bang any chick you want".
I have to laugh because there is only 1 "chick" I want and unfortunately, she doesn't want me :-(

Maybe in time will get to that point. Maybe in time I will look back on this and be okay with it. Right now, that seems like it's 100 years away. All I can do right now is focus on myself and my daughter. Try and build a life for us.

[LanaBear]

A lot of stuff has definitely happened.

From the sounds of it, at least you have a good support network!

You and your daughter will be fine, just rely on people you can count on. She's very fortunate to have you as a father.

Everything will eventually come together, where you live, where she goes to school, how you move on, etc. It will be a rough road, but you'll get there.

Good luck!

[WildChild]

Don't make any abrupt changes. Your daughter needs the stability you provide her. Kids are often more resiliant than we think, but you do have to communicate appropriately. In many areas this is a really tough time to sell a property but there are some places that are still selling fairly well. Maybe a talk with a reputable realtor would be a good idea? Could you find a smaller place in the area? Perhaps a 2 or 3 bedroom townhome? It does sound like you are the more stable parent and most likely to be raising your daughter.

Right now the wounds are too raw to really think about it but the time will come that you will want to get out in the world and dating. Your daughter hasn't started school yet so if you think of a different area, look closely at the schools and facilities for both of you.

This is a case where time will make a difference. In the meantime invest in yourself, care for yourself and your child and keep moving forward.