[PJhavinfunagain]

Lana I am always amazed at how many similar things we have been through in our marriages. I also stopped wanting passion, DH wanted to give and I just did not care. No idea why...

[rcoreyus]

Lost - I think you are being used. (I think I am too, but for varous complex resons I haven't left). My advice is not to waste more of your life with someone who doesn't seem to love you anymore.

[lost_in_TO]

Also she could still be hurt but your attitude about her former weight issue. You seem to really appreciate how she looks now. She may feel resentful... I mean if it were me and I was already having issues I may be thinking. "well if he is so excited by how I look now how did he really feel before?Was I that bad before? Why is he with me if he did not like the way I looked?"

It may very well be but honestly, I don't think so. I never told her I felt that way. She obviously may have know. I really fell in love with her almost 10 years ago when she was at her biggest ever. I hope she believes me when I tell her she is beautiful as I have done over the years. She was beautiful back then and now. I am obviously happy with how she looks now. Not for the reason you may think. I am more attracted to her sexually now but the real reason I am happy is because she is so much more healthy now. She was heading for real health issues if she didn't do something.

Lost - I think you are being used. (I think I am too, but for varous complex resons I haven't left). My advice is not to waste more of your life with someone who doesn't seem to love you anymore.

I really hope you are wrong. I also hope you are able to get over whoever is hurting you. I am not even close to this point. I have WAY too much to lose.


I came to some pretty serious conclusions today. Almost like a domino effect. After reading it over and over again the last few days, this quote finally sunk in.

You can't control anything but your actions so there is no point in trying to control her

I am doing what I need to better my life with or without her. I am taking steps to make me a better husband and father.

I have not been happy in my job for the last few months. I have been taking on too much and stressing like crazy over things that should not even be my problem in the first place. I am not going to do that anymore. I have had a couple job offers in the last little while. One I was seriously considering but it is a major change in my path. I would be doing a lot of brand new things that while they sound exciting, I know are over my head. I consider myself fairly smart so I know I could figure them out. It would require a lot of time and dedication to do so though. I was really stressing over this. I have decided today that I will not be accepting this position. I think I will be happy staying with my current employer and making changes to my job to make sure I am not as stressed. I did like my job up until the last few months so I am confident I can get it back. I make a decent living. We are not rich but we are comfortable. whic leads me to the next domino.

We aren't strapped like we used to be so why am I still living that way. We aren't $30,000 in debt anymore so why am I stressing when the visa hits a balance of $400??
Why am I making her feel bad when she puts a $50 shirt/skirt/dress/etc on the visa? Don't get me wrong, I am still not about to out and let the bill get run back up to $1000 or anything but I think she and I have had the discussion/argument enough over the last 2 years that she finally gets it. She has recently got a promotion at work so she needs new clothes. Add in the fact that she has lost another 18 lbs in the last 4 months and she really needs new clothes. I get that. The business she is in is very trendy. Things change and she needs to keep up.

When I looked at all these things today, I actually smiled for the first time in a long time. I felt like I was on a high all afternoon. I had to stop at the bank on my way home and there happened to be a flower shop next door. I was temped to go over board but I bought her 3 long stemmed roses. I left them on the counter with a note saying that I was available in any capacity she needed. I also said that after this afternoon I wanted her to know that I am not the same guy she has been living with for the last few months. It is not up to me not to revert.

We had a very good talk in which I explained to her what I just explained to all of you. I hope it is enough for her to keep working on herself too. I also said that I hope she realized that this was not 100% my problem. She acknowledged she has been as crummy a wife as I have been a husband. She called the therapist and has an appointment next week. 2 of her friends have ensured me that they are going to make sure she goes through with it. Another thing off my plate. Awesome!

Another positive direction is she was talking about still taking a trip to Mexico we were planning in January. She originally said she though we couldn't afford it. I said money was not the issue since I have been working hard to bank a Mexico fund all year. I have enough for us to go but I said I did not want to go to Mexico with things they way they are. I said if she wants to go with me, I would love to go with her. If she just wants to go and doesn't really care if I am there or not, I was not interested.

We'll see how things go. We don't have to make a decision in the near future.

I really appreciate the different advice I have got here. Honestly all of you in combination with a couple good friends have got me through 5 of the worst days of my life. I am in no way saying it's all good now. In fact another realization was this is going to take long time and I am going to go through in the upcoming months. I have a feeling I'll be back often. In the mean time, I am celebrating a good feeling right now. I hope it continues.

[lost_in_TO]

Celebrating is over.

Good news: I'm not in the dark anymore.

Bad news: She is closer to leaving than staying.

She is trying to move up her appointment with the therapist and I am calling tomorrow.
We just had a long talk. There is still hope but honestly, I see it as a very slim chance.

I feel horrible and defeated. Numb. No sleep tonight.

[WildChild]

If nothing else, you may soon have some sort of resolution. It may not be what you want right now but you will then at least be able to make decisions and move forward.

[lost_in_TO]

Well I am officially a basket case. I did not sleep a wink last night and have puked 4 times today. and it isn't even 10:00 yet.

[PJhavinfunagain]

Breathe... I know you are devastated. try thinking with your head right now not our heart. Hug your daughter and know you will always be her daddy.

[LanaBear]

Just curious as to how things are going...

[WildChild]

One session of therapy isn't likely to create major changes but it may open doors to new considerations. How did it go?

[lost_in_TO]

Things are weird. She went for her first session on Tuesday. I think it's a start. I go for my first one tomorrow.

Things have been odd. She is really struggling with something and is on the verge of a nervous break down. Basically we are taking turns being home. She can't handle being there with me for the most part.

Sunday was a decent day. We had a nice dinner. Played together with our daughter. I made the mistake of saying I was having a good time. She froze up. Went back to not being able to look at me.

Monday night she was a complete grouch. ****ed off about anything and everything. She even stopped for a moment and acknowledged it and apologized. I stayed calm the whole time and just said it was fine. I said I am grouchy sometimes too. 2 minutes later, se was back to being the grouch. I left since I had plans anyway.

She was out Tuesday night. I went out last night but before I did, she had a break down. She had a fight with her sister about Xmas. Her Step Dad wants everyone to his house but he is mental and we know it will be too stressful. This might be my daughters last Xmas with us so we both really want her to have fun and not have to deal with her crazy grand dad. Her sister wants us to go there too and can't understand why we aren't going to. She was bawling on the couch before I left. I offered support and she said I couldn't help her. "It is my issues and issues with you so how can you help me?"

I just said I was there if she needed it. If she was okay, I was still going out. She said she was fine. Her temper last night with my daughter was very short. I made sure Ali was in bed before I left.

She has no Xmas spirt which is something extremely abnormal for her. She is normally all about Xmas. It is scary.

This morning, I got back from my jog and she came int the kitchen and asked for a hug. We hugged for a couple minutes and it felt great. She gave me a kiss before leaving too. I just wonder how long until I get that again??

I also made a comment about her appearance. Likely a mistake since every time I show her any sort of attention lately she puts up the walls. She got a new pair of boots last week. Very tall leather. Very sexy. She wasn't sure if she was going to keep them but she did after all. She was walking around and I guess I was staring at her. She noticed and asked "what?" I told her I was glad she kept the boots. She asked why and I just said they were HOT. She left shortly after that but did give me the aforementioned kiss.

I don't know how to act anymore. I don't know how to feel. I am trying to get to the point where I can separate myself in case things don't work out. But every time she does hug me, or touch my hand or give me a kiss, or I catch her looking at me and doesn't immediately avert her eyes when I look back I get the feeling like she does still love me and we are going to work through this. I am on a roller coaster that has no middle. Either I am on top of a hill or I am plunging to the floor.

Thats what's up with me. Thanks for checking in.