[snow37]

To Wildchild

Hi Snow,
I can understand that this is a huge stress and much of what the banks do, seems to more disigned to ensure failure than success - for everyone including themselves. I've brushed with working in financial services and had the company I worked for do some screwy things to us. I presently do some work on the other side of it, with securing and maintaining foreclosed properties until the bank is ready to sell them. A lot of it makes no sense.

Building a home is a huge stress, even when you are doing it with excitement and anticipation. Doing it because you've had your home senselessly taken from you makes it much more difficult. My background and education is in construction industry, it can be a great field and pay well - it can also be a great place to go bankrupt.

Losing a loved one is very stressful but how fortunate that your father did leave insurance, that puts you in a much better situation than many people who struggle just to pay the basic funeral costs. You've been hit with a lot. But I get the feeling there is much more to it than you've said so far. The economy is not your husband's fault. Where is your anger toward him coming from? I can related to your frustration, my last marriage had more disaster crammed into 8 years than many people see in a lifetime. My kids and I are healthy, I may have been almost destroyed financially but I am a hard worker and can recover that. I have a car that runs (28 yrs old and I love it) a 12 yr old TV, great kids and we keep a positive attitude.

You cannot control, except in a very minor way, what anyone else does, how they act or react. You can control yourself. It may sound cliche' but need to work on developing an attitude of gratitude. You lost one home but you aren't homeless, hopeless or destitute. You are able to exersize, to get on a treadmill, you may not like your mother in law by she gave you a place to build although I am mystified wh you put it in your mother's name, your kids are healthy (?) your husband was supportive through the loss of your father, you have more going for you than you may realize and you need to verbalise that and be greatful for it. It will allow you to be much happier. You are simply in a state of overwhelm.

After my last marriage I was in counseling. I was very stressed and unhappy. He'd lost his job the day after we married and blamed me because, "getting married distracted" him. Then he got sick with an unidentified illness, then re-employed for 6 months, and then just before 911 became unemployed and was for 2-1/2 years, then wea re-employed and diagnosed with cancer a couple months later. That's just part of it - I know what stress is!!! You can't let it keep hold of you. Some thing my counselor said made so much sense. I was unhappy and depressed (not to the point of medication - I don't believe in that except for extreme cases) He said, very simply, "Why don't you just decide to be happy?" Being unhappy accomplishes nothing. It doesn't help you in anyway. It just makes everything more difficult for you and everyone around you. It may sound difficult but it really isn't that hard once you decide to do it. Just let go of your anger - it isn't serving you. If you can redirect that energy into positive action - great! Otherwise, let it go. It will eat you up from inside and manifest in so many ugly ways.

Try to find the positives in your situation and you have so many. Write them down, keep adding to it, re-read it daily. The situation isn't going to change overnight but your attitude can and you'll see that everyone around you will start to change too.

Thank you so much Wildchild!!! I so needed to hear all that!! I know I should focus more on the positive in my life, instead of all that anger I have built up. I do realize it would make my life so much better and more happy.

I'm going to give it a try... Im going to write stuff down, like you said. Hopefully I will begin to be happy again. I don't feel like myself right now and I havent for a very long time. When you get forced out of your home, it does something to you. It gives you that " Worthless, Beaten" feeling inside that is so hard to overcome. People also start to look at you different, when they know.

It sounds like your last marriage was very stressful... but from the what Ive heard from you-- You have managed to come through it more positive and stronger!! Thats a true WOMAN!!! Im hoping to get my strength back also.

I have thought about counseling.. I wouldnt know where to begin to find one though. I also thought about talking to my pastor at church... but Im not sure it thats the best route to go either.

I guess the anger that I have toward my husband comes from the past!! He did things in the past that caused us to get so far behind on our house payments... then when we tried to fix it.. our mortage company raised our house payment 3 times higher than it was... then when the economy went bad... we just couldnt afford to pay it anymore. Had my husband NOT got us behind from his Stupid,childish "THINGS", then we wouldnt have had that huge payment. I feel part to blame though.. cause I should have stayed right on top of him 24/7 to see where he was spending our money. Not to say I didnt try... but I should have tried harder. By the time I found out... it was tooo late. Sometimes I look back and think... Why didnt I just divorce him then. But you can't turn back the hands of time!!!

I am not sure if I will ever forgive him for some of those things... therefore I do fear I will never get rid of my anger towards him. Thats kind of the reason why I decided to put the house in my Moms name... incase we SPLIT. There will not be any fight over the house. Me and the kids will always have a home.

Other than "the hubby" I think I would be more at peace with everything else. Does that make sense??? Ive tried talking to him about it... but all he says is.. It will get better!! NOT, it only gets worse. I know Im part to blame cause of all this anger I have for him. Maybe someday, it will pass, who knows.

Thanks so much WildChild)

[Guest]

Why are you so angry with your husband? What did he spend this money on that caused you to fall behind on the mortgage payments?

What do you do for a living...are you part of the remodeling business?

[snow37]

To.. OhThereYouAre

Why are you so angry with your husband? What did he spend this money on that caused you to fall behind on the mortgage payments?

What do you do for a living...are you part of the remodeling business?

Well.. I hate to say what he was sneaking around spending our money on, but here it goes. He had Knee problems and one thing lead to another, he was hooked on those stupid pain pills. It took me over a year to figure out he was buying them from one of our workers.I never thought for a second that he would have that problem. Needless to say, it was a terrible situation. If it wasn't for that... I honestly believe our situation would not be what it is today.
I guess til I can learn to forgive... I will hold on to this anger. But its not like I want to... I just dont know how to let it go.
We still have our business. We install custom Trim(,Crown,Baseboard,etc) put in Staircases and Fireplaces.

[Guest]

Well.. I hate to say what he was sneaking around spending our money on, but here it goes. He had Knee problems and one thing lead to another, he was hooked on those stupid pain pills. It took me over a year to figure out he was buying them from one of our workers.I never thought for a second that he would have that problem. Needless to say, it was a terrible situation. If it wasn't for that... I honestly believe our situation would not be what it is today.
I guess til I can learn to forgive... I will hold on to this anger. But its not like I want to... I just dont know how to let it go.
We still have our business. We install custom Trim(,Crown,Baseboard,etc) put in Staircases and Fireplaces.

Well that explanation certainly puts your negative feelings into perspective.

Has he quit with the pills? If so, it may be time for you to work on forgiving him for that. I'm sure you can see how it's pushing you two apart.

As far as your first question.....you asked if you are justified in withholding sex from him.

In my personal opinion, no. We are sexual beings, we all have needs. I don't think it's fair of one individual to deprive his or her partner of their sexual needs.

Reflect and find out what it is that is killing your sex drive...is it really him? Or is it you? And remember, he's dealing with the same stresses you are in regards to the house, kids, foreclosure, business etc etc.

In the end, you're really going to have to ask yourself whether or not you want to stay with this man.....a lot of what you say leads me to believe you'd rather go.

Good luck.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If, other than the hubby you feel you could cope better, then you've really built up a resentment over what has happened.

But, I wonder really if it is everything?

You now look after your half brother, your building a new home, business is difficult, you lost a home you obviously loved, you've lost a person, you obviously loved and you've put money in again for a new one, which was your money willed to you.

I would be mad over all of them, or having problems coping with all of them, not single one thing out and you seem to single one event, as causing all of the above events, which is not the case.

I think that you have had so much happen, that it's all a blur and you need to vent and get angry and your singling out losing the house and the reasons for that.

Are you suggesting he initially bought drugs? Then moved onto pain killers for his knee? Which would explain costs more so, than just pain killers.

I know alot of people can't cope with pain and get into drugs to relieve that, in-fact Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger also come to mind in this regard.. They can be addictive, really addictive and unfortunately, for these two people, they died.

I'm not being harsh at all, because you have a lot on your plate, and it's been a tough year for you, but I'm just pointing out that if he has an addictive personality and couldn't cope with pain, that's the reason why he got hooked on them.

You kind of always need to know reasons, then it can sometimes help you with closure on why. If he was spending it on another woman, yay, I would be way mad and never want to be near him..

But, he obviously couldn't deal with the pain at that time.

You guys have been together along time. A long time.. If there is still love there, then try to forgive a little, but forgive yourself too for feeling so depressed, down and in pain yourself over it all.

Obviously you deal with pain differently.

There is as WC said so many positives here, you have a new home, a fresh start, land, you can create again, even better than the last time..

Your step brother will fly the coup in a couple of years, he has to be able to stand on his own two feet at some stage.

You have two beautiful children that you adore.

And, you can look at ways to make your business more appealing and market it and gain more business, and more new things for your home..

It's a tough world out there. I don't know why but they say things comes in 3's and I do think that they do. Everything crashes at once, so you can deal with it all at once, and therefore, not one thing at a time over years, of trying to cope with it over and over and over.

2010 will be a beautiful year for you, you'll move into your house, you'll feel more at peace.

So now you have to try to tell yourself from the 01/01/2010, your going to make it that way as well, your going to be full of spirit and make it a great year and therefore, all those around you are going to as well, as they see your sprit lighten and liven.

Yes, he contributed definately to all of this...

But, there appears to have been a legitimate reason, pain, which resulted in drugs, which resulted in being addicted and himself going through a downward spiral himself, in life.

To make things better, you both have to sit down and discuss that and get it out of your system once and for all, encourage him and him you and get out there and make it happen even better than before, and more fun and exciting.

Perhaps, he realises what happened himself but without "belief" that he made a huge mistake and can correct it, he is never going to and it will only work against you....

Have a think sweet.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I guess my question is... Is it fair to be expected to have sex with my husband, just because HE WANTS IT???? I could not care less if we ever do it again.

Just because he wants it? Yes, fair. Everytime he wants it? No, not reasonable if you're not enjoying it.

In my opinion if you are in a "committed" relationship meaning you both choose to be faithful to each other and one person decides 'no.more.sex.' where does it leave the other partner that wants sex? If they are committed and faithful to you... and you want that... yet don't to have sex.. and they want sex... do you see how that can make the other person resentful?

Thats pretty much saying... you want sex, I don't, you agreed to only have sex with me and since I don't want ... tough luck dear.

I am not saying that you should do it everytime he wants but I think a compromised could be made so that half the time you get what you want (no sex) and half the time he gets what he wants (sex) unless of course it is painful for you, then you might need to consult a doctor, try lubricants etc.

I think when you do agree to have sex with him, you shouldn't do it like 'okay get it over with'. Think of how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your drive was up and it was him that was like , ew, no. You'd feel bad about yourself and be literally driven away from your bedroom.

You sound like you have so much going on in your life and stress is very likely the culprit but I've known a lot of women right here on these boards will say that when they quit having sex, they quit wanting it. Once they put it out of their mind the desire is gone.

So just so that you get some pleasure out of sex, your drive back, and become able to use sex as the stress relief you could really use at this time you should try to get yourself mentally interested in it again... taking time to fantasize/masturbate/explore.

[snow37]

To : Chandlers Wish

If, other than the hubby you feel you could cope better, then you've really built up a resentment over what has happened.

But, I wonder really if it is everything?

You now look after your half brother, your building a new home, business is difficult, you lost a home you obviously loved, you've lost a person, you obviously loved and you've put money in again for a new one, which was your money willed to you.

I would be mad over all of them, or having problems coping with all of them, not single one thing out and you seem to single one event, as causing all of the above events, which is not the case.

I think that you have had so much happen, that it's all a blur and you need to vent and get angry and your singling out losing the house and the reasons for that.

Are you suggesting he initially bought drugs? Then moved onto pain killers for his knee? Which would explain costs more so, than just pain killers.

I know alot of people can't cope with pain and get into drugs to relieve that, in-fact Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger also come to mind in this regard.. They can be addictive, really addictive and unfortunately, for these two people, they died.

I'm not being harsh at all, because you have a lot on your plate, and it's been a tough year for you, but I'm just pointing out that if he has an addictive personality and couldn't cope with pain, that's the reason why he got hooked on them.

You kind of always need to know reasons, then it can sometimes help you with closure on why. If he was spending it on another woman, yay, I would be way mad and never want to be near him..

But, he obviously couldn't deal with the pain at that time.

You guys have been together along time. A long time.. If there is still love there, then try to forgive a little, but forgive yourself too for feeling so depressed, down and in pain yourself over it all.

Obviously you deal with pain differently.

There is as WC said so many positives here, you have a new home, a fresh start, land, you can create again, even better than the last time..

Your step brother will fly the coup in a couple of years, he has to be able to stand on his own two feet at some stage.

You have two beautiful children that you adore.

And, you can look at ways to make your business more appealing and market it and gain more business, and more new things for your home..

It's a tough world out there. I don't know why but they say things comes in 3's and I do think that they do. Everything crashes at once, so you can deal with it all at once, and therefore, not one thing at a time over years, of trying to cope with it over and over and over.

2010 will be a beautiful year for you, you'll move into your house, you'll feel more at peace.

So now you have to try to tell yourself from the 01/01/2010, your going to make it that way as well, your going to be full of spirit and make it a great year and therefore, all those around you are going to as well, as they see your sprit lighten and liven.

Yes, he contributed definately to all of this...

But, there appears to have been a legitimate reason, pain, which resulted in drugs, which resulted in being addicted and himself going through a downward spiral himself, in life.

To make things better, you both have to sit down and discuss that and get it out of your system once and for all, encourage him and him you and get out there and make it happen even better than before, and more fun and exciting.

Perhaps, he realises what happened himself but without "belief" that he made a huge mistake and can correct it, he is never going to and it will only work against you....

Have a think sweet.

CW

Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom I really do appreciate it. It has been a wonderful experience hearing from other women on my situation!! It has helped me stand back and take a better look at my life.. my problems.. my situation and all the GOOD things that I do have in my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

I'm going to do what you said... I am going to make 2010 a great year. I am going to look at this coming year as MY YEAR to make my life so much better. I am going to enjoy the good things in my life... and make things better than ever!!!

Me & my husband were able to have a very long talk lastnight on the way to our daughters basketball game. It was just me and him in the car... so we could talk,cry and do a little bit of yelling from time to time on the way there--lol. We got alot of things off our chest. I believe things will turn out pretty good... that is if he is able to hold up his end of it. Thats probably the one thing I worry about. He is good at making promises... but not so good at keeping them. But we agreed... if we can't do this "TOGETHER" then we would just end it now and not waste anymore time... but we have both said we DO want to do this TOGETHER... so time will tell!!! Either way... I'm taking my life into my own hands and I am going to do the very best I can with what I have and except my life as a blessing... not a failure)

Thank you so much..... BIG HUGS!!!!

[WildChild]

Good For You!!! This certainly brightens my evening!