[MrsDeadCeleb]

Until i met my current partner, i was so cynical and i never believed in love or saw the point of marriage. But since meeting him i have changed so drastically. He has made me appreciate myself and my life, made me want to be a better person. The biggest change is now i actually believe in marriage.

A few months back he kissed me and whispered 'Marry me'. This, of course, was immediately after sex so i ignored it, naturally, assuming he was just caught up in the moment. But since then he says it all the time and insists he is serious. Mostly i am amazed at what it made me feel, i had to literally bite my lip to stop me screaming 'YES!!' (However much that makes me sound like some cruddy pornstar) but we have talked about it a lot -him always bringing the subject up- but the problem is, we have entirely different opinions on the whole thing.

Firstly, he insists that though he is desperate to marry me he will never be 'engaged' to me (though i do refer to him as my fiance as i know we will be married one day, however we do it. He already calls me his wife) as he thinks an engagement is disrespectful to the woman, he says it's like a 'down-payment', putting a reserve on a woman before you marry her. Well, ok then, but he has been engaged twice before.. Wtf??

Also his idea of our wedding day is randomely one day whipping me off to Gretna Green for a private ceremony, no-one there just me and him, then never telling anyone about it after!! I understand everyone wants different things but come on! Surely i'm not just being paranoid by wondering if he's ashamed or something?

When we spoke about it though he wasn't just saying it lightly, what he would want, he was INSISTING that is what will happen. He says it's about us and our love, no-one else needs to be involved and i get that but.. My opinion on marriage has only recently changed, fair enough, but i really understand it now. I don't want our wedding day to be 'my day', for it to be about showing off and having all eyes on me, but i would like to share that day with a few people who mean the world to me and i'm proud that he is my man, why keep it a secret?

I don't get it.. I know he loves me, he has my name tattooed on his chest, he asked me to move in with him, i feel loved and everything but why this with the wedding? Why all the secrecy?
His parents are fantastic, we get on so well so there's no problems there, i get on well with all his friends, he loves my family and friends so there's no explanation.

Advice, opinions.. Please!
What would you do in this situation?
What do you make of it, do you think he's ashamed of me?

[pretzel]

My advice (from a man's point of view)

Tell him what you want. It's your special day just as much his.

Then, compromise.....................

[kira]

I'd actually entirely agree with him. We had a private ceremony (you do have to have 2 witnesses so our best friends were there) and we would have avoided telling everyone for a long time but it just wasn't possible. If we had money we'd have disapeared for who knows how long immediately afterward. It has nothing to do with being ashamed. We didn't need a ceremony or complications and other people to deal with. We finally agreed to our parents having a reception and that was annoying enough. They said they'd plan it and they wanted it then we kept getting asked about food, colors, cake, and we were suppose to come up with lists of people to invite. Now my mom is making death threats over the thank yous we haven't got around to sending out. If I could have kept the whole thing a secret I gladly would have so we could just concentrate on each other instead.

His point of view has merit and is actually shared by alot of people but since this equally involves both of you it means you are going to have to come up with a compromise. Most likely he's going to have to concede to telling at least family. You will have to decide what you aren't willing to give up and he will have to decide what he isn't willing to give up so you can reach an agreement. If both of you really do want to marry each other and love each other then it won't matter that much how it happens. There should be plenty of things you are both willing to compromise on to make it work with both of you being happy about it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't mind his thought pattern, let's face it, he's been engaged (twice) he's a romantic, but both times it's ended and so it was a "broken promise", in addition his parents know about the "two engagements", if he married and that didn't work as well? Then he would feel "stupid", just a hopless romantic who keeps getting it wrong.

Not withstanding that he loves you and wants to marry you, he actually wants to by-pass and give himself luck this time.

It's fear... so have a "commitment wedding", as he wishes and tell him, 2 years from now, you will have a simular one, but with 10 or so guests (family), to renew your vows, witnessed as a marriage.

Perhaps that's all he needs is the time to see that you are both still deeply in love.

CW

[MrsDeadCeleb]

Hmm.. Well, that makes sense, i never thought of it like that. That's all good and everything, i think i understand a bit better now -he very much idolizes his dad, he wants to be just like him- but at the same time i've got his name tattooed too, i think i've showed my devotion to him, as much as i know how (and i don't just mean with the tattoo, that was for myself).. we have such a fantastic relationship, i just thought he would feel secure enough by now. I worship the ground he walks on and the feeling's returned.

To be honest, what you have all said makes a lot of sense and i ssee the whole idea in a different light now. If that's what he wants then that's ok with me. Actually really looking foward to it now

Thankies!
Love your new pic, CW

Thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks mam

I just think too many of us "read into things" instead of actually "reading them", perhaps that's my new saying? haha... Just the way I think...