[Shurm]

CW,

I understand where you are coming from with the coping mechanism. I know we all have our own. And I certainly know that guys do not handle things the way women do. They don't wear it on their sleeves. And yes, he is a kid, I see that now. I should have seen it a long time ago.

He does hide. He always has. It's just never been from me. Anytime he doesn't want to deal with something, whether it be his mom or dad, he just ignores their calls and doesn't return the calls. His parents always had to call me finally to get me to get him to call them.

I know he's not a "man" yet by age. But he stood up and married me like a man and I think he should act somewhat more mature about this than he is. I know he doesn't know how to deal with things the way I do being that I am older but this is a bit ridiculous.

He was very convincing of his love. In fact, there is not one person that knows us that hasn't told me since this happened that they can't understand it because they knew he was crazy about me, that he really loved me. As I do him.

I was not really lonely when I met him. I had only lived in my condo for about 4 months and I had a friend that lived with me. I don't really know what it was about him that made me fall for him when I knew in the back of my head it would never last. Maybe his being there all the time, I am not sure.

I have moved already from that place....too many memories. So, that's a good thing. It's been easier not being in our home.

But my heart is so broken because I did and do truly love him. After you guys comments, I am starting to think he didn't love me the way I loved him. He couldn't have and did those things to me. He also wouldn't have treated me the way he did for the last 3 months.

But like I said, you could not have told me this would ever happened. That is how convincing he was. I truly believed he loved me and he would always be with me. Partly because he told me so at least 15 times a day. Everyday!

I have friends I have been hanging out with. It makes it easier.

I have decided to file my divorce myself next week. I cannot wait on him to file it because he never will. You are right in that he probably doesn't have the money or at least doesn't want to spend his money on a divorce. I don't exist remember so why does he need to file the divorce. Being married hasn't stopped him from committing adultery, he has no conscience anymore.

I wish he could be a man. He presented himself to me in that manner. I wish he wouldn't have changed. I miss the old him.

I think he needs to enjoy his youth. I just wish he had never asked me to marry him and I wish I had said no. I'm tired of the pain and tired of letting him have this hold on my heart.

Thank you for taking the time to write, it means a lot!

Shurm

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Breakups always hurt, and non-closure hurts more and i sense that your seeing things that you didn't see because love is also blind

Write to him and tell him that you accept that he needs to enjoy his youth but to write back and just tell you that at that time, throughout your time, you were what he wanted and things change, life, youth, just ask for closure.

Then you can move on sweet.

CW

[Ahryin]

Ok Shurm...let me once again apologize for what I'm about to say (if you visit my post you will see why I apologize first) I will not try to hurt you i'm just going to be as honest as possible because thats what real friends do. I treat EVERYONE on this site exactly the same and I understand what everyone is saying but right now you need TOUGH love.

1. You and him were not in any way shape or form perfect, great, on the same wave length, best friends, meant for each other and NO he did not and does not love you. Correction he might love you but he is NOT in love with you. I don't even believe he knows what love is...
Imma need you to take your teenage cap off for a second and remember what love is. Websters dictionary defines love as an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another. Now ask yourself....was this qualification met? NO...the moment he asked you to get an abortion that went out the window! The moment he cheated on you that went out the window! The moment he did it AGAIN that went out the window and accross the street! When he got the girls phone number just for s*hitz and gigglez that went out of the window down the street and accross the dang gone train tracks! One in love does not act in such a way...why...because a person in love acts accordingly, taking any harmful actions or any potential harmful actions into account.

2. He hasn't said sorry because he isn't sorry. I mean he is sorry he was caught, but not sorry he did those things

3. I disagree with CW which is really surprising because I normally dont but a 17yr gap at that stage (that stage being 20..because 20yr olds are the same as saying 16 to me) is to much of a gap. They haven't had the time to learn right from wrong let alone what sorry really means. For instance...he got kicked out of the airforce for a DWI...smh wtf. He sounds as if he has enabling parents and just traded them in for you. Then when you became a dominating presence he ran. The same way he has done all of his young life. Think about it...left his parents for the airforce...couldn't cut it there met you...couldn't cut it there now he has left again.

4. You are older and have more of a concept of what love is and what life is so I have NO doubt that you loved him and accepted him into your life. He was your best friend...you were NOT his. You fell in love with his representative (which is a common mistake and a forgiveable one) I'm sorry for your loss however i'm happy that you do not have any ties to this man.

5. When you forgave him the second time with no recourse you showed him you will accept that type of behavior from him that he did not have to worry about loosing you...so thats exactly what he did...stopped worrying about it. Some times crocodile tears will get you everywhere

You seem like a passionate, intelligent, wonderful woman. I have no doubt that this is hurting you down to the balls of your feet however now is not the time for that. Hurt fades unless you harbor it. Take this time to redirect that energy file for divorce he ABANDONED you...realize that! File for alimony (so he can learn a lesson *I promise you he will call then but don't be fooled*) Its not about vengence its about the lesson...what is rite is rite and what is wrong is wrong. There is NO way to disguise this...he was is and forever will be dead wrong.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

3. I disagree with CW which is really surprising because I normally dont but a 17yr gap at that stage (that stage being 20..because 20yr olds are the same as saying 16 to me) is to much of a gap.

We can't judge and we don't judge on this site There may be relevance pertaining to the age gap with respect to the Poster's questions and I think everyone has covered that, including me, as to why there may not be closure and why he has treated this in-correctly, there the age gap does apply.

But, it's not our call to judge, that's a choice they mutually made, right or wrong....

CW

[happy ending]

It sounds like you may be dealing with a difference between reality and perception. We all do it to some degree. Reread your initial post, there are a lot of clues that he wasn't ever as In it as you were.

Bursting the bubble hurts but to move on we have to.

so true WC and let me add i think you are still infatuated with this man, you still idolise him and if he came back tomorrow you would welcome him with open arms, i know how difficult it is to move on, but for you own sake you have to.

[Guest]

you already see what a jerk he is, or at least it seems like it from your posts. you (like many of us) seem to be afraid that you will end up alone and not find someone better.

[Shurm]

Wow, you guys are the best. I am seeing things a bit different now. It doesn't change the fact that I love him but it is making me realize that he does not know what love is. He did not love me by the definition of love. I see that now. I thought he did because he told me he did but actions should have spoken louder than words. I have my teenage cap off now. It still hurts though.

It's like I lived in a dream for those 16 months and now I have been living in a nightmare for the past 3 months.

The bubble has burst! However, now that it has, I find myself dealing with a whole new set of emotions. The 16 months I was with him seem as if a lie now. I feel stupid and deceived.

I would love to be able to write him and tell him to enjoy his youth, that I see now that we were never meant to be. But I can't rely on him to read what I send him much less write back. Through his eyes, that would be an attempt to "get him back" even though it would not be.

I will say that I could never take him back. It would be next to impossible to say no but now that I know what he is capable of...just walking away, I could never trust him again. I should have never trusted in him so much. I just loved him so much. I hate to believe that he just used me but looking back, that had to be what it was. I just can't believe it. I am such a fool.

He does have enabling parents. When he left, he went to his dad's who is going through a divorce. His dad, instead of telling him to go home and deal with the situation, tells him he can live there, keeps the fridge stocked with beer, cooks for him every night and even went out and bought him a similar mattress topper like we had so that he would be comfortable in the bed he was sleeping in. WOW right?

He is young but he is a jerk!

He was never the best thing for me. He treated me bad. I don't know why I let him do that. I have never been the type of person to let someone walk on me. Who I really am would have kicked him to the curb when I saw the text message much less actually cheating on me. Love is blind and boy was I. Who am I kidding, I still am because I still love him. I am still infatuated with him. I do not have closure. He will not provide that to me. He instead would rather just hide from me and pretend I don't exist.

This is me today. I have a feeling that tomorrow will be different. I am frightened by that because I fall back into missing him.

Ahryin, you are correct, when I forgave him the second time, I was telling him that he could basically do anything he wanted and I would always be there. I showed no respect for myself by doing that and by that, he did not respect me. So, I suppose it is partly, if not all, my fault because I allowed him to treat me bad.

It's really sad to me. One thing that will not change is the wish of mine that we could at least talk like adults. I know, I know, he isn't one yet. But I can still wish...

As I said in my previous post. I am filing for divorce next week on the 23rd which will mark 11 months of marriage. I am having him served with the papers that same day along with a subpoena to appear in Court after the first of the year. I have not held him accountable for anything but community debt was created as a result of his attorney's fees for his DWI and I am asking the Court to award half of that debt to him. The Court will do that and I know that he is going to be mad but a lesson is what that will be.

He may be young and he may need to enjoy his youth but he also needs to learn to grow up and be responsible. I am curious what he will do once he is served with the papers and subpoena. Will he ignore it as he has done me? Hide from it? I agree Ahryin that he may call at that time. I don't think it will be a very nice call and I don't know that I will even answer.

I still would give anything if none of this had happened. But I know it had to, I know that in the long run, I will look back on it as a mistake. That doesn't change how badly it hurts now though.

Thanks for listening and for your words, you have no idea how much this is helping me get through the day.

[WildChild]

Life is a learning experience and sometimes the lessons are hard and expensive. Get the paperwork filed. In most places once that is done you are not liable for debt accured after the filing date.

[Ahryin]

ok I know i'm normally hard but with that out of the way I can honestly tell you its NOT your fault. Love is not a bad thing, its never a bad thing. Bad things happen, bad judgements are made but LOVE is not bad. You can not fault yourself because of love. Be happy that you experienced it in any way but know when to move on. Honestly I would hold him accountable for the whole debt because he abandoned you but thats just me.

I am not innocent and have made many mistakes over and over and over and over again..lol I learn different lessons and try to make the best out of the situations. I have two girls that I love and adore...from not so good situations (which is why I said i'm happy you don't have any ties to him)

The part about writing a letter is a good idea but I don't think you should mail it. I think you should write it to him and burn it. It will help with closure. Which is actually a piece of advice that I got from this site a couple of months back. It really helps believe it or not. I also suggest you get that steve harvey book. I read it and love it! That and the book writen by big boom his body gaurd.

Don't ever feel stupid because you are not

[Shurm]

OK.. HELP.. I knew today would be different. I am having a hard day. I can't stop thinking about the whole thing.

I saw a picture that he took and the Ukrainian girl was in the picture with all of his other friends. It makes me so angry that he is just parading around with another woman as if he is single. I mean I know that's his mindset right now but it makes me so mad!

I keep telling myself..it's been almost 3 1/2 months since he walked. You haven't talked to him in almost 2 months....let it go. Why can't I let it go?

I know he doesn't love me. I know he is a jerk. I know that it was a mistake to ever be with him. What is wrong with me? It's driving me crazy!

I want to call him and just yell at him and ask him WTF? WTF is wrong with you? I want to contact this girl and tell her he is married and that he is a liar. I know I shouldn't. I know that calling him or contacting her would be fruitless.

I feel like screaming. It's maddening! How can he just act like I don't exist? I know and understand everything all of you have said. I know he's young. But do you know how bad it hurts to know that someone you love, someone you married doesn't even care whether you are alive or dead? That's the worst feeling in the world.

I'm sorry...it's just a bad bad day.

Shurm