[Risch]

I am reading all these posts (including mine) and one thing stands out as clear as day: we are ignored, humiliated, hurt, thrown aside, trampled on, lied to, ignored some more, cheated on, rejected.... and yet we strive to give some more love, to try harder, to try and understand THEIR side... my word, why don't we get it? why don't we women see that these men we are complaining about are not good for us? Why do we take the rejection of porn games, of cheating, of being told to choose between your kids and your husband, why do we take this punishment? Why can't we just up and leave? They obviously couldn't care less whether we were in their lives or not. Why do we care so much? And I am asking this to myself too... Am I that scared? Of what? being alone? Isn't rejection while your boyfriend plays porn games or cheats on you worse than being alone? Will being alone really be worse for me when I leave? I won't have to live 2 lives in one anymore, I wouldn't have to worry about him ignoring my other 2 children and wouldn't have to hear how I "caught" him? I wouldn't have to wait for an "I love you" that just isn't coming. Why in this world do I stay??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We live off of hope.

We as women, are born to have children and as such we are born to be understanding, we think therefore, just like with children that "they will grow out of it".. mistaken for "they will change"... We carry on with the "understanding" put a few "foot's down" to allow ourselves to be heard but it goes on deaths ear.

All women need to do a course, in my opinion on "touching on their inner selves, locating whom they are and what they want out of life, being in touch with the beauty of themselves, in every sphere... so that they know their true self and therefore, dis-associate from the "Mother" figure, to the "individual person"... whom they are.

Strangely, it's thought in my opinion that our parents and theirs had it easy, they loved each other, "stayed together", great friendships with each other. But, this is not reality. In those days, you stayed together, in those days, women didn't get to know their bodies, and "want", I don't even think they really knew about oral either, at least for themselves, it was about "pleasing the man", which is your take on this. It was about, cooking, cleaning, having his babies whilst he worked, it was about him, not her and sex was about having babies, not about intimacy, not about reaching a soul... Or, it was plain sex, which made the woman permissive, often someone else's "mistress", or a in the true sense of the Industry...

Women of all eras had goals, targeted men with vulvernability to succeed in their lives financially, often claiming lovers along the way, only to be murdered by their husbands once established, it's factual...

Then there were women whom purely believed marriage is forever, anything in-different is shunned out and so they accepted, his infidelities and coldness and lived a life of "sometimes fear" most often lonliness, solitude and sex, not intimacy.

Today we have choices. Today women work. Today, we don't have to accept anything we don't want to, today we have freedom of choice and of speach and of employment opportunities.

So, as we are bought up in a world of our parents, we are bought up insecure, because society has changed but this I will get into trouble over, men haven't.. They still see a wife as exactly that, there for him in most cases and she can work and bring in income and then work at home tending to all the childrens needs and his, he has difficulty himself with "change"..

But again, some men, have had many a failed relationship and have questioned why and have taken the time to learn intimacy, emotions, love and commitment and faithfullness and with communication coupled into that, have an exciting and excellent partner in crime/life from that knowledge.

But again, some women live in the past and "expect" from a man, to know her emotions, not understand his sexuality and being a lady out of the home and a tart with her husband in her home, as well as a loving partner.

It's a different world...

So, with the only knowledge you know, you go through the same "types" and keep making the same "mistakes", until one day you can stand in front of the mirror and say "I know exactly what type of man I am after and what I have had and I will cross my legs until he is there"... or have a good time, waiting

It starts with us.

It starts with the inner you.

And, it starts with trust in yourself that you know exactly what journey you want in this life.

Then you don't take the punishment, you do leave and you do not fear.

And, you do not settle ever again.

CW

[Guest]

the answer is the same regardless of the gender of the person being left hanging...

we are afraid of being alone.

[rcoreyus]

We don't want to hurt someone we love - whether or not that person deserves our love.

We hope that our SO will become what we wish and believed they had always been

[WildChild]

We want to see them heal, see them whole and able to experience the joy of loving. Or we come from backgrounds that set poor examples and expectations.

[stressed]

Maybe we've seen our parents making it through worse problems and we think we can make it too. Or maybe we've seen our parents divorcing and we don't want to fail in the same way. Maybe we are optimistic and believe that our SO will understand us and change because we are asking for simple things. Maybe living together with the same person for a long time is just not possible without serious problems coming up. Maybe humans are greedy, always want more and can never be happy with what they have. Maybe we feel that our SO has become a part of ourselves that leaving them would make us, temporarily, feel as if we miss an arm or a leg. Maybe we're scared or financially dependent. Maybe we're just afraid of growing old alone without a family and somebody to love us.

[stressed]

The initial post actually made me think of something... what if this person who hurts us feels exactly the same? What if he also thinks that we're the bad ones who don't understand and what if he also wonders why he can't leave us. What if it's both to blame up to an equal point? Why can't couples communicate and be open?
Why do I suddenly have the feeling that if all the SO's of everyone who has registered in this forum were registered in another forum they would have things to complain about and be equally told that they have to leave as we are, correctly, told here? We all present things only from our perspective and some times we find it easier to blame our SO for our unhappiness.

I don't know what's got into me, I might as well be saying rubbish right now. I'm in an odd state of mind.

[rcoreyus]

Stressed - I have had exactly the same thought. If only people could communicate - but for some reason they can't.

Several years ago a good friend of mine took me aside and asked me if "someone" should stay in a relationship if they had lost interest, but their SO still wanted them and had not changed. I told her that this person had a duty to stay true to the person they have committed to. It was the WORST advice I have ever given. They had a child not long after and are still together - and I think unhappy. I have more guilt about this advice than pretty much anything else I have ever done.

So - in my continuing attempts to redeem myself, I think no one should ever feel they need to stay in an unhappy relationship.

[mr.mansview]

I am reading all these posts (including mine) and one thing stands out as clear as day: we are ignored, humiliated, hurt, thrown aside, trampled on, lied to, ignored some more, cheated on, rejected.... and yet we strive to give some more love, to try harder, to try and understand THEIR side... my word, why don't we get it? why don't we women see that these men we are complaining about are not good for us? Why do we take the rejection of porn games, of cheating, of being told to choose between your kids and your husband, why do we take this punishment? Why can't we just up and leave? They obviously couldn't care less whether we were in their lives or not. Why do we care so much? And I am asking this to myself too... Am I that scared? Of what? being alone? Isn't rejection while your boyfriend plays porn games or cheats on you worse than being alone? Will being alone really be worse for me when I leave? I won't have to live 2 lives in one anymore, I wouldn't have to worry about him ignoring my other 2 children and wouldn't have to hear how I "caught" him? I wouldn't have to wait for an "I love you" that just isn't coming. Why in this world do I stay??

i shake my head "risch" every time i read about a woman postimg on WH about this and wonder exactly the same thing..it's not like there are only a handful of men available out there..

[snow37]

Well for me... I stay because of Financial dependence. We own a business together... and I couldn't make it without that money. Ive been trying to become more finanically independent, but it's not happened yet. I KNOW I deserve better. Ive put up with more in this 16 year marriage, to last me a lifetime. I would be 100% happier alone. Most of my stress comes from HIM!! Thats pretty darn sad to say that about a person you are sharing your life with.

I wish it were better... I wish I loved him more and got the same in return, but thats just not the case. Ive tried... and tried... but you can't make someone be other than what they already are. SOME people do change and become better people... but thats only when they WANT TO!!! Mostly people remain the same... especially when it comes to MEN!!!!

So, if there is anyone out there that feels stuck,is unhappy,and knows in their heart that they would be better off with THAT MAN--- then do what you have to to get away!!! Im working on it...

Good Luck ladies...