[Amy Williams]

So about a yr or so back my husband and I decided we were no longer going to watch porn. I watched it with him and such but he brought up that we should stop so i agreed.

Lately ive noticed he's been staying up later while i put our daughter to sleep since she falls asleep easier with me. Im 27 weeks pregnant and i know i dont have a ton of energy esp. since im at home all day with our 2 y/o,i babysit occasionally and i still keep up the house [to the best of my abilities].

I asked him when i first found out i was pregnant and even before then if he was still watching porn. He very offensively asked why and promptly told me NO. We've been in a few arguments over it and how I feel about it since HES the one that pointed out that we should stop it.

last night as i was looking for something my friend sent me on my email that i had to download i found a TON of porn videos. even in the history from this morning there was a porn website. Im honestly not sure what hurts worse that he's still watching it even though HE said it was bothering our marriage or that he looked me in the eyes and flat out lied!!!

I know if i mention it to him he'll get ****ed and think i was snooping [even though i feel i have a right since im his wife and mother of his kids] i cried all night and even some this morning and he acts like nothing is ever wrong,he's never wrong or does anything wrong.

i dont know what to do or if im feeling is wrong all i know is im hurt. Im trying to not show it bc if he asks im going to break down and cry and im tired of crying.

I love this man and if he would just tell me the truth all this would be avioded,i would KNOW he watched it [which doesnt bother me all too much as long as it doesnt effect our sex life] not have to find out and know that he lied about it.

WHY IS TELLING ME THE TRUTH SO DIFFICULT FOR HIM? DO I NOT SATISFY HIM? IS HE UNHAPPY AND JUST WITH ME BC OF THE KIDS?

UGH!

someone please tell me or tell me if im overreacting at least.

[Guest]

am i reading too much into it, or was porn something you used to watch together? were you ever ok with it?

I'm not condoning it, but he probably said no because he doesnt want to hurt your feelings. especially since you are pregnant.

be upset, have a good cry, and then tell him you stumbled across it. tell him you just want to be told the truth.

another question, would you be ok with the two of you watching it again? not sure why you two stopped, other then he suggested it. if its not a prob, then why not?

[Amy Williams]

am i reading too much into it, or was porn something you used to watch together? were you ever ok with it?

I'm not condoning it, but he probably said no because he doesnt want to hurt your feelings. especially since you are pregnant.

be upset, have a good cry, and then tell him you stumbled across it. tell him you just want to be told the truth.

another question, would you be ok with the two of you watching it again? not sure why you two stopped, other then he suggested it. if its not a prob, then why not?

you read right we use to [before our daughter was born] watch it together. it doesnt bother me so much that he watches it,it bothers me that he lied to me about it. im appreciate him not wanting to hurt my feelings but stumbling across it hurts me more than anything. it makes me feel like he feels he cant trust me and ive never given him a reason not to and if he feels he cant he needs to tell me.

thanks

[Hopeless Dork]

As a girl that tried to thrust myself into my guys porn watching and do it with him... I think its different for them watching it with their partner than it is watching it alone. I thought watching it with my guy would curb his desire to see it without me, but didn't really seem to work like that.

Its possible that he wanted to stop watching it WITH you, but didn't really want to stop watching it all together.

I see your first reaction, is my own reaction when I saw my guy looks at it and that is... IS HE HAPPY WITH ME? I think that is the default reaction for a lot of women. Seeing porn brings about a certain feeling of not being enough for them or something, or that they are unhappy with what we do.

I will never pretend to understand this inherent need some people have for a variety of visual stimulation and I suppose I don't need to I guess. I've tried and tried to get it to make any sense to me that it could mean anything other than they are unhappy or bored (both of which are sort of heartbreaking, self-esteem shattering conclusions) and even when guys , like our lovely tex here on these boards try to break it to us gently on how its usually due to nothing being wrong with us... is still hard to swallow.

Most women are kind of wired to want to feel adored, wanted, to be showered with attention... and feeling like the man we need that from most is adoring, wanting, and giving his attention to others can make us feel not only slighted, but also insecure.

Most guys know this, and they hide it to spare our feelings which sounds like what your husbands been doing. While the lying is frustrating, I guess his heart is in the right place in his true intentions.

Perhaps he doesn't want to watch it with you because you are a mother, and your pregnant and maybe deep down he see's porn as something 'dirty' and so feels awkward watching it with the mother of his children. That might not be the reason, but there is this tendency for some new fathers to treat the mother of his children like a saint... she doesn't see or do bad things.

Talking to him will be the best thing to do. You weren't snooping. You were downloading stuff and there it was. Take the focus of catching him doing wrong and the focus on whats really bothering you... why does he not want to watch it with you if he still wants to watch it alone.

Yelling or getting upset wont get you closer to an answer that will give you any sort of peace of mind. Try to be understanding for his reasons to hide it from you while still seeking some sort of reassurance that he is indeed happy.

[Guest]

well you should be a little upset, but a lot of what you are feeling is probably the hormones and baby floating in you. go talk to him and try not to get so worked up about it.

you do need to come to terms with why you two stopped watching it before you chat with him though. if it was a problem in your relationship you may want to get a grasp on what effect it had before you consider watching it with him again.

FYI, he may be uneasy about watching it with you now because of how he thinks you might react. a lot of women get overly self conscious when pregnant and things start running through the mind that are based on fear, not fact.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think the timing of him wanting to stop watching with you after you had the first child.... might be leaning towards him not wanting to feel like he is being corruptive of the mom of his kids. Not saying your guys is that way, but a lot of guys have this problem.

They see their own mother as a saint and can't imagine her being dirty and sexual.. so when their wife/gf becomes a mother... they want to put them in the same light.

[Amy Williams]

thanks [ = this has really helped me. i really appreciate it,im glad to see im not the only one that cnt grasp the reasoning behind porn and why it attracts men like flies but i guess id rather have him watching a person on a computer screen then actually sleeping with someone else.

even though i find both of these evil-porn is the lesser of the 2!