Why am i the bad guy!

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-16-2010, 12:32 AM

just great, so i go to take a shower b4 i start to cry in front of him. & he figure out i was upset even though i tried very hard not to show it. i just need a little time to think to myself about it b4 i talked to him. i always do this so i don't let my emotions do the talking instead of my brain.
so he followed me in the bathroom & i was in the shower. he asked wat was wrong, i told him nothin, he asked again knowing. so i started talking to him. i didn't get mad or loud, i c no sense in it as all my life my parents did it & it did nothing but make them hate each other more.
i told him how i felt about the whole thing, the whole time calmly talking to him. he wasn't understanding that it wasn't all about the money, that it was also about him not caring enough about the bills & how they were important to me.

i tried explaining it to him in a way he could understand. i have been wanting to buy a movie but we haven't cause he was right, the extra money wasn't there to buy it so we haven't gotten it, i was ok with that. then i told him he wanted to go get this video game that cost more than a dvd. & that at that moment in his mind it was ok to spend that money. i said ok so my point is that it wasn't in the funds wen i wanted a dvd but it's all the sudden in the funds to buy a video game? he said yeah but i'm ok with not getting the game right now, i'm not upset about it.........he completely missed the point, so i tried again & again, he was still missing the point. i was trying to get him to understand that he puts certain things over that which should take priority. & that by him doing that he is actually hurting my feelings because we have been over this several time & it is like he didn't even listen, that my words weren't even worth of remembering.......or listening to!
i then tried to explain to him that our bills out weigh our pay. he said there was no way. well with me handling all the bills i know wat we spend on bills. he told that if he wanted to we could pay all our bills totally & told me to tally it up. which might i add that if we can pay all the bills totally....y are we not! i didn't say that but i thought it. so i tallied it up. he said that we still had money left after all that. which btw i just did the math on the calculator, like i have done b4, except this time i only calculated thing we had to pay with this paycheck, so this doesn't include all the expenses. & the total came out to more money owed than for that paycheck. but i also didn't included that because he put his account into the negative once it every paycheck he gets pulls him out of the negatives but we end up back in the negative due to paying for things, if u can understand wat i am trying to say. so every paycheck we go back into the negatives on his account & everytime u spend while ur account is in the negatives it, the bank charges $25. so if he is in the negatives, spends $5 at one store, the bank charges him $25. then he goes to another store & spends $15 20 mins later the bank will charge him another $25.
i explained all of this to him & i wasn't doing this to prove him wrong, i was just trying to explain how i came up with wat i was telling. again i wasn't yelling at him, i was crying a little because he was getting upset with me. i guess i hit a nerve unintentionally cause he told me "well i know my account & i don't need u to explain it to me"
it hurt cause i was only trying to help him understand & he acts like i am attacking him. he just keep saying watever at that point, so i knew he wasn't listening ne more. so i stopped talking.
he said i love u & left. which meant he was done talking about it. i got out of the shower like 5 minutes later & he was in bed. he didn't even want to go to bed earlier so he did it out of frustration. me crying my eyes out in the living room cause my feelings r hurt & cause i know that right now he thinks that i'm saying he isn't right at all & is to blame, which isn't true. we didn't argue, just a whole convo that is a miscommunication. he just sent me a text saying he is sry & he sucks at life, & that's not true & that's not wat i wanted at all. ugh, so much going on in my head right now! i just wanted him to understand but make him not blame himself & beat himself up!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-16-2010, 12:59 AM

Awee hun, but if you don't then you loose everything...

It's called reposession

He wont learn sweet until everything is repossed and he has nothing, he can't budget, can't work out money, he sees extra income and spends it..

He sees you as "rebelling" your "in control" the word "control" he doesn't like either cause your like the banks and the company he loans from.

Do the tally show him every single bill divided by a month, etc, including bank fees, charges, verse income..

Show him that he needs to understand that it can't go on this way because it's stressing you to the hilt and your not his bank manager, your his wife.

Make an amount weekly that HAS to come out and only then can he access any further funds.

My ex was like this and i lost so much money as I loned to get us along... It's not on, it's not worth the stress, it will end the relationship and he still won't comprehend.

I so hope your husband sees it... I did all of this, all that you did, and showed him the figures but he still blammed me.

You two are way younger and maybe he may see it, put it all on paper and if you can't handle that, then get a financial adviser in to do the talking so he sees it all from another person not you.

All you wanted was " a night" and all you got was tears.

I am so sorry sweet.

Let us know... how it goes... and get some sleep and think on this more tomorrow...

Take care..

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-16-2010, 01:11 AM

Its a great thing he has you sweetie, and I am sure he knows that one of you has to be the responsible one... just think if you spent like he does and NOBODY watched the bills you'd both be in bad shape. He knows that.

But .... sometimes you are going to be the bad guy, every night he goes to bed with a roof over his head, is able to flip on a light switch, use his phone, be able to drive his car... its because you were the bad guy. You need electricity to play a video game and while that may seem like an abstract concept to him while he isn't getting what he wants... I am sure when he mulls it over in his head later he knows you aren't being the bad guy.

Its got to be frustrating for you, but of all the problems I see come through this board... I've got to say yours sure does seem hopeful. I'd follow CW's advice and put a budget on paper. Show on one side how much is coming in... all his paychecks any other form of money coming in... then on the other column put all the must pay bills like rent, insurance , etc... then show how much is left. Then out of whats left show how much you expect to spend on food, gas, medicine, and then... see whats left of that... and that is what is for entertainment games dvds etc.

Once he can see what your talking about it might make him realize that a game he wants may take a few weeks, a couple months, of saving for... right now its all just vague. He has money now, wants a game now and isn't seeing the bigger picture.

Just wanted to add I'd give it some time before presenting him with this, let him cool off from this argument, let yourself cool off -- and don't present it to him like a report card he did bad on... instead do the budget on paper for yourself and let him see what you are doing and explain to him whats on it if he asks rather than wave a paper and say SEEEEE... that will make him feeling like a child, i'd imagine.. so the message needs to get across to him, but in a way that is respectful as well.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-16-2010, 08:15 AM

thanks yall! yalls advise is great & i will have to try it.
well last night, after i made the last post he texted me & asked me to go lay down with him so he can hug & hold me. so i did. he wanted to just lay there & hug, but i was still upset. i tried to keep my silence but i kinda sorta started crying again. he asked y & i tried to talk to him about it & once he realized it wasn't a simple answer, he said he didn't want to talk about it just hug. well that just upset me more cause i was ready to talk about it & he wanted to ignore it. so i started crying again, he wanted to then talk about it.

so we talked, i asked him if he knew y i was upset. he said because he bad with money. i told him that wasn't the reason my feelings were hurt. that i was hurt because he doesn't remember our previous talks about this & it's ok for him to buy new things but it's not ok for us to buy me new things. i explained it to him by reminding him that i have needed new sneakers for over a month now, i have mentioned it to him & but i still don't have new ones (my current ones have a big hole in the sole of them). & i don't mind putting my needs aside like that wen money is spread thin, but if we have a little extra cash i would like to try & get some new ones. consideration is i think what i'm trying to get at.

he just looked horribly sad & said that, he screws everything up & that he is a horrible hubby, just beating himself up. i told him to stop it, cause none of it's true. i told him that i was proud of him, that he has been good about not paying things late & nothing has been shut off since we moved here in august of 09. he said that's y he was confused because he had paid thing so they weren't late. he thought he was doing good. i explain that on that part he was doing very good! the aaron in the first year of our marriage would have waited till they shut things off & then paid them. so i was very proud, i told him i was sry as well because i shouldn't expect him to change overnight.

he seemed to understand at that point, that the reason my feelings were hurt wasn't because of him being bad with money but it was because he didn't think or consider me.
i just wanted him to understand how i felt & he got it. we didn't talk about the bank cause i felt like i got him to understand my feelings, i didn't need to confuse him again by talking about finances. he acted like i couldn't be upset about 2 things at once, so i just didn't think i should screw up the progress we made. plus i was extremely happy with the fact that he understood me & that made it better for me. i'll talk to him about the money tonight, lay it all out for him to read & understand.

so then he was upset, last night during my shower, i told him i had been really excited to be able to have sex with him for the first time in a month & but then i just didn't want to ne more because of wat was going on. so we r laying there & he says that he is upset cause he aways screws things up wen it comes to us having sex. i asked him to explain wat he meant. he had told me he was really looking forward to tonight as well & that he screwed it up, & some how he always screws it up. i told that wasn't true. that alot of the times wen i don't want to have sex it's not his fault. alotta things play into sex for me, i have to be mentally there. most of the time it's my family who some how always knows the rudest things to say that can hurt my feeling. if i have alot weighing on my mind, i'm not going to want to have sex. i'm not sure he completely accepted that but he understood. in situations like this he is really bad about blaming himself for everything & that isn't right.

he was still upset & i could tell so after 10 minutes of tell him that he shouldn't be afraid to tell me ne thing. finally he told me (btw, his ex girlfriend really jerked him around, cheated on him while he was in basic training, lied about it, claimed she raped him (she cries rape every time she breaks up with someone), took him for alot of money, & then told him she never loved him at all after over a year of being together & him proposing & her accepting). he said that he was worried that i was gonna get fed up with him & leave him. i told him that he would have to do alot more than this for me to leave him. he said u say that but i worry that u will. i told him that if that if that were true then i would have left him after all the debt started popping up. he was still worried that one day i would just give him divorce papers. i explained to him that i said i do wen we got married, not i don't. that wen they said for better or for worse, i meant it. that the worse part will happen, & that wen it does i'll b right there next to him. i don't take our vows lightly or like they were just words we said wen we got married.......i meant it.

i also explained to him that this felt like a really big bump in the road but it wasn't near enough to make me want to leave him. we have only had one big argument in our almost 3 years of marriage. so i told him of course he felt like it was big because wen u have only have one big argument, the small ones seem bigger than they r. i told him that i would b right by his side unless he cheated on me or hit me or verbally abused me. he said u say that now. so i jokingly told him, that wen we r old & gray & he is on his death bed that i would b next to him, lean in & softly whisper in his ear, "haha (edit) i told u i was here till the end!" he laughed. i think he got that i won't give up on him. i know that in the back of his head he might still worry (like i said she really screwed him up, but he trusted me that i won't).

we cuddled & laughed & one thing lead to another & well u get the picture of wat happened. afterward we had a wrestling match, haha silly i know but we love to do it even though one of us always gets hurt, it's still super fun. eventually we fell asleep.

as of right now i am satisfied with him understanding wat i was feeling. hopefully, he will b ok with me explaining the money to him tonight.

in some ways i am beating myself up today, cause wen i get my feelings hurt, the next day i always feel like i was oversensitive & that the whole misunderstanding was my fault. it's because i hate hate hate disagreements & tension.

**WildChild** · 01-16-2010, 08:15 AM

In the financial services world we used to say that money probably destroyed more marriages than anything else. Just as you got stressed and upset and no longer felt like being intimate - so do many others. They aren't always aware enough to recognise the cause.
I dealt with this with my first husband too. Actually there was some of it in my last marriage too since he was unemployed for over half the marriage, insisted on handling the finances, was on all kinds of meds and actually forgot to pay the bills entirely more than once. Then I would get the notices and take care of it and he would pitch a fit.

It seems to be a combination of things/ There is the, I work hard, I bring home a paycheck, I should have money to spend, thinking. There a sort of "child" mentality, that someone else will magically take care of things and as you've stated, there is an inabiltity to grasp what your situation really is. I used to do financial needs analysis for people, it was amazing, they would be in foreclosure, about to have the utilities shut off and would have a giant TV, all the toys, new cars, WT? They just didn't grasp that it was over.

Sitting down and creating a long term financial plan can really help. Start with each of you answering some questions - write them down.
If you could:
live anywhere - where would you be
have your dream home- what would it look like
drive any vehicle - what would it be
When do you want to retire (I know you are young - but the earlier you plan the less you have to save a month - it's a huge difference)
What kind of lifestyle do you want in retirement

Writing down this sort of thing helps you share your visions and long term goals.
Do you want to buy a house? Travel? Garden? What do you each want? What will it cost?

Reality checks: having clear short and long term goals helps you stay on track. But achieving these may mean that Both of you (that includes him) may have to back off on spending on things like hobbies.

Sort through your goals and find what are your shared ones? Being debt free? (servicing debt is expensive, interest can more than double what you eventually pay) Owning a home? Having a fully equiped shop for a hobby? What ever works for BOTH of you. Then you can have some personal goals. Understand that there has to be balance, the Shared goals cannot be onesided - all his stuff, for example.
What will it take to get there? What is your time frame?

Then you can get into where you are now.
You need to create a real expense sheet - account for everything. You can find these online, or in books. There are fixed expenses which are the same every month; debt payment (they may vary a little but they Have to be paid), rent or mortgage, insurance, utilities, and the like. There are variable expenes but still consistant every month; food and gas are two biggies. Then there are things like a car repair or medical expense, which cannot be specifically planned for but you know will happen sometimes. All this Has to be planned and budgeted for. Then and ONLY then do you look at allowing for things like games, movies, wheels, rims, not necessary clothing, hobbies and such. Yes these things are "sanity" issues but if you have to pare them to the bone for a while, then so be it.

Grown ups do what they have to do. They give up the toys for a while. The rims may hve been a great deal but when you can't pay ALL your bills and are paying only 2/3 of utilities - No rims. You are letting him stay in a child's world. I'm all for keeping a sense of wonder and joy, but grown ups deal with reality and that includes delayed gratification. My ex did this, we didn't have money for food but could afford to maintain dozens of fish tanks?

Get clear about your expenses- really clear. On paper, no sugar coating. Look at what your debt is costing and how long it will take to pay off. In general credit cards are set up to take 30 yrs to pay off if you pay the minimum. Take a hard look at where you can cut expenses, you may be surprised. Pack a lunch rather than buy, walk more, rent a movie for a dollar or two and make popcorn. Cook a nice meal, try out a new recipe together, rather than go out. Did you know you can buy games and DVDs in pawn shops for a couple of bucks? Make your own coffee, no Starbucks or Einsteins.

Forget the fancy stuff and get your transportation working so you can get some kind of employment. You can have a savings for fun jar. Set up something, everytime you cut costs in certain areas the jar gets 10 or 20%. When there is enough, you do something special.

A couple of books you might check out from the library (they have movies and games too) Suzie Orman's, Courage to be Rich or Road to Wealth, would be good. Understand that money is a tool. You have to use it to your advantange.

As far as paying off debt. Look at what costs you the most (highest interest and fees). But start with the smallest bill and find some way to put some extra on it every chance you can. When you pay it off, take the amount you had been paying for it and add it to the amount you pay for the next lowest bill. Doing this you should be able to pay off at least a couple of bills in the next year and free up enough to start making progress on something bigger. Keep doing this. DO NOT take paying off a bill as "freed" money to spend. It is more to work at freeing you from debt. Keep in mind that available balance on a credit card is NOT money - it's potential, additional debt. This system is essentially what some of the biggest players in finances set up heavily in debt clients to do. You can do it for yourself.

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-16-2010, 10:25 AM

ok b4 i talk about things u have said WC, i wanted to say i have figure so much out this morning that i did see last night.
aaron wrote me a pm on our car club forum last night while i was writing in this thread. he told me he was sooooo sry that he was trying, but he was confused.
at that point i realized that i was so concerned with getting him to understand me, that i didn't c that i wasn't understanding him. & that alot of this hurt feelings was my fault as well. i hate telling him no he can't have something or do something, to me it is as horrible as if i cheated on him (sounds silly i know, but i'm extremely hard on myself). he may be fine with the fact that he can't have something but i'm not that ok with it. so i hurt my own feelings. but at the same time i want him to immediately understand financing & money, i know that isn't gonna happen immediately. so i hate myself for saying no but at the same time i'm expecting him to get it right the first time & naturally he doesn't so then my feelings get hurt. i need to stop hating myself for enforcing money management. so for my feeling in this situation, it is on both of us, me just as much as him.
ok WC, here we go.
umm bare with me cause my answers will be sort of scramble as i will b going back in forth between my answers & ur post.
ok, we have no credit card (i do not believe in them, they only cause trouble) we only have cards from our banks.
i'm trying to make sure that he has money for his car so that it will b drivable again. he started a project. we had the money wen he started it but things came up & money got pulled away from the project on the car. which has left it undrivable until we have money to get it finished. once the car gets finished, i can get my car back & i can get a job. then we will have more money to work with. so it's hard to not give money into the car cause that's another step close to me being able to work. i have tried to find a job that works around his work schedule, but with him being in the military, his schedule doesn't stay the same & if he is late for work his ** is grass. i tried talking him into letting me ride the bus but he isn't comfortable with that (i can understand cause drugs r bad around here, most of the ppl around here r not exactly stable, & this county has one of the highest rate of identity theft in the united states). i have tried looking for a job in our neighborhood but no one has the money to shell out. i even tried selling fruits & nuts from the trees in our yard for a cheaper price than ne one else just to make a few bucks, i got a 2 bites but only one person bought something.
ummmm saving money, lets see......(sry thinking about all the things we r doing).....we decided from the get go that we weren't going to pay for cable. we have netflix for $8.99 a month & unlimited movie rentals. we watch well over 60 movies a month so it has been well worth the 8.99, it has saved us so much money. his dad pays for our cells seen he has a plan setup. we had a great food buying system, until i found out that i'm gluten & lactose intolerant. so now i have to buy more fresh produce & raw meats, cause 75% of the foods in the store have wheat as a filler in them. fresh produce is expensive. otherwise, it makes me sick if i don't eat right. lunches, i have packed his lunches since the day we got married. we rarely eat out, & i have learned how to make chickens & dumplings for 4 ppl with only 1 half chicken breast, among other recipes that i have learned to stretch. we eat alot of rice cause it is cheap & my hubby eats alot of noodles (i would if i could) cause they r cheap as well. wen we need stuff i check online first for second hand things that r cheaper than new. i trade clothes with friends wen we both need new clothes or if i buy them i by 2nd hand & never pay more than $3 or $5 per piece of clothes. we very rarely need new clothes though. i freeze left overs so they don't go to waste & we eat them on a later date. we have a year long contract with our internet company for a $20 cheaper rate than normal. if we r not in the room the light isn't on. we play board games that we have at home instead of going out. i know there is more we r doing but i can't think of it all. we r really stretching things for wat they r worth.
i plan to write all our bills out today & walk him through it. ask wat he wants to accomplish. also if we come up with a game plan, it will help me just as much as him. i become so stressed with paying things that i finally break & we have to have one of these talks like we did last night. so if we have a plan i can relax bit & he won't have to hear me get upset

**WildChild** · 01-16-2010, 11:22 AM

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and that's great! I'm still not clear why a project car which needs special rims and such is a priority. Why not just make sure you both have a drivable vehicle, no matter what it looks like, so you can both get where you need to be? And you can get re-employed in some manner?

Please Re-read this statement:

Originally posted by Airmans Sweetie

i hate telling him no he can't have something or do something, to me it is as horrible as if i cheated on him (sounds silly i know, but i'm extremely hard on myself). he may be fine with the fact that he can't have something but i'm not that ok with it. so i hurt my own feelings. but at the same time i want him to immediately understand financing & money, i know that isn't gonna happen immediately. so i hate myself for saying no but at the same time i'm expecting him to get it right the first time & naturally he doesn't so then my feelings get hurt. i need to stop hating myself for enforcing money management. so for my feeling in this situation, it is on both of us, me just as much as him.

This sounds like an over indulgent parent talking about a child.
Think about that?

**Airmans Sweetie** · 01-16-2010, 12:41 PM

Originally posted by WildChild

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and that's great! I'm still not clear why a project car which needs special rims and such is a priority. Why not just make sure you both have a drivable vehicle, no matter what it looks like, so you can both get where you need to be? And you can get re-employed in some manner?

Please Re-read this statement:

This sounds like an over indulgent parent talking about a child.
Think about that?

well he had tires but not rims, stock rims r just as much but usually more. so he got the rims he wanted & rims that he needs to b able to drive the car for the same or less than the price of steelies. hope that makes better since.....kinda hard to make it make sense. basically he needed rims to put the tires on & put the wheels on the car. it was a big project....BIG, he needs metal to finish welding the roof together & then a custom fit windshield & windows & it will b driveable. we r so close but so far away at the same time

yeah i know i spoil him. but i get so so so much joy from him being happy, his happiness is makes me happier than ne thing in this world. so wen i see him happy it makes me overjoyed. lately though i have been putting my foot down more & more. normally he just sets things down & i'm suppose to clean them up. but recently i have told him that i wasn't going to continue to do that if he didn't pull his weight around the house. he didn't do it at first, but after i told him how frustrating it was that i was a maid, he started helping more. i hear whining about it but ignore it & repeat that he needs to help & he does it. so i have to apply myself to the money situation like i have with him helping around the house. i just have to stop punishing myself & tell myself, it's ok 2 enforce money rules. wen i tell him no on things he is more upset for the moment but he gets over it by himself like 10 or so minutes later. he doesn't get mad but a very disappointed look on his face. that's wen i beat myself up, he is already over it & i sit on the couch angry at myself for enforcing. it's kinda of a screwy thing with me

Why am i the bad guy!

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