[caligirl71]

My daughter is 18 and has given us quite a few problems in the last couple years, 2 totalled cars, alot of rebellion on her part. Disrespectful etcc..
Recently we had to move out of state because of my hubbys job, and ouir daughter didnt want to come with. She decided to stay on her own go to school and work, live with friends.. Well two months later she wrecked her car and just came back home yesterday. She was supposed to be paying for her own insurance, but we were still being billed etc..

We had to buy her a plane ticket here, and find a way to get all her belongings up here as well.

My husband is furious with her. But since she has been home, he doesnt speak to her, he is rude to her etc..

He brought her stuff home today because a trucking company got it her stuff up here way cheaper than it would of been to ship it all. There was a pallet of all her stuff shrinkwrapped on the bed of his truck, and says go get it to her. Im not helping her at all, she can bring her own in!!

Needless to say, Im hurt by his hurtful and harsh attitude. I tell him this and he doesnt give a !!!

I love our daughter unconditionally, are we not supposed to as parents. SHe is only 18 and still growing up. Why does he have to be so hateful towards her especially when he knows it hurts me so much.

Please I need some advice

Thanks

[sourpuss]

She's getting a free ride and being disrespectful and irresponsible. I don't blame him for making her unpack her things without anyone's help.
Coddling her because 'you love her unconditionally' isn't doing her any favors. Sometimes teaching your kid to be a grown up is the way you have to love them as well.

[caligirl71]

Doesnt mean he has to be so heartless about it, and not talk to her etc..
He is holding things against her and that isnt being a parent at all.
He should understand as much trouble he gave his parents and then never treated him this way.. I totally disagree

[Hopeless Dork]

I was a reckless teenager, with problems. I totalled cars (3 of them) I moved out and in so many times... I had problems. Problems that got worse and worse, drugs, sex with much older men, I wouldn't keep a job, I quit school.... I broke my parents hearts too many times to count.

I think I wanted to do that. I was mad at them. And I took my anger with them out on myself. They had no idea I was hurting. I never told them. They never asked.

I think it might be beneficial to try communicating with your daughter and try to get to the heart of whats causing her to live so recklessly. Tough love, permissive love, all the love in the world won't make her get it together until she understands why she is creating chaos in the first place.

Your husband is probably feeling to blame for her actions, like he must have messed up raising her for her to be this way. His reactions won't help her. They will push her further away. Her coming to you for help is a good thing... a young girl can be used in horrible ways when they need help and have no one to turn to for it. She turned to you guys, she is safe, she's not becoming indebted to someone out to harm her etc.

He needs more time, she needs some communication and you are unfortunately put in this role of referee. I know this must make your heart ache as you love them both. He will undoubtably come around eventually - his paternal instinct to love her is still there, he's just mad.

I wish you luck in trying to make peace in your home, these things have a way of working themselves out... but I do hope you can talk to your daughter and see if she will open up to you or even to herself about whats causing her to behave like that.

[Guest]

i understand exactly how he is reacting. it may a bit of an over reaction, but how he is feeling isnt without good cause. if she showed any remorse at all he might act differently.

unfortunately, it seems like she doesnt understand the consequences of her actions in any regards. she needs to learn that sooner rather than later.

the one thing YOU need to make sure of, is that you dont enable her behavior or contradict your husbands actions in front of her, or with her. all that will end up doing is give her the idea that she can play you off against each other.

[sallyskellington]

Listen I was a punk teen. She will grow out of it. I finally did around 21 or 22. I don't blame your husband for making her unpack her things she needs to learn there are consiquences to things. Now I think the 3 of you need to go out somewhere to eat and talk where there can be no yelling. Now you and your husband have to go in on an even and agreed front when you 3 go. Now you and your husband have to remember you will be talking to an 18yr old, and while she is legally and adult her brain still does not comprehend things and rationalize them on a full adult level. He does need to quit his attitude though it isn't gonna help any.