[mookie95]

My due date is in a week and labor is imminent. I just found out two days ago that my husband cheated, most recently last week. At this point, I'm just trying to get through the next week and stay strong for the sake of my unborn baby, but I would like opinions about whether to allow him to take part in the birth or not. At this point, I can't even look at him. And for those who have children, you know giving birth is the most vulnerable state a woman can be in. I can't imagine him being that person that supports me during that time. A time where I experience the most pain of my life and possibly get sick and poo myself. But then I have to do it alone and that scares me. I know this isn't a situation many people can even put themselves in to offer their opinion or advice and of course longer term I know there's lots of steps to take and things to figure out but really, I just need to focus on this one thing in front of me that can happen any day. I'd really like to know what other women would do. Would you allow your husband there? Or would you just go it alone.
Thanks.

[Guest]

oh i am so sorry that he was so insensitive to do this to you, especially just before giving birth.

I understand you completely not wanting him to be there for the delivery, but you also have to consider what effect it will have if you keep him out.

I would be very torn too. but looking at it logically, he is still the father of the child, and if you keep him out he may resent you forever and who knows if it would lead to more infidelity or an eventual split in the marriage. I'm not saying those things might not happen anyway.

I guess i'd have to look at it in the view of what would be the "right thing for the baby", regardless of how it effects you or your husband, and decide based on that.

[Mes T]

First off congrats on your wonderful bundle-of-joy-to-be.

In that situation, no, I would not have my husband with me! Unless you could work it out in the next week... I see no reason for someone who causes you pain to be there!

Do you have family or friends who could be with you instead?

[Hopeless Dork]

You have to put you and your baby first right now and that means putting the cheating OUT of your brain for the time being, in my opinion. I know you are hurting right now, so you have mixed blessing before you -- but don't let his indiscression take away from the joy of whats to come.

If having him in the room is going to upset you, its not where he should be... you don't need the stress. Do you have your mom/dad/ sister/ brother/ best friend/ cousin/ anyone that could come in and be a coach ... along side him if you decide to let him in the room... or on their own if you decide not to?

If you think that you could mentally put it out of your head on a we'll deal with this later and try to forget it for the time being ... it would do you best, honest. You are just too close to labor to be sorting out major relationship issues. Oh I fully expect you to pick it back up again when you are safely home, healthy... and well-rested... then you can decide how you want to handle his affair.

But for now, If I were you, I'd pretend it didn't happen (that might not be the healthiest thing emotionally in the long run... etc.. im no psychiatrist) but if it were me, I'd choose to ignore it, and act as though I had not heard until after being fully recovered.

Its just too much to deal with at once. If you can put it out of your mind for now, and want him there, have him there, its his child too... let him support you through it... but NOT if it adds to your stress, only if it provides comfort.

[caterpillar79]

HD made a great point. You said you cannot even look at him. So, if his presence gives you discomfort, don't let him in the room. Share the experience with your mom, dad, siblings. If you are OK with your in-laws, let them as well. It is your husband who has wronged you, not them (I know you didn't ask, but it just occurred to me).

Prioritize your well-being and your child's. If you can toss this issue aside "just for now", let your husband take part, and let him experience the joy of being a father. This may even make a difference and he'll come to his senses.

In my "previous life", I'd pretend nothing happened and accept him, and recover before I let "it" out and sort it with him. But now, I have changed. I would tell him right after I learned about his infidelity to get out of my life and our child's. He is not worthy, and that I shall raise my child on my own. He has to suffer the consequences. He hurt you, why would you even think about his feelings? He didn't think about that when he cheated!

But that is the (new) me. I might do that in a real situation or might not - who knows. But just thinking about it, and putting myself in your shoes makes me shake with anger.

Take care of yourself and your baby. Listen to your heart. You are stronger than you think you are. This is the moment when a mother goes on her protective mode and is ready to devour anything that posesto harm her baby. Tap on that, and you'll know what to do.

[mookie95]

Thank you so much to all those who responded. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and to your thoughtful advice. I do have family who could in a pinch be there with me. My mother isn't exactly a calming energy in my life so it would be my sister, who I've also never been extremely close to. However, my main concern with bringing others in is that I'd have to tell them what happened and I'm not sure that is something I can or should do. If we are able to stay together through counseling and a lot of work, I can't imagine my family ever forgiving him. We live close enough that family gatherings are quite often. I don't think it would help our future knowing that they wanted to tear his head off any time they saw him. Wouldn't be healthy for us or our kids. I don't mean to protect him but I want to leave open the possibility of building a healthier relationship down the road.

But as others mentioned, it is very hard to just suppress the hurt I'm feeling and have this person who tore my heart out be there to be my partner during the labor. BUT, he is the father and wants desperately to see this child born. I don't know if it matters but his reaction has been complete and utter shame, guilt, disgust. Of course, I don't believe or trust any of it at this point and only time will tell if his actions support his words. But at least he hasn't thrown at me a barrage of excuses or justifications which I know some men might do to rationalize the affair. But I do believe he lost all rights to me or seeing the birth of our child when he chose to betray his family in this way. Now it's just whether I'm forgiving enough in the moment to allow him to experience it.

Again, thank you for providing me with support and some guidance and strength. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, even my closest friends, so reaching out to a camraderie of strangers and receiving your words of wisdom and caring really does help so much.

[WildChild]

If you see any hope of saving your marriage I would have him there.

[Guest]

. . .

But I do believe he lost all rights to me or seeing the birth of our child when he chose to betray his family in this way.

. . .

I agree he has lost the right to have your trust. I disagree about losing the right to see his child, especially at such a crucial moment in his/her life.

Dont stoop to his level.

[sourpuss]

I agree with sperosi. Don't use witnessing the birth of his own child and a punishment/bargaining tool! I know this must be incredibly hard for you, I can't even imagine how I would feel. But please take comfort in being the one who is more mature and civil in this situation. Barring him from being in the room, if he does in fact want to be there, I think would be the end of ever working anything out. And I can imagine it would be the source of a lot of resentment and something that would be brought up and thrown in your face forever.

[Explorer44]

I don't think you need the drama of trying to keep him out of the delivery room..and I'm not sure you can, since he's the dad and your husband...


I would not deal with this until you have had a chance to have the baby and recover somewhat. He may really be there for you and the two of you can make decisions after that. He knows he messed up, so let him deal with what he's done.