[Guest]

When I was very young, I dated a boy for a few years. At the end, he started hitting me. I was barely in high school. I don't know how I found the courage to stay away from him, but he finally started leaving me alone. Because of this, I know all the tell tale signs of PHYSICAL abuse. However, my question is: What determines emotional abuse? Is this the same as domestic abuse - lacking the physical contact? I have read all the posts on domestic abuse and unfortunately, it sounds familiar. my best friend has told me for a while that my boyfriend is selfish and abusive and shouldn't talk to me the way he does. When it's good... it's really good. But when it's bad, I don't feel humane. I feel torn ALL the time. When we got together, I just knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But now that he's talking about it, I feel reserved. Is it possible that men could be emotionally abusive and not realize it or not mean to be that way?

[kaylar]

Emotional Abuse is the 'On Your Mark!" of the "Get Set!" "Go!" Trifecta.

Emotional Abuse is the water testing for full blown domestic violence.

Signs:

1) Does he make you cry?
2) Does he say hurtful things in smiling playful ways?
3) Is he a spoiler?
4) Does he always have an insult for your friends, your
family, when they aren't there?
5) Does he make you feel bad about yourself?

------
To emphasise I'm using composites. Dee and Mac.
---------
(1)
Lying in bed, just after sex; "You know I love your sister?"

In answer to the question "Do you love me?"
"No, but I love."

When Dee asks Mac to come with her to some function:
"You're trying to cage me."

Out of a clear blue sky;

"Your parents really did a job on you, huh?"
---------
(2)

Big smile as they are walking into the party he says;

"You know, you're really ugly but hide it well."

"Don't say anything, dear, don't make people
know what a fool you are."

Laughingly, he regales the group with all the
'wrong' things you did, flashing you a patronising
smile.

In bed, giggling..."You're going to be a big fat pig...
aren't you?"
-------
(3)

You're so excited about going to...
and he says;

"Don't get so hippity hoppity, it's no biggie."

"Stop making people know you've never been to such
a fancy place before..."

"You would enjoy such an insipid movie."

"Ahhh...another boring evening with your double digit
friends..."
----
(4)

You're dressed and ready to go...

"Honey, you are going to the circus, not being in the circus."

"Take that off, it makes you look even more malformed than
usual."

"I'm not going to be seen with you dressed like that."

"I was so embarrassed by you..."
-----------------

All these little digs taken together make you feel
small about your self...

[Guest]

Because we do not live together, most of our arguing is done over the phone. However... in answer to your questions.
1. YES - a good portion of the time
2. YES - he does say hurtful demeaning things. I call them daggers.
3. YES - he buys me all sorts of things. I try to joke with him about how is trying to buy me and I can't be bought. He says that isn't what he's doing, but will then throw it in my face later on all the things he does for me.
4. NO - but he has led me to believe that neither my family or friends have good enough advice for me and that he is the only person TRULY looking out for MY best interest. I haven't believed him thus far.
5. YES - more often than not he leads me to believe that I'm ignorant. Nevermind that I graduated the top 20% of my class (out of 365). I know that I'm not, but it makes me question it anyway.

I've asked someone in his family if his ex wife ever complained of such things and she said never. Although she disagrees with so many of the things he says/does to hurt me. My boyfriend has told me in the past that his ex used to treat him like this. Can a grown man really adapt to such behavior? I've tried to point out to him certain things he does to make me feel bad. He just gets upset and tells me... "I don't know why I put up with this Sh*t".

On the flip side of all of this, when we are having "good times", he's not controlling about my time, my whereabouts, etc. We have had more than a few arguments about how I parent my children though. It gets really old, really fast. But I'm still here. I still continue to love him whole heartedly despite the bad things we share. He does not bad mouth my image AT ALL. However, the past few months I have noticed his is increasingly wanting to have sex all the time and seeming almost jealous or in competition with my kids.

[kaylar]

This is one of those relationships that always get worse.
And unless you know the ex personally, no one can tell
you how he behaved with her.

I can tell you of a case where the wife (Dee) left the
husband (Mac) in the middle of the night to escape his
abuse. He met another woman, Trini, told her all sorts
of stories about Dee which made him such a tragic
figure, and she married him.

He was an American citizen she was from Trinidad, she
wanted to be a citizen in America.

At first he didn't want to leave T'dad, because he knew
that as long as he stayed there, she would be running
after the carrot on the stick...'american citizenship!'

Finally they went up to America where he got to beat
the crap out of her.

After five kids she met someone who knew wife one.

(friend tells the story)

"She had Dee, as the worst person in the world. Dee
has been my friend for twelve years. Everything
Mac had said about Dee was a lie. And I could prove it."

"As I told her about Dee she had this look on her face,
because despite everything, she had actually believed
every lie Mac had told her."

"I explained why they broke up. Everyone knew the
story, except Trini. And the pieces fit, because I
wasn't lying, and the evidence was there, because
she had lived with Mac for as long as I knew Dee."

"She got her citizenship, and moved out, taking
everything in the divorce settlement."

So don't let anyone tell you a story.
Until you know Wife One or her best friend, you
don't know why the marriage broke up.

Further, you are a victim of emotional abuse.
This moves quickly into intellectual abuse,
segregation of you from your friends, spiritual
abuse, verbal abuse, and then physical.

[Guest]

All of this started when I got pregnant with our son and didn't quit smoking FOR GOOD. I cut way back and knew it wasn't good for the baby, but this is my hardest, worst weakness. To this day, I have made GREAT improvements with it - down to one or two in a week. He hates it, we fight about it all the time and when I'm honest with him about it, he has just as negative as a response, so I've learned to lie to him about it in the hopes that I can hide it. It generally doesn't work. He has centered our relationship around this single issue and when I fail, the relationship fails. He faults me and then starts in on me. He has a very distinct jeckel/hyde personality. I am in the process of buying a house. I close on the 5th of March. Everything inside of me told me not to ask him for any monetary help in all of this and I should have listened. Here I am, short $1000 and he broke it off with me TODAY. I felt it coming for a while now though. We've been fighting a lot - mostly about me buying this house. (but that's another story). I hung up on him today when he started talking to me like I was an ignorant child. He's already called acting 1/2 way nice again. I've told him before that his tug of war games are hardening my heart. He doesn't listen. And ultimately, I guess he doesn't have to. I've always let him back into my life.

[kaylar]

Don't take him back.

This 'no smoking' thing has nothing to do with smoking,
it has to do with control. If you didn't smoke it could
be wearing lipstick or dying your hair, or polishing your
finger nails or riding bicycle...

The point is control.

I can think of a case that a husband refused to let
his wife leave the table to use the bathroom...not
joking.

Break up with him forever...
buy your house...
be happy...

[Guest]

He had the audacity to tell me in words this weekend that if I had told him a long time ago that I couldn't or wouldn't quit smoking, he wouldn't still be here! Wow! I knew this was an issue, but I had no idea how superficial his side of this relationship really was. I do now! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'll need all the support I can get.

[kaylar]

Looking for an excuse


Many men look for excuses.
You could have been smoking when he first
saw you. Smoked during the dating, smoked
on the honeymoon...
it's just one of those 'i can't stand the sight
of her, I need a reason.'

Usually when a guy is having an affair, everything
his wife does annoys him. If she sits a certain way,
if she laughs a certain way, if she ...(you get the
idea).

[x.st.angel.x]

Thread is 3 years old. Please start a new thread

Closed.

[Hopeless Dork]

Moved the most recent posting to its own thread which can be found here:

https://www.womens-health.com/boards/husband-fiance/30699-what-am-i-going-do-when-never-my-fault.html