[Guest]

Ok this is going to be long. Last year I was pregnant and had a miscarriage, I was really sad about it. My husband and his family thought that I should get over it and be thankful I have my daughter. Its not that I wasn't glad I had her. Anyway I caught my husband talking(edit) about me to his sister on Facebook. I had thought we had a good relationship, but then she told my husband that if I couldn't get out of my slump (about the baby...it had been two weeks by the way) than he needed to leave me. I got mad and we fought. We eventually talked about our feelings toward more kids and the miscarriage. Oh yeah I have a heart condition that played a role in my ability to have kids. Anyway a cousin of his, that was nice to me and even danced with me at our wedding, emailed me on my My Space page saying that he was deleting me because I always had depressing things and bad moods on my posts. In the last few months before this (I looked at my history) I had posted two bad moods one around the time I had the miscarriage and one when I had a kidney infection. He called me a bunch of bad names and when I showed my husband saying I was confused he said he'd talk to him. Apparently they talked and he said he was sorry but he would not add me back. Then when Christmas came, we went to his families thing this year, they all ignored me...asked me not to take pictures of their family...and one cousin even screamed at the top of her lungs that I was being stupid all because I preferred to sit on the floor and let and older member take my seat. When they thought I was gone I heard them talking about me to my husbands sister, and when they saw I wasn't gone they just looked guilty. My problem is I don't know what to do about this relationship it is tearing me and my husband apart. Plus the cousin that deleted me from his friends list on myspace (which I told him was his choice and while I hoped he'd change his mind was still up to him.) is getting married this weekend. I want to support my husband but then I don't feel that exposing myself to people who talk about me is a good thing. Should I go with him or should I just stay home? It is so complicated because there are other things that are happening too. How do you support you sposes relationship with his/her family when they obviously dislike you?

[stressed]

First of all, all these family members suddenly turn against you and I am sure it is not because of what they saw at My Space or Facebook, but because of what they have been told by your husband (for example, what you found on Facebook). He must have told them a lot more than what you have found, so of course now they have turned against you (whether he meant what he said or not). Unfortunately, this is very easy to happen and is the reason why couples should keep their arguments to themselves and not spread them to their family members.

With that said, and assuming your husband is the one to blame the most for talking to them about you in this way, he is the one who must do the most work. He has to start telling them that you went through a phase, that he regrets what he said and that you are his wife and they must respect you as much as they respect him. His family is hostile towards you because of him but he is also the only one who can change their attitude towards you. Have you asked them what's wrong? Has your husband really talked to them or was it only a "don't worry, I'll deal with it" but instead he's too embarrassed to tell them that he made a mistake by talking bad about you? You are supposed to be a part of their family too and they better explain themselves.

[Guest]

Thank you for the response. Yes I have talked to his sister, see his sister was also pregnant at the time in fact we were due days apart. In October she had a beautiful baby boy. Some how, and I am not sure how, she made my miscarriage about her. When she turned the whole family did. I have since talked to her about it and she claims she doesn't remember anything that he has said or anything that she has said. I feel that I am in a twisted twilight zone, I just don't know if I should continue to support his family and his relationship or if I should be an absent member from now on.

[stressed]

The problem is that if you let this go on then it will always be like that and it will affect the relationship with your husband and your daughter. I've seen this happening many times over less, the families of my parents' didn't like each other even after 40+ years of my parents being together. There were always arguments over family members and they still argue even if their parents are dead.

I don't know if your problem started only because of the miscarriage or if they never really liked you (women always find it harder to 'fit in' the husbands' family, as men tend to be more spoiled by their family and they always expect their son to marry a 'perfect' woman). If it is the miscarriage then it should fade away with work from both you and your husband. Try to visit them more, be open to them and ask them to be open back, and most importantly, ask your husband to talk about you to them as nice as possible.

My fiance's family loves me mainly because my fiance 'brags' to them a lot about me, even about silly things, he likes telling them how nice I am, how much I do for him etc. I don't see them much and yet I can tell they believe that I "take care of their son". It's what's important to them to like us: to show that we look after their son/brother/cousin and that he loves us a lot. Because if they know that he's happy then they'll be happy too. But if they hear that we mistreat them then they won't approve. You haven't done any wrong to them and it is understandable that you were in a bad mood due the miscarriage. But your husband must understand that it's basically up to him to change the image they have of you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Could the pregnancy hormones have affected both of you?

She may have made an error and gone off, which only she can change.

But, if your down and out alot, it does reflect on other people, and it's their choice whether they want negativity in their life.

The problem is most people don't have an understanding, a miscarriage and especially when your sister in law was pregnant at the same time and had as you quote a "beautiful boy", can really depress you.

I wonder if really, deep inside, your hurting more than your telling us...

What was the relationship like with your family including your sister in law before all of this sadness occured?

CW

[WildChild]

I am so sorry you've had to deal with a miscarriage. It is a painful and difficult loss. I am at a complete loss as to how an entire family could be so unfeeling, uncaring and unsympathetic.