[pennerosa]

Feeling like i have a wall around my heart!! Married for 19 years, two wonderful children 18 and 16. Dated my husband since 14 years of age and married 5 years later.( seemed like the thing to do) . Have had many rocky years over the past, left him a few times for short periods lasting only up to 4 days. Now we have been separated for 3 weeks. My husband was always grumping about something, very hard on the kids to where i felt it was verbal abuse, has led to some physical abuse to my son which happened just over a year ago which i know that was my biggest turning point , lost alot of respect for him. 4 years ago when we did split up i did have an affair on him, i reconized why i got to that point with the grumping , complaining and controlling behaviors, needless to say we did get back together then and i did tell him about the affair ..he said he forgave me but there were times he would bring it up..which i dont blame him for at all... he also at that time realized too why i got to that point. Now the last 4 years we have been ..i guess kinda happy..he thought we were ok..he went back to his old self of complaining and i felt the kids and i were always walking on eggshells. i would hide things from him that the kids did..just to avoid and outburst. Now after we have split..he has totally changed, going to church, counsilling( we both have our own) But the way i feel is like there is a big wall around my heart...as though i have no emotions towards him or our marriage. Feel guilty for not feeling anything?? Has anyone else had this..does it come back ??? Am i cruel??? Help please

[GlitterAndStuds]

I'm only 24 and have never been married, so I can't say that I've exactly been in this situation. But it's good that your husband is going to church and counselling...by his choice? If so, then I do commend him for making the effort to fix things.

Have you considered going to counselling yourself, or are you already? Maybe venting and sorting through everything will help you figure things out. It could either help you realize it's not meant to be, or it could help you break through those walls and want to fix things with him. It's a marriage, so it IS a team effort.

[LanaBear]

Personally, protect you and your kids. The first sign of physical abuse to one of my children, my knee would be attached to his groin and we'd be out the door. I'm not opposed to spanking, but at 16 and 18, it's no longer 'discipline'.

IF you feel this marriage is salvageable, I'd suggest marriage counseling on top of individual counseling. It is a partnership and you do have to brave the rough waters together. Going to counseling as a couple so that a third party can lend an ear would be a big step.

[pennerosa]

Yes i have gone to some councilling ..but came up with the same answers...would i really being going back for the "Right" reasons. I know we probally should go to councelling together but im just not ready for that yet. Thanks for the input.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Years of verbal abuse, physical abuse that you sighted against your son, walking on egg shells.. It comes to a point where we go "numb". The love we may have had, just disappears from distaste, disgust. It's gone.

You should never go back, if you "don't" have love. No matter that he's changed, it's 3 weeks.. It could be for the purpose of getting you back and then he goes back to his ways.

You go back because you love him dearly. If not.. You continue on your path that your on.

If it's meant to be, it will happen later, when he really has shown change, and consistency. You can "date" for instance, and take it slow all over again, like you did when you met...

There's no rush..

Make your decision of your "honest" feelings for him, if they are the same answers. Then that's how you feel don't go back for him.

If your confused, ask for "dating"... here and there, very slowly and decide along the way how you feel.

The way I see it, 3 weeks is not long to "change" if you can "change".

CW

[pennerosa]

Thanks Chandler...Thats kinda the advice i have been given..time time and time. I just feel so bad because he is giving 110 percent into saving our marriage..and i dont feel like im giving any. Numb is totally the right word here! My kids are awsome and getting along better than they ever have with their dad..which is wonderful to see, as long as it lasts. All they say to me is you do what makes you happy! Very thankful for them!!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Children can see more than we can... They have more insight i think.

Be thankful and if the advice is consistant with those you know and us you don't know then the advice has to have some substance huh

Best wishes, would you mind keeping us informed?

CW

[pennerosa]

Hi there, sorry i havent posted in a while. It now has been about 7 weeks since our seperation. Not much has changed other than the fact that i am totally seeing things now from the outside. For instance...this "changing " he is doing is ok as long as he is doing it for himself, but he has been texting me for hope! Which i was very clear to him on how i felt and how i didnt want to give him false hope. He almost seemed as tho he was trying to tell me to feel something that i just dont! I seen it as a manipulation tool. Pretty hard not to when thats how its been for so many years. Now i have told him ..we are done, now he is angry! Saying that its me that doesnt want this family to work, its me thats not trying, its me its me...which i do see as one of his tools as well but sure puts the guilt on a person. Struggling with ...am I or did I make the right choice, altho i dont feel any different about him other than i am getting angrier with his comments, preaching to me and basically trying to "control" me once again. Advice please!!!

[Hopeless Dork]

One thing people that take a significant other for granted don't realize its that just because a person puts up with , tolerates, being mistreated... doesn't mean they always will.

Right now, all he see's is that you don't feel what you used to... he can't see all the years he spent building those walls around your heart that he can't penetrate...he built them... they have his name all over them.

He may be sorry now, and you may forgive him... but that doesn't mean a magic wand can be waved to make you feel how you once did.

Its a consequence of treating people badly that one day they may say 'enough'... and they may come back, as you did in the past... and come back and come back ... but little by little your feelings have been worn down and now theres nothing left.

When someone hurts you they create a wound, time does heal it... but the scar remains.. every time they hurt you again that same wound re opens... it may heal again.. but much slower, not as easily as the first time... but more and more damage done to the same wounds and eventually theres just nothing left to heal.

This may be a case of too little too late and a tragic life lesson for him... but better late than ever. You can believe him that he's become a better man, you can be happy for him that he has, but that doesn't mean you want to be back with him.

People change, especially when they have been pushed to the brink over and over again... you didn't wake up one day not loving him anymore -- its been a process.

[MissMeSha810]

Sounds Good?

Hey sweets. It's sounds as if he is trying to change, and thats a good thing for him to do...FOR HIMSELF as you said. Once you get that NUMB feeling, its hard to try to come back from that. Don't feel at fault because your mind and body know when it's time to move on with your life. Years of abuse, verbal, physical, mental, can all lead you to a place deep inside yourself where you don't want to be. Trust from experience. There is something better and greater out there for you. Stay strong in whatever your choice may be.