[stressed]

I can get why its got you fuming. I'd go from zero to 100 in 2 seconds flat uncovering something like that...

However. If you know that you are not going to break up with him because he lied to you last year and has been trustworthy since... bringing it up is only going to cause a fight, ruin your day... lead to days of hurt and arguments and accusations just to bring you right back to where you were before you looked.

If you have it in you to let it go, let it go.

That's true, and that's why I'm considering it. But I just know myself, if I keep it is going to eat me up every day until he asks me "what's wrong". Also, if I bring it up now, he might remember that place and want to check it while I'm away. On the other hand, he might check it anyway while I'm away, since he doesn't know that I know when he logged on the last time...

Argh, I hate such things.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm giving you the advice I wish i'd listen to myself sometimes but rarely do. Like you if something is heavy on my heart... I can't walk around acting like everythings fine. I give myself the same argument as above... that I'm just temporarily upset... I'll get over it, why bother with the fighting, the crying... but then I just keep thinking about it til my blood boils and I blurt it out in tears what was upsetting to me.

Then, just as predicted, we fight, re--evaluate or relationship, I realize that I love him more than whatever upset me (as I knew I would before the fight) and realize we just wasted a few days being hurt that we could have spent loving each other.

But God Help me I can't not do that. But you know what? My boyfriend says that he'd rather I tell him when I'm hurt than to pretend I'm not when I am.

But when I see your situation I want to say, let it go, you know you will eventually so don't put yourself through it.

[stressed]

I'm giving you the advice I wish i'd listen to myself sometimes but rarely do. Like you if something is heavy on my heart... I can't walk around acting like everythings fine. I give myself the same argument as above... that I'm just temporarily upset... I'll get over it, why bother with the fighting, the crying... but then I just keep thinking about it til my blood boils and I blurt it out in tears what was upsetting to me.

Then, just as predicted, we fight, re--evaluate or relationship, I realize that I love him more than whatever upset me (as I knew I would before the fight) and realize we just wasted a few days being hurt that we could have spent loving each other.

But God Help me I can't not do that. But you know what? My boyfriend says that he'd rather I tell him when I'm hurt than to pretend I'm not when I am.

But when I see your situation I want to say, let it go, you know you will eventually so don't put yourself through it.

I know, it's exactly like that. And the worse is that things have been great between us lately, we never argue when we used to every couple of weeks. If I bring this up now it will be like we'll ruin all that again.

But it will be there in the back of my head, every day, until I get an answer. I rather deal with something and then move on instead of being quiet to avoid an argument. I just never thought he'd go back there a month after him almost losing me and after I read him say that he was with me only because he couldn't be with her.

I sent that girl an email, asking if they talked that day (she hasn't lied to me so far as it was only him being interested in her and she never was in him). A lot will depend on her answer. Stupid, I know, but I don't like being left in the dark.

[stressed]

And you know what... why should I be the one trying to avoid the argument when he was the one lying and sneaking? He should have thought of it when he did it.

I will try to tell him in a nice way one of these days, if he wants to turn it into an argument I won't bite as it's not an argument I'm after. I deserve honesty from the person I live with...

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm terrible at hiding the fact my feelings are hurt anyway. I get quiet, and I'm normally a big ball of energy. I dote on him constantly , but when I am hurt or upset, obviously, I don't. I keep a physical distance, and have trouble looking him in the eyes.

I think that last part , not looking at him in the eyes, comes from as soon as I do that -- I can't be mad at him anymore. There is something in them that conveys so much love and trust and when I look into them everything else fades away. So when I am upset I am always looking down or over his shoulder :P

[stressed]

I'm terrible at hiding the fact my feelings are hurt anyway. I get quiet, and I'm normally a big ball of energy. I dote on him constantly , but when I am hurt or upset, obviously, I don't. I keep a physical distance, and have trouble looking him in the eyes.

I think that last part , not looking at him in the eyes, comes from as soon as I do that -- I can't be mad at him anymore. There is something in them that conveys so much love and trust and when I look into them everything else fades away. So when I am upset I am always looking down or over his shoulder :P

haha! I do the same... just want to remain angry at him until he asks, I tell him, he gets upset even if he promises not to... and of course it's always my fault, regardless the reason.

[rcoreyus]

I think goal in a relationship is not to "win", and not even to be "fair". The goal should be for you both to be happy. If you confront him, he admits it, you get angry, he gets defensive - what has been gained. You will have won "points" - but to what end. You don't want the sort of relationship where he does things because he "owes" you. You want him to do things for you because he loves you.

And you know what... why should I be the one trying to avoid the argument when he was the one lying and sneaking? He should have thought of it when he did it.

I will try to tell him in a nice way one of these days, if he wants to turn it into an argument I won't bite as it's not an argument I'm after. I deserve honesty from the person I live with...

[sourpuss]

It sounds like you have more than one reason to rethink being in this relationship at all.

[stressed]

I think goal in a relationship is not to "win", and not even to be "fair". The goal should be for you both to be happy. If you confront him, he admits it, you get angry, he gets defensive - what has been gained. You will have won "points" - but to what end. You don't want the sort of relationship where he does things because he "owes" you. You want him to do things for you because he loves you.

I liked your post a lot. It's very wise and puts feelings aside, as it must be done some times for the sake of both (something which I tend to forget). At first I felt like I had to tell him because he lied to me, or whether or not he wanted to talk to that girl behind my back. It's really hard to ignore this, especially if he talked with her, but I guess I must ask myself "does it matter now?" "and if he did and admits it, what would this achieve? it would only prove that he lied to me a year ago, I found out, well done, now what"...
I'm the kind of person who would even forgive cheating, under special circumstances and only if the other clearly regrets it. I have forgiven cheating (with an ex). I just want things to be told right in my face, so I won't have to wonder how and why this or that happened.
But you are right, the goal is not for me to gain even more points against him, but for us to be happy. And he has done a lot of work this past year to make up for all his lies and mistakes, I recognize that. If he does it again after all this time... then it will only be my fault for staying with him, not his.
Thank you for this answer. You basically said the same as the previous posters did (which I also thank a lot) but I think your choice of words in the lines: "goal in a relationship is not to "win", and not even to be "fair". The goal should be for you both to be happy" hit the spot for me.

It sounds like you have more than one reason to rethink being in this relationship at all.

I nearly broke up with him last December when we were abroad for the holidays. There were so many things troubling me that I almost blew up. From everyday things to trust issues. I had a serious talk with him explaining that if we are to come back and be the same then he's going to return home without me. That we either improve our issues drastically or we end it right now, as otherwise we waste time. I know it's only been 2 months since that, but I do feel different and he has changed a lot. We've both improved a lot without even making an effort to do so, it just happened.

It has just required a lot of energy and strength from my side for years to bring this relationship to the point it is today, and now that I found he lied a year ago it just hit me again. But I'm going to let it go, or at least not bring it up unless it comes up in a discussion or argument, but I won't do it to "gain points". At the moment, we have more years of unhappiness than happiness together, but at least it is getting better. However, if he does anything like that from now on he's done for me, as I won't be able to rebuild my trust for the X'th time. I just hope he won't disappoint me again in the same way.

[sourpuss]

Just think how great it would be if you were putting that effort and care into a relationship that had happiness and positivity. That's all I'm saying. It just sounds like there's more bad than good and it's almost like you're hanging on to prove to yourself that you can turn it around. I've been there and I can say it's not worth it.