[Numbtothepain]

So where to begin.. We've been married for 19 yrs this years..together for 21. Yes, so young when we started. 4 kids (almost all older teens now). I was the woman who said "I would NEVER stay, would never put up with a man who cheats". First time I can remember..I was pregnant with my son (17 yrs ago) and my husband cheated. "Just sex, didnt mean anything..I love you..I want to be with you". The pain. To this day, cant put into words the pain. So I stayed, swept under the rug. Our lives seemed to move on. No counseling, just day by day..year by year. I know that I never recovered, healed..whatever it is your supposed to feel. Counseling..none. We just worked, lived and kept the rug down.

Fast forward..I remember almost 7 years ago. Its back..the evil pain. He did it again. He had been. But when I found out, the affairs had been over for a year. Affairs??!! How many? So many..numerous! No number. Do I even want to know? What for? Oh My heart, my kids. Diseases? Do I have something? Does he? He had a vasectomy after our last child..so no surprises. Little did I know. Was that so he could...without...Wow! Believe it or not..I stayed, swept it under the rug. (Or did I?) No. I know it never left. So numb.

But our lives seemed to move on. No counseling, just day by day. Things seemed weird? I "felt" when things were off. He would deny, deny, deny. I felt it though. Was I a pro at knowing. Well he sure was at deceiving. So then a few years later a letter comes from court. He solicited a prostitute. I kicked him out..I took him back. Numb, so numb. There's the rug again. Then there was a family member. No sex, but acts for money..WTF!! Is this a freakin movie?

I moved out with the girls, the boys stayed with him. I moved back with the freakin rug..and there it all went again. Oh yeah, we went to one session of counseling after that fiasco. Wow, one session. Why? The questions I never ask, I never get answered. Now today literally.. I found out that a woman from work (a customer) tried to hook up with him (text messaged him, sent him pics). He denied having sex and says he stopped the conversation that day and ended it before it began. I checked the phone records, that part is true.. oh wow. So I'm back to square one, facing reality. What am I doing here? So numb.

I dont have any family on my side. I have his..but OMG that is out of the question. They know too much already and they thrive on the negative. So inside I keep my pain. And unfortunately our kids know everything (our youngest is almost a teenager now, but we tried to keep him sheltered from all the wrong doing). So who to talk to, express, cry to? The internet..the faces I will never see. So express away I go. Not looking for a reason, or a solution. Although numb..I do know he should go. But....

[rcoreyus]

He is unlikely to stop cheating. I think you need to either leave, or decide you can be happy with him cheating. Staying with him and being miserable isn't doing anyone any good.

[sourpuss]

I agree. It's been 20 years so the likelyhood of anything changing is pretty slim.

[Hopeless Dork]

It sounds like you have resigned yourself to this man. Whether its financial stability, whether its 'for the children' whether its because you are dependent on having him in your life , he's been in it for the bulk of it from what I gather.

This rug. This is you, settling. You deciding you don't deserve better, or knowing you do but deciding something else in your life like the examples above are more important than what you do or don't deserve.

You have learned to dissassociate. To seperate the hurt from the day to day... you had to. If you walked around with all that hurt in the forefront of your mind you'd likely not want to get out of bed.

Aside from the affairs, do you feel loved? Does he make you feel the way you want to be made to feel? If you were unaware of the affairs... and had to base your feelings on this relationship based on the way he treats you -- would you be happy?

Life is short. But life is long spending with someone that makes you miserable. Are you going to keep staying after affair , affair, affair until one day he just decides to stay with 'the other woman'... leaving you absolutely no choice to move on, but with even more pain knowing how much you put up with and should have left long ago.

If he has seen your suffering and did not change his ways... your suffering is not as important as his urges. So he is more important to himself than you. You stay, depsite how much he hurts you. So he is more important to you than yourself. You both have made him the most important person like you are only a supporting character in this movie... but this movie is YOUR LIFE...

And in life you have to share the screen... but if you are always in the background and their needs are front and center...you don't get a sequal... not that we know of for sure. This movie of your life, its all we got, if you stay... I hope you take the time to focus on what makes you happy and eventually , if he doesn't change his ways, you'll realize that you can be happier without someone breaking your heart all the time.

[TammyLJ]

Start putting money away for a rainy day, because it seems you have had a lot of them with your blood sweat and "tears". The rainy day that may come, may not be your choice, but his, and at least you can be financially prepared if it happens.

I have lived through this, not as long as you have, but for about five years and I chose to leave, found a lot of peace in that decision. It is difficult being alone sometimes, but isn't that how you feel in a marriage like this anyhow? Hmmmmmm

[the wench]

it seems that because he is allowed to have his cake and eat it he will always carry on doing so...its no life for you!
think of yourself now and the respect and happiness you deserve and kick him out!

[Numbtothepain]

Thank you for listening..really..thank you

Thanks to everyone for reading. The replies were encourging. But I am embarrased to say I feel like the strength is lacking in me. Yet so confusing. Since I am a strong woman in every other sense. I'm everyone else's backbone. Confident, independant, self assured. I have no reason to be dependent on him. I'm in shape and take care of myself..and funny thing is he is the one that could lose the pounds..lol Guess you guys cant sense that by my soap ophra of a blog. But what holds me here? If you leave out the affairs and bull that he has done..no one would know. Everyone was shocked to find out we had dirty laundry. I guess you can say when its good, its great..love, passion, friendship. But when its bad, its rotten..deceitful, foul, painful torture. But who to blame..right? Me. I stay. So then ask..why complain? Your choice..your doing it to yourself. I know. I really do. I dont have blinders on. Just a broken heart..that maybe will never heal. Yes it will..I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe that's my problem..lol. I just dont have answers right now...right this second. Day by day, but not too late because I know the time will fly. In this very moment, I can feel comfort and relief as I type. Tomorrow is another day...the past is..well..today.

[rcoreyus]

Another option: you could "open" the marriage. If you are going to stay with him, and he is going to cheat, why not put it it the open. You should think carefully about your feelings -does his being with another woman bother you, or just his lying about it, or others finding out about it.

I'm in no way saying that its OK, but you should understand your own feelings.

[Joy]

Sometimes it easier to be the backbone in others lives then it is our own. No doubt your are a strong woman to live thru this for 19 years. I know been there done that when its good its real good and when its bad you sit and wonder when the hellish nightmare will end.

I assume you take your wedding vows seriously so this question isn't ment to be offensive and sorry if it does but I have to ask - Why haven't you just found a boyfriend on the side? It is ok for your husband to step outside the marriage - Every woman wants to feel desired by a man and have that heat of passion - that moment she knows in that man's whole being no other person, problem, idea exsits on the planet but her.

Some ppl have open marriages and if it is acceptable behavior for him then really I don't see the problem for you finding fufillment in life as well. what you two decide works for your partnership is your business. I mean this wasn't a one time thing - by what you have written this is a common occurance over the last 19 years.

Hope your heart finds peace today

[Numbtothepain]

In response to me cheating or opening up the relationship. I've never thought of it that way. Wow..it's interesting to see so many other women's opinions/thoughts. I'm just not that person (to cheat or even make this an open relationship). That much I do know. Yes, it completely crushes me when he has cheated/been with another woman. The lying is equally painful. So you ask what do I want then? What the heck am I still doing with him? This is the part I was afraid of putting out there, because I don't ever "deal" with it. Just going through the motions. So please..forgive my ignorance as I dont have answers. Why put this out there then..well I thought it would help get it off me somehow. Maybe..finally get the strength I need through others...