[kaylar]

Many women get caught up in being the Ex-Mrs. Him.

Friends were 'our' friends...and depending on who
you are, how they were met, he often gets 'custody'
of them.

REmember, that before you use the term divorce you
begin to create a life for yourself, including friends and
interests.

If you don't after divorce you'll be 'poor thing'.

I recall one woman we took to visiting as 'charity'
work, because he was the centre of attention, she
had been 'his wife', now she was non-existent.

So you must make sure that before you use the
'D' word, there is a world out there where you have
your friends, (not our friends) interests, etc.

If you don't, you feel cut off from society.

After divorce, the rituals, hobbies, relationships
you began pre-divorce are given more spotlight.

Pamper yourself.

You must recognise that in one way, you are
a trained wife, hence 'normal' for you is part
of a couple.

This often means a headlong flight into a
relationship to simply put one bed between
the marriage and the single bed.

As long as you appreciate this is an affair,
a fling...and the OTHER PERSON does as well..
it is not a problem.

Remember you are accustomed to committment.
It may be strange to have sex then go home,
or for him to leave, and you might want to stay
or have him stay just because you don't want
to be alone.

This is very bad.
Hence, be conscious of it, and try to avoid
involvements.

[kaylar]

Can We Be Friends?


You can talk to everyone, read everything,
do whatever soul searching you want...but
at the end of the day...
No.
You can't remain friends.
Not now.

You need a clean break. A break in which
you can get your emotions tucked away,
or thrown away.

Where you no longer feel that rush for him,
where he is no longer the centre of your life.

These are the reasons why...

1) Moving Ahead

As long as you remain Mrs.Him, you can never
feel comfortable dating, or making plans which
negatively effect him.

If he's divorced you for someone else, you become
the most pitiful person in the neighborhood. A person
whose calendar stopped the day before divorce.

While he enjoys his new girl, maybe even marries her,
you're lying in your cold bed...remembering.

Many men hate to see their ex-wives move on. Even
if they are married to someone else, they want their
ex-wives to remain chaste.

So, they tease, they play, they keep calling and
dropping by...to see the kids, and using you whenever
they can for whatever it is.

They may like how you prepare a particular meal,
so get you to devote every Thursday to cooking
their favourite dinner.

You may have a skill or profession they wish to
get for free, so they keep the grin on the face
and get you to work for free.

Even if they don't do this, if you keep yourself
'available' you condemn yourself to the past.

Most of us can mention that woman who was
divorced twenty years ago, never remarried, and
still talks about her ex as if she just left him in
the bedroom.

Don't let this be you.

Divorce ends the relationship.
The 'new' relationship is one of strict business.
If you can have your lawyer talk to his lawyer,
fine. You have to move on with your life.

This is not saying you bed hop, or marry, this
is saying that you recreate yourself in the image
you want.

You are free. You can do what you want.
Cut your hair, grow it, dye it...whatever.
Make yourself the way you want to be.

Don't use your ex as your 'best friend' or shoulder
to lean on, or the 'man' you need to get the
whatsit from behind the refridgerator.

This may sound cold, but act as if he died last
year. And live as if he died last year.

Yes, it is hard, but you have to move on.
You have to live, meet people, develope your
potential.

For some women coming out of a very bad
relationship, it might take twenty years before
she can exchange an email with her ex.

For some it may be five years.

But there has to be a point in which all the
memories of intimacy are so dim he is no
more than an old school chum you used to
share pencils with.

Until you can see him with dispassion and
near indifference, it is too early for friendship.

[kaylar]

The Custody Trap


Why would a man, who can't remember the
names of his kids want custody?

Two reasons.

One, to 'punish' you, and second, to save
money. Men have this idea that it is cheaper
to have the kids than pay for their support.

Because he couldn't care less about the kids
he has no problem in demanding custody or
intrusive visitation rights.

Getting you embroiled in argument is exactly
what he wants. Each time you have to go to
Court, he wins. Each time you have to go to
a meeting, he wins.

This is how he thinks.
Be aware of it.

Men have always accused women of being
'emotional', that is because they can press
our buttons.

Husbands, especially ex-husbands, can play
us knowing that;

When a woman starts to cry, or scream,
or get angry, she loses.

Women who are 'nervous', 'high strung',
are often described by the man's lawyer as
about two centimeters from being bi-polar
or some other psychological problem which
will justify why the kids should be taken.

Now understand this...if someone came to
take away your children...wouldn't you get
a little...oh, emotional?

That is what will be used against you.

[kaylar]

Keeping Your Cool


I am going to put this in all caps to emphasise
it's importance...

GET A LAWYER YOU ABSOLUTELY TRUST.

The right lawyer is one who can 'play' your
husband and his lawyer, who has time to
rehearse proceedings with you, and have
'clues' when you must instantly shut up
take a breath and go into a coma.

I will give you a few examples so that you
can understand what might happen in a
custody hearing.

[kaylar]

Quiet And Twist


Wife had been through the Mill. Name it, he'd done it.
Divorce was years overdue.
And what happens?
Husband wants custody.

Now this guy never came home, never took care
of the kids...but his lawyer pops up to ask for
custody.

Well, the first impulses...
Slam lawyer in the head with a two by four.
Scream
Curse
REcount the horror stories
Stand up and hysterically shout 'over my dead body.'

But W's lawyer, very calmly, "This is the first we
are hearing this, can we have the particulars?"

Now what we all know...H's husband doesn't have
any 'particulars', he's just decided to screw up
the hearing with this stupid remark, so as to upset
you.

H's lawyer will be taken off guard. After all, everything
H told him suggested you would die before you'd give
up your kids, and should, as the suggestion was made
scream like a wounded baboon.

[Paulina]

Moving on with my life

I am very impressed with all of the advice that Kaylar gives. Over a year ago I found out that my husband was seeing a much younger tramp. It was the beginning of the end. I have 5 kids & have been a stay at home mom. Everything is changing for me. It has been the most difficult time of my life because I have been married for 19 years & I adored my husband. He disgusts me now & even though I feel discarded, I feel like this is a blessing for me. I have the opportunity to recreate a new life for my kids & I. One of the posts Kaylar wrote reminded me not to be the pitiful exwife. I am grateful for the wisdom others have that strengthens me. I look forward to a great life without a lying, deceitful, irresponsible, disgusting piece of **** taking me for granted.

[kaylar]

Thank you.

One of the most remarkable terms; "The Liberation of Adultery"
occurred to me about ten years ago, when a woman, in her
fifties...(the perfect wife mother...etc) was dumped by her
husband for something you wouldn't touch with a ten foot
pole.

And suddenly, while we were going through this gruesome
situation, and she was saying;

"You know, I almost got up to run home to make sure
my husband's dinner was ready...."

And the realisation that for xyz years she lived 'his' life.
She had no life.

The idea that she didn't have to drop everything at
three thirty to rush home to make his dinner, the
fact she didn't have to purchase the products he
liked, it was so liberating.

It will be the same with you. You will begin to
regrow yourself. You will become more you.
You will feel better than you ever had in your
life.

For one woman it was standing up and speaking
at a political debate, expressing her views not
the ones of her husband. Being able to express
her views and not have her 'master' edit, critic
or become the arbiter on what she could and
couldn't say.