[Giulinaspring]

I noticed back in December that my husband began texting his boss (female) back and forth every day first thing in the am and at night after he is home. The first text is usually from her. She is divorced single mom. It has gotten so excessive that last month there were almost 500 texts. He is currently in school and once he finishes the program he is up for a promotion( that she has been helping him to get). he would still be working for her. . I have seen a couple of texts and usually just normal conversations. I am worried that he is having an emotional affair. Why are they texting each other every night for an hour long? I dont want to ask him, because I am worried if I am wrong that it might make it uncomfortable for him to take the promotion.

I looked up some of the days they were texting and it was when he left the house to go to the store. There was one from each of them at midnight on new years. Another time we were shopping and he went to get the car. She texted him back when I was in the car, but he didn't answer until after we got home. I think he may have noticed that I tried to check the texts the other night. Then a couple of nights ago, he sent her a couple of texts right in front of me. That was my chance to say something, but I was too nervous.

We had a baby last year. Our sex life is non existant and wasn't happening to often before the baby. I spoke to him about it a month ago and he said it is him and he has issues. He is uncomfortable with his weight as well as mine. He doesn't think of us as sexy. We are both so busy that he is just to tired and doesn't really need it. He said he loves me more than anything and he is so busy because he is trying to make a good life for us (working, schoo)

He is going on a business trip with her this week and I just don't know what to think.

I am so confused on what to do.

[Hopeless Dork]

He actually said he doesn't think of you guys as sexy? Thats painful for me to even imagine my boyfriend THINKING let alone saying.

We all have days we might not feel sexy, at any size... and we all have the potential to feel sexy, at any size.

It sounds like he is battling some self-esteem issues and is projecting them on to you as well.

This relationship with his boss is secondary to that. I am fully amazed by your ability to remain calm under those circumstances and applaud your ability to not freak out. I think I would have flipped (to no one's benefit) at comments like your husband made along with the behavior he is displaying with his boss.

If he is feeling unnatractive and she is giving him attention its likely giving him a superficial boost to the ego. It may very well be that she is 'just a friend', 'just a boss'... but I think they are acting in a way that goes beyond a professional relationship.

At this point you can express your hurt at how he feels about himself and you, express your concern over the amount of time he gives this woman. But at the end of the day if he wants to talk to her, he'll find a way to do it. If he doesn't see you guys as sexual beings together anymore... its won't change over night.

Since you have no control over what someone else does, even your husband... you need to keep what you do limited to the things you DO have control over. Like the way you feel about yourself, and what you will or won't consider a disrespectful behavior.

You just had a baby, your emotions are probably running high, hormones, etc... so do look at the situation and consider it objectively for a while just in case you aren't over exagerating what he is doing, even to yourself.

ONE time, I caught my bf checking out another woman in my presense... ONE time and he appologised tremendously for how it hurt me and the disrespect I felt. But when I get mad sometimes, hormonal, emotional... I would say OH YOU ALWAYS check out other girls. And in my head I am saying yep he always does that always always always. Because I am mad.

But when I look at it objectively ... I see, uh, it was ONE time. I am just meaning for you to sit and think about does he really text her all the time? Or is it just more than you'd like... because him doing it one or two times when it made you unhappy can make it feel like HE'S ALWAYS doing that!!!!! Do you know what I mean?

But if you feel like you are being objective, and you feel like even if he is not carrying on an affair that his interest in talking so much with this woman bothers you -- it might be good to talk to him about how it makes you feel.

Don't go at it accusing him of anything you have no proof of. Simply talk about the facts as you see them. That you feel misplaced behind this friendship he has with her. Your worries, your fears, give him the opportunity to comfort them. Thats really all you can do. How would he feel about you carrying on in a similiar way with a male friend you were going on a trip with? Talking to all the time, etc...

You may find that he would be equally concerned or that you two may have entirely different ideas for what is acceptable and what isnt.

[stressed]

He says he doesn't find himself or you sexy and that he doesn't need sex. This is bad enough to start with. Texting another female (boss or not, matters not) multiple times a day for several hours per week, that's disrespectful. Of course you have right to ask him what he texts her so much about, it doesn't have to mean anything, people DO ask such questions even if it's not about men/women. He's going to a business trip with her and I assume he hardly talks to you about her.

He's having low esteem issues that affect you. He thinks he's not sexy, tells you he doesn't find you sexy either, and that gets to you. You can ask him if he finds his boss 'sexy' then, since he can be so "honest" towards you.

500 texts a month is not normal, whether they are send to a man or a woman. He could be enjoying the attention and wants to combine it with a promotion. In any case, this has to stop if you both want to find your own self-attractiveness and be happy with each other.

[beverly16]

Tell him to stop. Choose you or her. The texting and friendship is how my husband started and then it turned into an affair, so stop it now. Women that text married men like that have something more than friendship in mind.

[Joy]

I read your post and first off I feel sorry you are going thru this. Its an obstacle in your relationship that you guys have to face together. You are the only two people that can do anything about it. If your husband is over weight and he has issues about it - he is the only person who can make better choices for himself thru exercise, diet and lifestyle. It does sound like he is projecting his feelings of unsexy to you too. You may feel 100% sexy - because you can be sexy at any size. If you feel unsexy too then only you can make the choice to make better life choices for you health. It is worth it. You have a beautiful baby to be healthy for. Sexy isn't a specific size or weight - sexy is confidence. That tells me your husband lacks confidence.

He may be busy and doing all he can to make a better life for you guys but he is also neglecting important parts of that life. Intimacy which is important part of your relationship together.

I think the boss is a concern - but the bigger problem is your health, communication, and balance. You need to talk to him and you need to be open to listen to him.

[Texasred]

Tell him to stop. Choose you or her. The texting and friendship is how my husband started and then it turned into an affair, so stop it now. Women that text married men like that have something more than friendship in mind.

EGG-zackly!
The relationship with the boss isn't a normal boss-employee relationship.

You might even consider mentioning this to your husband's company's personnel department: just ask them, "Do you think it's normal for them to text each other 500 times a month, including nights and weekends?"
It's very likely they'd consider it unprofessional behavior on the boss' part.