[tinydancer]

Last year I found out I had breast cancer and had both my breast removed. Had several surgery's and still not normal. I feel like a freak,( I have implants )
When I have sex with my husband I wear a sexy bra. Not once, has he asked me not to wear one. Lately I have noticed he is staying later at work and watching porn, more and more. And when he was away last month he went to a strip club. I saw the charge bill when it came in.I do not know what to do, should I ask him about it or what?

[sourpuss]

Definitely ask him about it. Don't just hold it all in. Sorry you're going through this. So many women feel a sense of identity with their breasts. You're still the beautiful woman you were before you had cancer and you will always be, no matter what your body looks like. Please communicate your feelings to your husband.

[Rainbow Rider]

Hi tinydancer! You are a survivor and such an amazing person that you have made it through what you have. You are in no way a freak; lots of women have implants! Lots of men (and women) love and adore those perky boobies with the best cleavage ever!

I have had sex wearing a sexy bra before, too, so you are not alone with that concept. Instead of waiting for him to take it off, why don't you take it off yourself? Why must he take the lead? I am wondering if you are perhaps giving off a vibe that he is detecting - one of self consiousness, etc.? If you are giving off an unhappy and self consious vibe (a don't touch me vibe?), then maybe that is his problem?

Any chance that you two could go into counseling? I am sure he is also dealing with his own demons about what has happened to you, yet men react sometimes in odd ways due to their own insecurities (like pulling away, running off, porn, strip clubs, other women). Don't ask me the psychology behind this; I am not a counselor, but I'm sure a professional could explain this and get to the root of the problem. He should be much more understanding and compassionate to the situation, and running off to porn or strip clubs is only detrimental! He is somehow stroking his own ego this way.

How is the communication between the two of you? Can you talk about things on all levels? I would have to guess not?

Don't know if you'd be up for this, but why not ask if you can go with him to the strip club? Go with the intent of having fun, and really get into it! Cut loose, let down your hair, and have a good time! Strip clubs are not really my thing, but I have been to several with a mixed group - it CAN be fun! Definately something out of the ordinary! However, I think I have seen enough anus's up close and personal to last me a lifetime! LOL!

[tinydancer]

I wish I had those perky breasts, my reconstruction is not finished, I have no nipples just round implants. I know men are visual......And I just can't give him that now, or if I will ever be able too.
We do talk. I am just afraid he will change his site that he goes on and then I will not know what is going on.
We have sex about 2-3 times per week. It just bothers me, that he can sit there and watch it for a hour about 3 times a week after work. Instead of being home.

[Hopeless Dork]

The LAST thing on earth I would advise is going to a strip club WITH him. Why on earth put yourself through that? Right now you are feeling insecure about your breasts do you really want to sit and hold his hand while he is ogling the breasts of other women? That would be so uncomfortable.

You have your life, and you are a survivor , and when your reconstruction is finished you will be feeling more like your old self. But in the mean time, wear the sexy lingerie if you want to . You don't have to take your top , and you shouldn't if you don't feel sexy yet that way. Do the things that make you feel sexy and you will ooze sex and confidence.

Focus on the things on yoru body that make you feel pretty... bend over and show him what your working with in a short skirt A lot of men find women in skimpy clothes much more of a sexual turn on than bucket naked anyway.

Be honest with him about how the porn watching and strip clubs make you feel. Be honest with yourself about how it makes you feel , then relay it to him. Not mean, not accusing... just this is what I feel like when you do this.

Its likely he doesn't realize the kind of hurt he's putting on your heart.

[pretzel]

I'm not really sure if I have the right to respond to tinydancer because I can't even beging to understand the pain and anguish she's going through nor what any woman could go through when breast cancer strikes.

I would hope that very soon your husband realizes that the body is just the vessel by which our spirit resides. It's your spirit that makes us who we are. There are no perfect vessels, but there are perfect souls. It's the soul that makes us soulmates when they intertwine so specially. I hope that one day he comes to realize that we have sex with a body, but make love to our partners soul.

Aside from that, I'd leave the strip club thing alone. I'd me more concerned about his unwillingness to be with you and there for you when you need him. That is what I'd talk about.

[Fallen1]

I would hope that very soon your husband realizes that the body is just the vessel by which our spirit resides. It's your spirit that makes us who we are. There are no perfect vessels, but there are perfect souls. It's the soul that makes us soulmates when they intertwine so specially. I hope that one day he comes to realize that we have sex with a body, but make love to our partners soul.

What beautiful words, brought tears to my eyes.

Aside from that, I'd leave the strip club thing alone. I'd me more concerned about his unwillingness to be with you and there for you when you need him. That is what I'd talk about.

Depending on what has already taken place I don't know if I'd leave it alone completely. He needs to know how this type of things affects her at this point in time. I think it is selfish of him doing this especially now. Although I understand people have needs, he's going to places where he can look at a woman's body knowing what his wife went through. If she already hasn't done so I'd at least say she needs to relay to him how this makes her feel.

Tinydancer, I'm truly sorry life has thrown you this curve. I pray that you have a healthy life ahead of you,the remaining surgeries go well and you start to feel like the beautiful woman you are again.

[rcoreyus]

Talk to him - the problem might not be what you think. My wife had to have part of her breast removed a few years ago (pre-cancer) and it left her somewhat disfigured. She worried that I was kissing her breast less - thought I was disgusted by it. Turns out I was just being careful because I didn't know how long it would still be sore after surgery - I couldn't care less what it looks like.

Maybe he just likes the sexy bra. He may have no idea how you are feeling about this.

[tinydancer]

Thank you for help everyone..

[tinydancer]

well I am back, talk to my husband about the porn. He was not happy.Now he changed his login information and now there is no sex. The past 2 weeks when I wanted it he said he was tired. But when he wanted it was a different story. He told my I should take care of her, so I did and told him. That made him mad.
I am lost.
Last month after I found out about the strip club. He could not keep his hands off of me. We had sex 2 to 3 times a week and was always touching me. Now it is different. I think he just wanted my forgivness. I also think something else went on in Vegas. You do not get a 3,000 charge just for a strip club, there is more to this club then just boobs..... I tried looking it up from the charge, no luck.
I am venting I quess.