[love81]

when i was in college a few years ago i had a long distance relationship with a married man that lasted over 2 years. the guy was 12 years older than me, and we ended up making a sex tape. he told me he erased it but im not sure if he did or not (im guessing he did since he had a wife and baby at the time).

i told my bf of 3 years because i wanted to let him know about a mistake i regretted, but he went into shock and basically wants to dump me now because he thinks the video still exists and has probably been shown to other guys. what should i do? i love him very, very much and have told him that it was a huge STUPID mistake that happened 5 years ago! should i go back to the guy and ask if he still has the tape or should i just accept my fate/karma?

[Mes T]

I'd suggest against contacting the guy, and then potentially making it awkward for you and your boyfriend if he like... gets the wrong idea.

I can understand his shock but ultimately a lot of us have inappropriate tapes/photos somewhere.

I'd just apologize again, ask him what precisely about it bothers him, and go from there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it's possible it's fear from his side, you will go with a married man again..

He has morals that he is frightened that his family will eventually find out as well.

Definately, U think it's in your mind as well, what if?

Contact this man and make it aware that if ever it was to surfice you would not hesitate to put your hand up... Make him fear, to rid of it, if it still exists.

But, rest assure your man that we all make mistakes, you've learn't yours and no way would you ever engage in a relationship again with a married man and that you have dealt with it, with him and that you love your boyfriend and past is past, everyone makes mistakes, deal with it there is no fear.. I am who you know..

CW

[ocularone]

Personally, i believe the tape isn't exactly the most pressing issue. You made a tape with a guy..it could or could not be out there. You have done some stupid things in your past...just like everyone else in the entire world. I am jealous for my girlfriend but i also know she has been with other guys. I even know she has sent previous boyfriend photos of herself. Do they still have them? Have other guys seen/seeing them now? I'm not sure. I do know that it was a choice she made before i came into the picture and even though deep down it makes me outraged to think of other guys potentially looking at nude pictures of MY girlfriend..there is nothing i can do about it. At some point he is going to have to let go of the fact you did what you did. As wrong as he might view it as. Also, i would be cautious about contacting this guy...You contacting him could not only cause problems in your life but his as well. I know most people, including myself, would want to say "well who cares about his privacy or secrecy..he cheated on his wife". However, is he not able to be forgiven past mistakes, just as you should be? Who was the less moral one- The "cheater", or the "homewrecker"?( i'm not saying you are a homewrecker i am just stating an outside viewpoint here). He cheated on his wife..huge stupid mistake..You knowingly slept with a married man..Just as huge of a mistake. Maybe you BOTH have come to terms with your own wrong doings and are trying hard to do right. I think you contacting him is just going to drudge all this back up for the both of you. In the end- you made a sex tape. It could potentially still be out there somewhere in the world. Probably isnt....

Your man now is going to HAVE to come to terms with that at some point..Although, i can see how he could be shocked and very very upset over this.. The question is, is he still going to love and accept not only YOU, but your past?

[rcoreyus]

There isn't anything you can do about the sex tape. If he hasn't destroyed it yet, there is no reason to expect he will do so if you ask. It could be all over the internet now - but so are millions of other tapes, the odds that someone you know will see it is vanishingly small.

Yes - it was a mistake to have an affair with a married man, but people make mistakes. In a relationship, people make mistakes, and their partners need to forgive them. I think very few people can go a lifetime without doing a few really bad things. I'm not saying that you should forgive everything, always - but should understand that people are flawed.

If your boyfriend won't forgive you for this, he won't forgive the next dumb thing you do. Then you won't want to forgive the next dumb thing he does.

By forgive - I really mean forgive, not just say its OK and hold hidden resentment.

[stressed]

If he wouldn't have been married your boyfriend wouldn't mind. I think it's like CW said, that he's afraid you would do it again with another married man. I understand why you told him and it's a good sign, but men (and perhaps women) have a hard time getting over something like that. He will always throw this back at you, even if it will be once a year or two. It doesn't matter to them whether you did it 5 or 10 years ago, or how old you were at the time, all they see is that "you did it".

He has to let go as he's being childish. We've all made huge mistakes in the past. It happened to you before you met him, you know it was wrong, you know you won't do it again, so he has no excuse to make you feel bad about it yet again.

[love81]

thanks for your replies. my bf knows i made a mistake and knows that the affair was discreet and a secret between me and the other guy. we never even went out in public because he was afraid of anyone finding out (he has a wife and kid). he just wishes the video got erased the night it was made. im positive he wont put it on the internet, but how far should i go to make sure it got erased?

would a married guy with child actually keep something like this for memories or to show off to his friends?

how many married guys keep videos of themselves with another woman? i feel as though my bf has no respect for me and the relationship is doomed. i could see the sadness in his eyes, i regret EVERYTHING!

[rcoreyus]

It all depends on why he did it in the first place. Was it just sort of random, poor self control? Did you provide something important to him that he was missing in his life? Was he just cutting notches - seeing how many women he could bed? Were you a pleasant fantasy?

Some of those motivations would make him immediately delete the tape, others would make him treasure it, still others share it.

would a married guy with child actually keep something like this for memories or to show off to his friends?

[love81]

he just asked if i was cool with it, and like an idiot i said yes. it is a very poor quality video, really short, i dont think you can even tell its me in it unless you look at minute details.

[Mes T]

I think you just gotta sit him down and be like, "Look, I really regret doing that, but it's all in the past now and I can't do anything about that blasted tape even if I tried. I really hope you'll forgive me, as this has nothing to do with our current relationship... We've all made mistakes, and this is mine, which I shared with you because I want you to know everything about my life. Please don't punish me for simply being open with you."