[BellaGal]

< Advise Part ... >
So - Here is my dilemma. My husband is using steroids. He has been for several years at least. He denies ever having used a needle to inject any form of drug. He is not against steroid use and backs up anyone who does. I have never confronted him about it as I am afraid of his reaction. He likens the use of steroids to a woman having breast implants. He is not interested in being a professional bodybuilder, but he is extremely into eating and being healthy (vitamins, vegegreens, digestive enzymes, healthy food) as well as using anabolic supplements (also protein a few times a day, pre and post workout anabolics, and as of lately, a prescription grade stuff that is pure white powder - the same consistency as baking soda which - and only requires a teeny scoop each day). He is an extremely motivated person. I do know that he never does anything without researching the ever lasting life out of it - this includes purchasing tv's, phones, homes, etc etc ... He was going to be a professional trainer and open his own gym and supplement store - he's got the background training/schooling to do it, but no longer has the drive to do so since it doesn't make a whole lot of money.

What do I do? Do I accept that this is who he is, and just not say anything? I don't agree with it. I tell him all the time how gross I think bodybuilders are when they get that big (I'm from a family of bodybuilders and weightlifters and boxers ... my aunt was #1 but was bumped because she's natural and couldn't compete next to juicers) and I keep telling him that he's great the way he is and I ask him to not get any bigger. What do I do?? I feel like it is ripping my heart out. I also just learned that a lot of BB's liken using steroids to a woman being on BCP's since those are technically steroids. I've used BCP's since I was 12 due to the anemia and a horrible menstrual cycle - if I wasn't on them, I would bleed 24/7/365. Am I a hypocrite then? I was booked to get breast implants last, last May. I canceled - we thought we were going to have kids so wanted to put it on hold, then I lost my job and being out of work for a year and not having a home isn't the best time to do either. What do I do??



< Background/Vent - Long ... Don't Need to Read>
Edited to Remove - Didn't realize how long it got. If anyone wants the background ... I will repost it.

<removed section>

I then came on here, searched to see if anyone else had posted in this section about this, and have been typing for a few hours now. I get to rambling and my fingers get to typing ... I like to say that it's just me, running my mouth. I apologize for the book.

[baja]

BellaGal, your husband is fooling himself if he thinks that steroids are anything like breast implants or birth control pills.

Steroids directly impact the performance of all of his cells, muscles in particular. Although they provide certain "benefits", they are not without their side-effects such as increased cholesterol levels, high blood pressure, liver damage with increased risk of cancer, potential changes in the left ventricle of the heart increasing heart attack risk and experiments have shown a tendency of steroids to shorten lifespan. I'll assume he is not abusing steroids, but I have personally seen the impact of them on behavior such as increasing aggression and irritability.

Breast implants are simply that... implants. And as for BCPs, there can be side-effects as well with a fair share of risk, but steroids are on a whole other level.

Have him take a long hard look at the real health effects of steroids. I suspect he's been listening only to his fellow body builders, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but if some of the bulked up guys I see at the gym spent a 10th of their time exercising the muscle that truly counts (i.e. their brain) then they'd realize the long-term risk is not nearly worth the short-term benefit.

[BellaGal]

Thank you baja. That is what scares me the most I think. The side effects and the impact it is having on his brain - how he sees himself and I fear that he will always see himself as 'small' and that he will go and go and go until he kills himself.

I do not know if he is abusing them. I know that he is using them ... I do know that in the little research I did about them I found out about the cycles and I'm sure that he has researched all of that and is using them 'properly' (albeit without doctors guidance).

He does not realize that I know about it - I do know that 6 months ago or so he had testosterone pills. He told me it was to counterbalance the anabolic whatever pills he was taking to help boost him (he's quite open with the anabolic supplements etc) but knowing what I knew from my research, I was aware that he was obviously at the end of or just completed a cycle and needed the testosterone since when a person comes off the cycle it affects their testosterone and does not produce it very well (I think that's what causes the shrinking testes?).

He is 36 on Saturday ... so he isn't 'young' but he isn't 'old' - but at the age where he does need to be aware of what he is doing to his body. I'm afraid that his body will not be able to handle it. He has had plenty of accidents (vehicle and other - once he was in a coma with his head split entirely open, and the doctors were amazed that he was alive let alone walking) and has had a couple of major surgeries in the last couple of years. I am afraid that if something happens and I have to rush him to the hospital again that I won't know what he is on and that he might die.

Since he has a background of the training and nutrition etc, he is very aware of his entire body (except his brain ... I keep begging him to go get it checked out - flash nose bleeds, constant migraines, and massive memory loss is not something to toy with) and for everything he does that could cause a 'sway', he has a counter balance for it.

Now I feel like I'm defending him. What is wrong with me? I know what he is doing is not the right thing for him to be doing. Perhaps it is that from the time we've met I've done absolutely everything I can for him at the drop of a hat and it's been drilled in my brain that he's right, I'm wrong and that will never change. I've learned to not disrespect his authority or his opinions (by disagreeing or whatever).

*Sigh*

Maybe I am the one who needs a brain checkup?

(Oh wait - I just did ... literally 2 weeks ago tomorrow)

I agree with you, baja, that implants are nothing like steroids but I cannot make a clear argument for that when I'm talking to him. He brings it back to physical looks - a man uses steroids to achieve a particular look, and a woman uses breast implants to achieve a particular look. If a woman is allowed to alter her body to make her happy, then why can't a man? I have no counter argument for that.

BCP's side effects - I know well of those. I've been on probably 7 different types of BCP in the last couple of years and have used probably 9 or 10 different types all together. It is not 'fun' for me to be on them, but it is something that I must do. I don't see how something that is closely monitored by my doctor comes remotely close to something that is self-administered with zero control except advise from online forums.

I know that he does feel insufficient - he doesn't exactly have the greatest genes to work with to achieve his goals. His mom is a tiny gal and his biological father is tall and thin ... he's all of 5"7 at 204lbs. He is naturally quite skinny - if you see older pictures of him. He's had to work extremely hard to get where he is at, but now all I see is a steroid user and not just the hard work (some people do not realize that steroid users have to work harder still because of all the extra stuff - they can't just take the steroids and get the instant gratification of massive muscles).

Do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up with him? I've never outright asked him or talked to him about him using before. I've brought the subject up when some athlete in the news has some scandal going on ... that's the only way he talks about it, when I am sneaky and bring the conversation up. I am afraid of how he will react. Do I tell him that I know? Do I tell him that it makes me almost physically ill and nauseous to think of it? Do I tell him that it is okay? How about telling him that it plain grosses me out to think that my husband, the one I love and would do anything for, cares so little about how I feel about something to hide it from me and lie about it? I don't want him mad at me - he will definitely make it my fault and it will all be on me and by the end of it I will be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness and it will be me crying myself to sleep again and it will be me who bends over backwards to make him happy and to get things back to 'normal'.

[baja]

BellaGal, this clearly is very difficult and painful for you. You know, 5'7" and 204lbs, it appears he is quite muscular and I suspect that steroids may have already taken their toll on him... and YOU!

Beyond his steroid use, what really concerns me are your comments like "I've learned to not disrespect his authority or his opinions (by disagreeing or whatever)" and "by the end of it I will be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness and it will be me crying myself to sleep again and it will be me who bends over backwards to make him happy and to get things back to 'normal'".

Honestly, if you don't feel you can speak your mind as an equal in the relationship, if you are expected to be the one who changes to make things "normal", and you're the one apologizing, begging for forgiveness and crying yourself to sleep, then I can assure you that you deserve far better!

I feel that his steroid use has become a focal point but there are greater issues in your relationship... mainly, what about your happiness?!?!?

[BellaGal]

You bring up a very valid point, baja.

In the big picture, his using steroids is not a huge deal - sure I don't like it and have no idea how to deal with it, but in the overall picture ... it's just one thing.

I struggle with certain things. I grew up knowing that my mom married my dad - moved out of her parents home and in with him, and she never wanted that for either me or my sister. So what did I do? I met him when I was 17 and before I was 19 had moved in with him - not knowing a stitch about 'real life' and life on my own ... we married when I was 20. He has been my only serious relationship. I never lived on my own. Sure I had phone bills and my vehicle expenses etc, but never dated or traveled or anything. I didn't even talk to my parents when I moved out - they came home to me packing my car and leaving. Part of me is wondering if I did the right thing? Not about marrying my husband - but about not living and doing things. I could have had my relationship with him but not been so naive and not gotten sucked into just relationship and I could have done other stuff. Heaven knows I had enough money to do whatever I wanted when I first moved.

It's funny because that decades thread ... I've seen that before and in my brain, my thinking is that for the most part, that article is correct and I feel horrible and guilty if I do not do all of those things for him (not the taking off his shoes part - feet are gross). If he comes home and I haven't tidied up and he gets upset about clutter, I cry and get upset when he cleans it up himself. If I haven't got dinner ready, I get upset and cry. If dinner sucks I get upset and cry. I've always been a perfectionist - everything must be perfect and it is the faults in me that cause me to tear myself down. When I'm feeling self confident and happy - that is definitely when he (and I) loves me the most. When I'm not ... I can't even stand to be around myself.

As you've noticed - I ramble. I talk out of my rear and I run my mouth off.

I was taught at a very young age that if what you say adds nothing and makes no difference in the world then you shouldn't say it. I was taught that if I made a joke that wasn't funny, then I could expect anger and a threat. I was taught that as long as the people around me were fully satisfied, then I would not get yelled at or hit or told that everything was my fault. I've never overcome these things and I don't know how.

I think that is why I am not happy. I don't know who I am, I don't know really what I want and what I want to do (well, I sort of know - I'm in University working on my '10 year plan') and I just don't know.

I know that it isn't him (my husband) that makes me feel the way I do and act the way I do - it's me, and I wish that I could change it. I have constantly been trying to change myself for years now and I've improved a lot, but I still have a long ways to go.

[coastchick]

hi BellaGal! i hope i can be of some help here...

testosterone pills are not necessarily anabolic steroids. my husband runs a health supplement shop and he sells testosterone supplements that can help boost ones own testosterone. it can also be purchased as a topical cream and is perfectly legal.Tribullus Terrestis, ZMA along with other products are considered testosterone Pills that can naturally boost testosterone and can be purchased at most if not all health supplement shops. do you remember what the name of the product was or where he got it?

just because someone is 5'7 and weighs 200lbs does not necessarily mean he is a steroid user. how long has he been training? with proper diet, supplementation and training almost anything is possible. you mentioned he is educated in fitness so i suspect he is not someone just looking for a quick fix.

im not saying he is or isnt using steroids but from the information presented about it i wouldnt be quick to jump to any conclusions.

i do feel that there may be other issues her though you need to deal with.... "I've learned to not disrespect his authority or his opinions (by disagreeing or whatever)" and "by the end of it I will be the one apologizing and begging for forgiveness and it will be me crying myself to sleep again and it will be me who bends over backwards to make him happy and to get things back to 'normal'"...this almost sounds like you are being abused and should seek help if that is the case.

i can tell you from my experience that learning who you are and what you want is a lifelong process. you just have to make sure youer with the right person to share that experience.

i hope you dont mind me putting in my 2 cents. i am new here but i have learned alot in my journies through mother natures gift of life.

[BellaGal]

Thanks coastchick.

I know for a fact he is using steroids. I deleted out a lot of info from my OP, but basically found proof of it 3 years ago, then several months ago, then just yesterday again. I've seen an injection site on his butt cheek which he claimed was a bruise from walking into a door handle ... having been anemic and gone through blood tests every month I know darn well what an injection site looks like. I've seen the empty antiseptic wipe wrappers and the vials of steroids. I've seen the used needles and the empty needle wrappers.

I know that many of the supplements he uses are considered 'gear' and some say right on them that they are anabolic supplements. The testosterone pills he was on just said Testosterone on the bottle - and I'm aware that he was using those when either completing or just off of a cycle.

He's a regular at his supplement shop and buys so much stuff there he gets discounts when there are no deals on and gets freebies ... he's also well known at the local health shop. You're definitely right in the assumption that he is not looking for a quick fix. He's had his past with drugs of many sorts but that was a long time ago and he has even quit smoking and only drinks on occasion.

You are also right that there are other issues. Mostly with myself I think! He has never physically hurt or abused me. Any emotional or mental abuse is simply because I am a 'reader into things' and make mountains out of molehills and am a very emotional person who is easily hurt. He cannot help the way he is, and I am trying to change myself so that I can be stronger. He jokes around and I know he is joking, and yet I get hurt and start to cry - even though I know he never meant anything and he even says so and then he gets mad that he can't joke with me or have a discussion with me without me getting upset and crying. I have a hard time talking about anything serious with him - I cry a lot because as a child I was constantly told that I could come to my parents and talk to them about anything ... and when I did (i.e. kids bullying me in school) I would cry because I was embarrassed and my mother would say to me "grow up, there's nothing to cry about" and she would walk away from me. So I learned that any problems I had should be kept inside and not shared and not ... anything - just hidden away inside. I never even told anyone that I was raped until our pre-marital counseling (our pastor will not marry anyone who has not gone through it) and even then it was glossed over and I asked forgiveness for it. Why the F should I have had to ask forgiveness for some a-hole creepo who held me down and orally raped and abused me?

Sorry ... I did not mean to go off like that. Since no one knows who I am I'll leave it, but my gut instinct is to delete everything I've written and type some simple, meaningless post that will cover my pain. So I'm going to leave it. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't go off like that.

[coastchick]

"Sorry ... I did not mean to go off like that."....

sometimes we all need to "go off..." to vent and release pressure. *hug*

as for the steroids...well...i can tell you that my husband "uses" them from time but does not "abuse" them. i think with most things in life they have their merits provided they are not abused. remember in some countries steroids are legal and socially acceptable. my guy is 5'9 and about 210lbs so he's not a massive dude and i like the way he looks *grin* ....believe me, after some of the guys i have been with there is definitly worse things a guy can be involved in.

so for me, personally if your guy is "using" them and not "abusing" them and has done his homework (which it sounds like he does!) then i wouldnt be too concerned....

just my 2 cents...

[sourpuss]

"Sorry ... I did not mean to go off like that."....

sometimes we all need to "go off..." to vent and release pressure. *hug*

as for the steroids...well...i can tell you that my husband "uses" them from time but does not "abuse" them. i think with most things in life they have their merits provided they are not abused. remember in some countries steroids are legal and socially acceptable. my guy is 5'9 and about 210lbs so he's not a massive dude and i like the way he looks *grin* ....believe me, after some of the guys i have been with there is definitly worse things a guy can be involved in.

so for me, personally if your guy is "using" them and not "abusing" them and has done his homework (which it sounds like he does!) then i wouldnt be too concerned....

just my 2 cents...

I agree with this, totally. Use is one thing, abuse is a whole different ball of wax. From the sounds of it, he's using and has educated himself on not abusing.
But all of that aside, it sounds like your relationship dynamic is out of whack. Take away the steroid thing, what is it that's really bothering you about the relationship?

[BellaGal]

thanks coastchick & sourpuss.

When you put it that way, and also hearing it from someone who's in the same boat as me (oh I enjoy how he looks *drool*) it puts it into perspective. He's always said when we talk about the subject in general, that it is not illegal everywhere and he's all crazy about the FDA and how they can approve something for one place but not another and how they approve one drug but not another that is exactly the same ... I think my worry was that I was not separating use from abuse and you both are absolutely right - I even mentioned that he has educated himself about everything he does, yet it did not click that obviously if he is educated he isn't going to abuse, just use. I feel a lot better about that now.

Another extremely good point, sourpuss. I think I'm going to take your question and think about that - honestly think about it, not think something then push it aside. I'm taking time off from the forum I'm a moderator at and I'm going to take time off from the other stuff I do (leaving only school, home, fitness) to focus on that. I need to really put everything into an honest perspective, look at things from both sides, find out what is wrong and what I/we can do to change it and make this relationship stronger and better.

Thank you!!

I spent the last 2 days crying, and now I think things are looking up. I have a goal, a direction to work towards, and I think it will end up good! Thank you!