[grrrr]

Hi all:

I have a question - are any of you in a "money power-struggle"? I only ask b/c sometimes I think that the lines are blurred between the "financial bread winner" and the notion that money grants some sort of "power."

My husband is the primary "bread winner" of our family, however, I work and make a decent income. I primarily work from home, and as such, instead of taking breaks like going out to lunch, I'll clean, make dinner, do the laundry, all of the "domestic" things as I'm earning my income. I have this sense that b/c I'm at home, the hubs doesn't realize that I'm WORKING.... and the other day (over the weekend) I asked if he would take the trash out. I'd worked all day, and I just didn't feel like doing it. As a "jab" and I know that it was meant to be a joke, he said "when you trump my income I'll do the laundry too" - which really made me mad.

I told him how aggrivating it was, and if he felt that way he could pay me for the house-keeping, the laundry, the meals that I make for him daily, the errands that I can do b/c I have more flexibility in my schedule.... and then perhaps my salary WILL trump him, and I'd be glad to hand off the daily tasks that I do!

I know that he appreciates what I do, and he doesn't really think that he's got more "power" b/c he earns more than I do, I was just wondering if anyone else on this forum has ever experienced a "jab" that kind of ticked you off????

Thank you!

grrrr

[stressed]

Of course. When the man works outside the house and you are at home, it doesn't matter whether you make more money or not that him, he still takes it as if you are "at home" and that he works harder than you. He thinks you can relax, watch tv for 10 mins, etc. whereas he's done with 8 hours a day for the rest of the week. Home equals relaxation to such a man, nothing else. Plus, I think that even if you would work outside the house he would still behave the same. He'd still make more money than you and would still claim to be more tired than you, no matter what.

My guy is the same.

[grrrr]

Of course. When the man works outside the house and you are at home, it doesn't matter whether you make more money or not that him, he still takes it as if you are "at home" and that he works harder than you. He thinks you can relax, watch tv for 10 mins, etc. whereas he's done with 8 hours a day for the rest of the week. Home equals relaxation to such a man, nothing else. Plus, I think that even if you would work outside the house he would still behave the same. He'd still make more money than you and would still claim to be more tired than you, no matter what.

My guy is the same.

Thank you! Ok, I think that you're right. It's funny, I actually brought this up to his sister (I have a great relationship with his family) - her husband works for GMAC and is ALWAYS at work - she took time off to care for her daughter years ago, and has been struggling to get back into the working world having had so many years off. She was appauled and said that her brother was raised better than that!

Her husband never speaks of being the sole bread winner - in fact, he thinks that at the end of the day she probably works harder than he!

I just got so annoyed with him at that comment.... I know that he thought that it was "funny" - but that's not a joke to me, it's kind of like more of a "character assassination"

It's nice to know that I'm not in a boat all alone! Thanks, Stressed!

[LanaBear]

Why not sit down and split household chores... That's what we do and it works. It is a partnership after all and nothing should be one sided. We don't have the money/power struggle (I make more than hubby, a lot more), but neither of us even view it that way. We've had a few close couples of ours divorce over money issues, so we tend to not view it as my money/his money, it's our money.

But, back to the chores, split them out... We both cook, he'll BBQ, I'll cook inside. He does the laundry, I'll fold the laundry. He deals with the garage, I deal with the landscaping. He keeps the house picked up, I'll clean the house, etc. Like I said, there is no reason for one to take on more household duties than the other.

[stressed]

I often get lines like "well, you don't work 8 hours at a factory like I do", or, "you will understand when you get a real job" (I'm studying) and such lines annoy me a lot. For a whole year he was very demanding of me, just because I was at home and he worked. As if I don't need a break while he's at home too, that I have to take care of his needs all the time as if he's a king. We almost broke up for this and other reasons, but he has changed since that. At least he's not as demanding and is not as much of a pig at home as he used to be.

But he has admitted that even if I'd have a job it wouldn't be as hard as the one he has, so he'd still be able to say that he works harder than me. Selfish, but it suits them. The thing is, don't allow them to step all over you and set limits. Don't be afraid to tell him to do some housework too in the weekends, you have rights too. It's not like you sit at home all day long doing nothing.

What also annoys me is that his sister doesn't do anything at all. Only spends her days with facebook and the internet, sends her kids to her mom across the street every day, wakes up in the afternoon and doesn't cook while her husband has the same kind of job as my man. Yet, her husband gets to mop and vacuum during the weekends... So when my man used to tell me things like "you don't clean enough" I always said "well, maybe I want to be like your sister, just sit at home and do nothing, make it a family thing".

Try to set rules when you can. Being at home is even worse than having a job outside, as there's always some kind of work to do at home and it repeats itself every 24 hours without payment from anyone.

[grrrr]

I think that you're both right about "setting rules" - it sounds like LanaBear has a great relationship in that respect.

I know that he works super hard and he has a very stressful job - and I'm not knocking that at all.... and when the weekend rolls around all he wants to do is "relax" - but I agree, he should pitch in more and not be the "king" as Stressed mentioned.

Also, Stressed - being a student is a total "full time" job, and kudos for that! That's awesome.

Working from home totally has its ups and downs, that's for sure.... but at least it affords me the opportunity to join this forum!

Thanks for the perspective and advice.

[LanaBear]

Don't let him throw that work from home business in your face, I work from home. It should be no different than if you worked out of the home. Just because you are working from home doesn't mean that you can do more AT home. You still have a job, that requires you to be working! Yeah, some jobs are more difficult than others, but to me, if you both live in the house, that isn't an excuse.

[rcoreyus]

There are lots of different ways that jobs can be hard. They can be physically demanding (construction work). They can be mentally exhausting (software development), they can be dangerous (police / fire / military), they can be endless drudgery (assembly line), they can require "forced creativity" (a columnist who needs to think of something interesting to say EVERY DAY, then can have huge safety responsibility (airline pilot), or financial responsibility (investment banker).

I don't think it is ever fair to say one job is harder than another - all kinds of work are hard (though if you are lucky you will enjoy your work). I think people focus on the problems in their own work, and don't understand other people's problems.

I often get lines like "well, you don't work 8 hours at a factory like I do", or, "you will understand when you get a real job" (I'm studying) and such lines annoy me a lot. For a whole year he was very demanding of me, just because I was at home and he worked. As if I don't need a break while he's at home too, that I have to take care of his needs all the time as if he's a king. We almost broke up for this and other reasons, but he has changed since that. At least he's not as demanding and is not as much of a pig at home as he used to be.

But he has admitted that even if I'd have a job it wouldn't be as hard as the one he has, so he'd still be able to say that he works harder than me. Selfish, but it suits them. The thing is, don't allow them to step all over you and set limits. Don't be afraid to tell him to do some housework too in the weekends, you have rights too. It's not like you sit at home all day long doing nothing.

What also annoys me is that his sister doesn't do anything at all. Only spends her days with facebook and the internet, sends her kids to her mom across the street every day, wakes up in the afternoon and doesn't cook while her husband has the same kind of job as my man. Yet, her husband gets to mop and vacuum during the weekends... So when my man used to tell me things like "you don't clean enough" I always said "well, maybe I want to be like your sister, just sit at home and do nothing, make it a family thing".

Try to set rules when you can. Being at home is even worse than having a job outside, as there's always some kind of work to do at home and it repeats itself every 24 hours without payment from anyone.

[grrrr]

You are all spot-on. Thank you!

I'll bring this up. Thanks again for the support!

[grrrr]

Thank You!

Hey everyone:

I've been taking your advice into account, and I'm working on a "list" - I think that it's a great idea. Totally non-threatening...

It's funny, I never really thought about the things that I do around the house until I asked for one (what I think of as) small favor, bring out the garbage! I guess when he said that - seriously, I know that he didn't mean to cajol me that much, but it really ****ed me off! Then it got me to thinking of everything that's pristine when he comes home and how it doesn't happen by itself.

I never minded in the past all that much, and it really sounds so petty when I read the thread in retrospect, but golly... thanks for the "list" idea. Who knows if I'll sit on it until the weekend, but it certainly makes me feel more "proactive" - and that makes me feel wiser and better.

Thanks again!