[Risch]

Hi all
We have been on the brink of divorce for the past 3 months. I have moved out already, the divorce papers have been issued, etc. We still love each other, we're very good friends, and the divorce is about him not accepting my two kids from a previous marriage. He has some other faults, as have I, none a reason to get divorced over, though. (I strongly believe people give up too easily these days.) He has now said that we can remain married. Neither he nor I want anyone else, we really don't want the whole dating thing all over again. The exception being, we live in two houses. I live in mine with the kids and he lives in his. The weekends when the other two kids are not around (visiting with grandma or dad) we will spend time together: me him and our son. On the one hand, I can live with that. On the other, can you still call it a marriage? Aren't we making a joke of marriage? What will the effect on the children be? Can it really work??

[Mes T]

I'd worry about the "rejected" kids.

As a child, how would you feel if your parental figures got together only when YOU weren't around??

I think him rejecting your children is a huge deal. If I were in that situation, I don't see how I could have married him in the first place.

I don't quite see how this could work. Maybe instead of that arrangement, you could try some couples counseling to have him warm up to the children... OR go through with the divorce and find someone who you can actually live with under the same roof.

(None of us like the "dating scene" after a while, so I hear ya on that. But really might be worth it to go back to that, if it means you'd have a chance to find someone you could have a functional family with.)

[Risch]

Although there were some red lights, I chose not to pay attention to them. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. And, the rejection of the kids only became really serious after we got married. Having gone through a divorce already, I have tried everything I know to keep this marriage from falling apart.
I haven't really thought about the effect on the kids in that sense, purely because they are not at all close to him, especially my son. I might have lost track of the fact that he still represented a father figure (even if it was a bad one).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Don't you think he's being selfish? Putting his thoughts and feelings before you, as well as before the children.

It takes work to bond with someone else's children.. They have a Dad, so it's no big deal, he can just be their "mate".. I am in a relationship where there is a Mother and an 11 year old daughter, and I am her "friend", not her step mum to be. It works.

Living in separate houses is a great thing, if you like space, if he snores, if you want your independence and by doing so, you create date nights and you both always feel like your in a new relationship...

But, having said that, that only works if you are the above type of people, not people that have been married.

Sounds to me, sorry, like a cop out.. He doesn't have to worry about you finding someone else, he still gets to sleep with you, when your not around, what will he do? It's comfortablility, what he's comfortable with all at his demand, none at yours.

Whilst you are raising what, 3 children, pretty much on your own, feeding, cleaning, etc, and then sitting on your own at night whilst they sleep...

He, gets the date nights, the sex, the no loud screams, etc that kids make, just pure what ever he wants to do, relaxing...

I don't think so

Where has he shown you support? And, are you truly in love, or just don't want to go through another Divorce, be on your own and start dating again.

Don't you deserve someone with compassion that is there for you and all of your children?

CW

[WildChild]

I dealt with this with my last husband. He had a daughter and was better with my daughter but awful with my son. He couldn't, to either, just say don't do that, but but berrate them, going on and on about some little thing and then keep bringing it up, over and over. He was frequently unemployed and every time I left the house for work, when I came home one or both of my kids would be in tears.

I kept thinking it was the adjustment to blending households, or the stress of being unemployed or later the meds he was on or the stress of his illness. The truth was he was just horrid to my kids and the signs had been there earlier - I had simply failed to see them.

A series of incidents toward myself and kids, culminating with my coming home one day to learn that this 6'5", very large (over 300 pounds) and strong man had grabbed my 4'10", probably 100 pound son by the throat. I called the sherriff, who declined to come out as there were no marks and I hadn't witnessed it. My son's reaction was proof enough for me. We got out.

You don't get second chances with your children. There are plenty of men in the world, you have lots of chances there. What message do you send your kids when you stay with this man and stay married to him, even though you have moved out? You are setting the stage for what they will accept in relationships as adults.What are your actions and doubts conveying to them?

[pretzel]

Legalized fwb as far as I'm concerned.

This isn't a marriage although you may have the paper that says it is.

Her kids from her prior marriage is part of who she is. You marry the whole person, not just that part you like.

As far as being "friends" with the non parental kids, that's not something I subscibe to. Whether or not your the biological parent, when they are in your house, it's your rules. No questions asked, no arguments.

Both of the OP and her husband don't want to accept responsibility.

[Ashlee T.]

I hate to even feel this way, but I truly feel that continuing a relationship with this man you are in a sense disregarding your children. Why should they believe that its okay for mom to date (much less be married) to a man that doesn't like them, refuses to be around them, and will only be around HIS child? When he married you, he married your children too. If he loves you, then he loves them because you do, right? You're "mama bear", and your cubs come FIRST above anything and everything else in your life.

Lets say you stay with this man..... your children become adults and start to have families/lives of their own. Will he reject your grandchildren as well because they're not HIS? Or more accurately, will your children even want to TRY to include your grandchildren in your life if you're with a man who doesn't even want them around?

Why is "his" son, better than your children? How do you imagine it feels to them to know that you all get together and spend time together with YOUR son only when they're not around? What about family vacations..... do you either not get to ever take any vacations, or do you have to wait until the "other" children aren't around? At what point did you decide that it's okay for him to blatantly disregard your children?

Sad. Very very sad for those two children. Yes, this entire situation makes a joke of marriage, and a joke of parenthood.

[sourpuss]

Why won't he accept your kids?

[pretzel]

Why won't he accept your kids?

Quite honestly, probably because they're not his.

Sad, but some people do have that selfishness in them.

[Risch]

Ok, What is "fwb"? And "OP"?
I am seeing a councellor tomorrow morning. Hopefully she will be able to break through the barrier of whatever it is in my mind I can't get to. For some reason I just can't tell him off. I know I need to. Why can't I just open my mouth and say the words? I am very scared of what is waiting for me once I do. That I know. Been there before, you know.
Thanks for all your replies, I haven't even thought of the grandchildren part!! So I really appreciate the input.
PS: I am not hurting my kids on purpose, you know. Sometimes (don't know if you have ever been there) you just really don't know which way to turn for the best of ALL involved. Guess, I made a wrong turn.