[Ashlee T.]

Official to you means everyone knows you're engaged, you wear an engagement ring and you talk about your future plans for a wedding. Is that right?

Sounds like you have a love that you are very proud of and are very thankful for.

But sounds like you and he both have some decisions to make that have nothing at all to do with getting married. First you've both got to face the facts that if you got a degree you can't find work in, you're going to have to set your sights elsewhere. Just because you have an assoc's in graphic design, doesn't mean you can get a job in another field. I work with a woman who has a math/science degree, but is now the credit card administrator for the University we work for.

So, if being engaged and getting married are important enough, you two will find a way to make lives for YOURSELVES without your parents. You will get jobs (in WHATEVER field), start paying back your debts, gradually put back money to save for a modest wedding, and get out of your parents homes. No one said that finding a job is "soooooooo easy". We're all adults here, and we know the state of the economy. But we also know it's possible. And we also know that if you limit what you're "willing to do" then yes, you may be 2 years from now still living with mom and dad and not working. Is it easy? Nope. Can you make it happen? Without a doubt.

Where your mom and sis are concerned...that's 100% up to you. You will NEVER be able to control how people react to things. But if you're confident in the relationship, in your love for him and his for you, then who gives a rats what they think? Whether or not you are open about your engagement is 100% up to you. I got engaged once, my mom wasnt happy about it, she hurt my feelings, I cried. End of story we got past it, and so did my mom. He and I ended up down the road going seperate ways, but not because of that. So you want people to know? Tell them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why do you have a fear over your Mum and Sister?

You have a ring, it cost $125, it was a promise to buy you a better one, but the meaning was the same...

If you had $1000 today and could go and get a beautiful ring, would you then tell your Mother and Sister?

You don't have to prove anything to anyone..If your in love and you both know you have a future, a ring is a ring, the meaning is what's important, and so if I was you seeing as this is really bugging you, I'd tell the world. We are "un-officially engaged", when we can afford a ring, we will be holding a party... Simple, leave it at that but get it off your chest.

And, no, I wouldn't fork out another cent on a school that didn't teach all that was needed to obtain a job, for that type of money, in fact I would look into it, complain, and see if they are meeting the guidelines for what they charged.

CW

[Guest]

Yes, letting everyone know what my future plans are with him is what I mean by official.

Neither of us has applied ANYWHERE that deals with Graphic Design. We’ve put in dozens and dozens of applications at places and no one will reply. His sister in law just got on at Walmart so we both plan to call Personnel on Monday when they are there so see what we can get into.

We don’t want a BIG wedding or anything. I’d be perfectly happy just going to Vegas or the Court House as said. I have always dreamed of my wedding, as every girl has I’m sure, but there are just so many things that he and I just don’t do and we don’t really need a huge ceremony or anything like that. As said, court house or Vegas with a party later on would be perfectly fine with me, it’s what my cousin did, what his uncle did, what his parents did etc.

I hate my mom and sister. You have no idea about the stuff that goes on between those two. My sister is actually my half sister because she has a different dad. My mom got pregnant at 17 and has been super strict with me since. My mom spends tons on my sister and my niece. She hardly spends anything on me as her youngest. My dad and my sister do not get along. She’s 35 years old and still relies on my mom for just about everything. They both thought my cousin was to young to get married when she was 25 at the time. My sister has been with the same guy for YEARS and they don’t even sleep in the same bed. It’s a whole bunch of drama, that’s the problem with my mom and sis.

I guess it just bugs me that I can’t tell people. I mean, yea I can but I guess it’s just something I needed to get off my chest and vent about. I’m in no rush at all to get married. I’d love to move out and stuff first and I tell you what, I’m DIEING to do that right now.

[grrrr]

You're totally looking for an escape which is understandable.....

[stressed]

You are 20, he is 22, you have no income, no means of supporting a home, so to wait with marriage is only reasonable.

Whether you are wearing a ring or not, whether it costed $125 or $1,250 does not matter. My family had to pay for our engagement rings, but we do not value them any less for that. Whether people see a ring or not does not matter. Whether everyone knows you are engaged or not does not matter. What matters is if you and your fiance feel engaged to each other. If you and he tell friends and others you are engaged and not single (your mom and sister are a special case). That you want to marry one day but cannot afford it at the moment. If you know he means what he says, that he does want to marry you but it is practically not possible at the moment, then you have nothing to worry about. I think it is perfectly normal that you have not planned for a wedding yet, since you cannot even live in the same house right now. To be married and live apart would not be marriage. As for being engaged, you ARE engaged, dear. You have talked about your future wedding, he has even mentioned about going to a court instead of church, to me this sounds as if he has a plan for it and doesn't just say it.

Now, maybe you don't feel this is as "official" as it would be with a different ring, but a ring is just a ring. It's only there to show you're engaged, it's a cultural custom. It doesn't change what you feel for each other. If you feel that a different ring would make you feel more engaged than you are now, you can tell him so, save some extra money and buy one. Because I get the feeling you are not satisfied with your current ring, be it for its price or its looks. In certain European countries both men and women wear a ring. Maybe you would feel better if he wore a ring too? It doesn't have to be anything expensive, but I know I love it that my fiance also wears a ring.

As for your mother and sister, it seems like they would not react the way you expect them to react, whether you tell them you are engaged or married. It's how they are. But as it has been mentioned above, you should not have to worry about what others will think, be it about you or your fiance. Your relationship and your future should not depend on other people's opinions.

You are very young and very much in love. Your fiance seems to be a very caring and reasonable young man who loves you. Make plans together, look for jobs that may not involve your subject of study for a while, just to have an income until you find the job you want, and make a certain year plan to get a place where you can live together. You have so many years ahead of you that you should not stress yourself over a piece of paper (bluntly said, but I hope you know what I mean). Enjoy what you have and everything will happen at the right time.

[Guest]

I'm not worried about my ring. I like my ring and it's just recently been cleaned and everything and there is nothing wrong with it. I wear it daily and proudly.
When we do get married yes I'd like a different ring or at least a set for both myself and him. He as well has a ring but is not a jewelry person so he does not wear it. It doesn't matter if he wears it or not, he knows how I feel about it all.
I've already told you all we DO NOT apply anywhere pertaining to our career field because our school did such a terrible job at teaching us so we don't even waste our time applying at places that require 5 years experience and a Bachelor's Degree that neither of us have.
I've been applying at retail places since I was 16 without any luck. He had a job once working as a Detailer at a Car Dealership but that ended quick because of the abuse his managers put him and his coworkers through. He worked probably 115 hours in 2 weeks. Sure pay was good but with the abuse he had to put up with, it wasn't worth it which is why he went back to school and I joined him for what a worthless 2 years it was.

[stressed]

Is there a possibility that your families could financially help you a bit to get your own place and marry? Not that you have to rush marriage, but if you both want this a lot, then maybe your families could help you a little in some way, it is not uncommon.

[Guest]

Not possible.
My family is so far in debt it's not even funny. We just had to sell one of our classic cars to help us get out of debt because it was either sell the car or lose the house. My parents are also paying for my stupid school that was so not worth the money.
His parents, well, they're a little better off than mine are even though they are basically taking care of two families, their own, and his oldest brother's family because he can't keep money long enough to save his life.

I'm not wanting to get married right now simply for the fact we don't live together. I'm not worried about being married or anything right now, as explained multiple times before. I just wish things could be more stable with us and our families even though his is completely happy for us. I just want it official, that's it. As in an OFFICIAL engagement instead of the weird one we have going right now.

Like said, I just needed to vent. I'm not super worried about any of it right now.