[Wondering2]

My partner and I used to go to a lovely community in southern California for the first five years of our seven-year relationship. We probably fell in love there playing near the ocean together. My partner's parents are deceased, as are mine, and the friends we used to stay with were the closest thing to family my partner still has. About two years ago, we had a fight while we were out there. Because other people were visiting, I had to sleep on a weird wooden thing, and I woke up in excruciating pain. I hobbled to a nearby coffee shop where I knew my partner would eventually join me. I asked if we could somehow arrange other sleeping accomodations, that I absolutely had to, and how could we do this, when my partner's family/friends were so absorbed right then in their own deal? Well, my partner started yelling at me, that I was calling the friends selfish, etc, and I freaked out, had a severe emotional reaction, walked away from the car, said I was going home, etc. We worked that one out, but since then I have never been invited back to this beach community with my partner, who has visited several times a year since then. Now I find out that my partner took a mutual friend of ours over there, then didn't tell me, then lied about it and asked the friend to lie. I don't understand what is going on. I have tried to be patient with this situation, but don't understand why I have been excluded in this way. My partner says they don't understand why it is a big deal. But it has been a source of emotional pain to me for two years now. Should I just forget about it and get on with our everyday lives together, which overall are pretty pleasant, or should I consider breaking up over the exclusion and the lies?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think you will find it is a bit more than that..

Firstly, where did your partner sleep? Why did you walk away to a coffee shop?

To him they are the closest thing to family to which you stated. But, your actions, may have shown that you were peeved that you didn't have the usual bed, due to the fact they had other visitors, you walked off in the morning, away from them and waited for your partner to turn up.

That to them is a snup. As, aposed to waking up, in pain, saying your alright, but ouch.. and had coffee with them, being included, and part of that family.

I think you distanced yourself and as such they have distanced you.

If, your partner hasn't taken you back since but lies, and takes others then maybe there is a bit of a break down in your relationship full stop...

Do you get upset over little things?

A relationship shouldn't be "Pleasant" it should be happy, together, sharing and communicating, one should not exclude the other but stand by them and try to solve the problem...

CW

[WildChild]

You certainly need to clear this up. If your partner didn't think this was a big deal, then why the lies? You say that the two of you worked out that fight two years ago but it doesn't sound like they really let go of it. Sit her down in a non emotional time and talk about it. Explain why this concerns and hurts you. See if you can't get some sense of the feelings and rational behind this behavior. If you can't be honest with each other, how much longer can this last?

[stressed]

Maybe he felt offended or embarrassed that day, so he both wants to go there but not hurt you by telling you "you can't come with me". He didn't want to go alone so he invited your mutual friend, yet he knew such a thing would hurt you so he asked his friend to lie about it. Maybe he knows it means a lot to you hence he lied about it. Maybe he doesn't want to go without you either, but his family pressures him into going but at the same time he doesn't want another similar scene to take place.

All this is a bunch of "maybe"s here, a lie is a lie and he might have done that for any reason. You have to have a serious discussion about this, as I don't see how this can work with him going without you every time without you feeling hurt. Maybe you can arrange something else together so that you can both go and this time show everyone that what happened then was nothing serious and you want to be there as much as he does.

If this gathering means a lot to him then I think you have to join him when he goes there, so that he and the whole family include you in this special bond. If you end up married and have children he will want his children there too, and he can't be going alone with them every time, as that would isolate you, in a sense, both from him and his family.

p.s. I don't know if your partner is a "he" or a "she", but I just used the common pronoun "he" for any case.