[LadyH13]

My husband and I got married less than a year ago. He cheated on my with his best friend's girlfriend. The affair lasted a little over a month. He told me about it and although we went through a really bumpy period where he wasn't even sure he wanted to be married to me and was convinced he loved her and we even took some time apart for about a week. We started going to counseling as soon as he told me about it. He kept flip-flopping as to whether or not he could give her up. Finally when we took some time apart he decided he wanted to be with only me. He wanted to remain friends with this woman which I shot down immediately. If he wanted to be with me he needed to tell her they could not be friends and not talk anymore. He was able to do this but for some reason insisted on keeping her as a facebook friend. Again I wanted this woman completely out of our lives and so he finally agreed to take her off facebook. I don't want to go into all the details because it would take to long and what I really need some advice on is my feelings but I thinkg you should know that I have in the past been unfaithful in other relationships, and that this is his only affair ever. I'd like to address 2 things that I'm struggling with currently as we go down this road.

1. He tells me he doesn't ever want to cheat on me again, but he can't promise that because none of us knows what the future holds. I have a real problem with this statement. I certaintly believe that we can be put into situations where there is temptation but I know that I can promise never to cheat on him and I won't. Its a choice not a circumstance in my opinion. If you don't want to cheat on someone then you don't. In the past when I cheated on other people I knew it was wrong, I knew why I was doing it, and I chose to do it regardless of the consequences. So in my mind their is always a choice which therefore means he can indeed promise me he will never cheat again because that a choice he is making. Any thoughts on this?

2. I'm struggling a great deal with my feelings, I feel like when we have good days I'm almost looking to for something to be bad, a phone call to an unknown number or an email from someone he shouldn't be talking to. Like if he is doing what I've asked somehow I'm not fully satisfied. I know that part of it is trust and that it will take time to build trust again. I also know part of it is just how my own mind works. The part that worries me is that I feel like when we have a good day its like I'm giving him a free pass. Like everything is forgotten and things can get back to normal. I think this worries and scares me because normal is how we ended up here in the first place and things need to be worked on so we don't land here again. I also feel like somehow by having a good day I'm letting him off the hook and that there are no consequences for what he did, which again leads to the fear that this will happen again. So I guess I'm asking for any advice that you all have to offer as to how I handle these feelings in a productive way instead of just getting upset.

I of course don't believe in the statement once a cheater always a cheater because I have had indisgressions in other relationships and I know that I will never do that again. Where I do believe cheating is a choice I also believe that people make mistakes and so long as they are will to take responsibility and learn from those mistakes so they do not repeat them then I am willing to forgive and move forward. I was so badly to move forward but somehow I feel like I'm the one standing in the way of that happening because I can't stop thinking about what happened and worrying that he's not telling me the truth and that this will happen again.

Any advice anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.
Thank U
LadyH

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to the Forum LadyH.

I'm glad that you acknowledge that you made an error, and have learnt from it.

So, in that though, you have to understand "why" you personally did it..

So, in that, did you question your then Fiance, "why" he felt he wanted and loved this woman and why he was sceptical to go ahead with a wedding with you? Did you get the answers?

I personally, think that you understood what you did, and so you accepted what he did, and married.

However, you forgive yourself but you can't forgive him.

Look back at yourself, look back at that time and why. Look back at him, look back at that time and why. Have you fixed those problems together? Or, is it just "don't cheat" and now you live in fear?

If you want to believe that it won't happen again, then you have to establish what went wrong to start with and fix it, together..

Walking around always worried, accusing, looking, wondering, is going to have an affect naturally on this marriage. Not saying your doing all of those but most of them at least.

Remember, you went ahead with the wedding. Like an affair which takes two, so does getting married. So in that you have to go ahead with no doubts, fears and make it happen and work.. If it doesn't then maybe you made a mistake, marrying, both of you.

And if that occured, then you know there is someone else out there and as much as we all go, yeah right but I love him... That someone else always shines brighten when they appear and we are clear with what we want and don't want out of life.

Give it your all, or forget it...

CW

[stressed]

If I understood this correctly, he cheated on you after you got married to him, which is shocking. I also don't understand what his best friend did with his girlfriend. He either never found out (and your husband lied both to you and his best friend) or he found out and something else happened, which didn't concern your husband at all. He lied to his best friend and his wife over another woman.

You were right about not wanting her in his life as a friend or even on facebook. That wouldn't be a friendship at all. It is also something very difficult to forgive, considering how newly married you are. I wonder what his excuse was for cheating on you and what made him believe that he loved her instead of you. Also, one week is not enough time to decide who he wanted to be with.

1. He has already cheated once and got away with it for a whole month. He told you about it because he thought he loved that woman and was considering leaving you for her. Since he went through this emotional situation and "made it" he cannot promise it won't happen again. He sees it as a possibility of it happening to anyone. He thinks it's common to fall in love with another person, cheat, and then return home to safety. You've forgiven him so he might think you can forgive him again if it happens in the future. Cheating doesn't just happen, you have to want it to happen. What I see is a man who would do it again, given the appropriate circumstances, and then expect your forgiveness because "these things happen to everyone". I wonder if you really want to build your future, you life and your future family with this man.

2. I understand what you are saying. When you have a good day then something in the back of your head tells you "he takes this as if I've forgotten what he did". When you have a bad day, you argue again and again over what he did but, but it doesn't lead anywhere and doesn't make you feel any better. You want him to know that what he did is wrong but you don't feel he has regretted it enough, that it wasn't such a big deal to him and he expects you to get over it. You want him to feel the same pain he's made you feel, but that is impossible.

You have to rebuild your trust from zero. He has to be open about everything and everyone for quite some time, until you feel confident about your relationship again. Him saying he cannot promise he won't cheat again does not help you gain his trust. It creates question marks in your head and doubts. Maybe counseling can help you both with this, and you can figure out why he is not sure that he won't cheat again. What was it that made him cheat in the first place. What was he missing.

I don't know when he cheated on you, how long it has been and if he has changed much since then. But you have to make the decision of either putting this behind you and fully trusting him again, or that you can never trust him again and leave him. You cannot sit on the fence for too long, it will destroy you.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you are dealing with not only his cheating, but the his actually thinking he might not want to be with you, debating whether or not to leave this girl on his facebook, wanting to be friends with her... etc.

If he cheated, told you, begged your forgiveness it would still be hard to forget... but him almost leaving you, you having to fight him to let go of her hold on him as a friend etc... ack... talk about him adding insult to injury.

I think more than the cheating, the way he handled it has lead to some resentment on your part, and rightfully so.

But... thats not going to move you guys forward. His statement he can't promise he won't cheat is ludacrious. He can. He can make a commitment to you that if he has a temptation so great he is unable to resist that he will come to you first and ask you for a seperation, that he will be honest with himself and you that he cannot, forwhatever reason, commit to this marriage. And then go off and do whatever it is he wants to do... but not at your expense... not while you sit and wait and be faithful to him.

I think a lot more communication has to happen, I think marriage counseling could benefit you both. I think that if you really do want to make this marriage work you are going to have to forgive him - for yourself more than him. The weight you are carrying on your back holding on to his is not healthy.

[LadyH13]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. To clarify for Chandlers Wish we were married for about 6 months when he cheated 2gether for over 5 years total. Again thank you to everyone who responded a lot of what you've said really hit home and expressed how I am feeling. Also we are currently in counseling I just wanted a little extra advice so thank you for providing that.
Lady H

[PandaPaws]

2. I'm struggling a great deal with my feelings, I feel like when we have good days I'm almost looking to for something to be bad, a phone call to an unknown number or an email from someone he shouldn't be talking to. Like if he is doing what I've asked somehow I'm not fully satisfied. I know that part of it is trust and that it will take time to build trust again. I also know part of it is just how my own mind works. The part that worries me is that I feel like when we have a good day its like I'm giving him a free pass. Like everything is forgotten and things can get back to normal. I think this worries and scares me because normal is how we ended up here in the first place and things need to be worked on so we don't land here again. I also feel like somehow by having a good day I'm letting him off the hook and that there are no consequences for what he did, which again leads to the fear that this will happen again. So I guess I'm asking for any advice that you all have to offer as to how I handle these feelings in a productive way instead of just getting upset.

Wow, I can really relate to the above quote, and it was nice to read the response below. I have really struggled with moving on, and I feel I am the one ruining our relationship now. If I can't trust him, I know I have to leave. It is so hard

2. I understand what you are saying. When you have a good day then something in the back of your head tells you "he takes this as if I've forgotten what he did". When you have a bad day, you argue again and again over what he did but, but it doesn't lead anywhere and doesn't make you feel any better. You want him to know that what he did is wrong but you don't feel he has regretted it enough, that it wasn't such a big deal to him and he expects you to get over it. You want him to feel the same pain he's made you feel, but that is impossible.

You have to rebuild your trust from zero. He has to be open about everything and everyone for quite some time, until you feel confident about your relationship again. Him saying he cannot promise he won't cheat again does not help you gain his trust. It creates question marks in your head and doubts. Maybe counseling can help you both with this, and you can figure out why he is not sure that he won't cheat again. What was it that made him cheat in the first place. What was he missing.

I don't know when he cheated on you, how long it has been and if he has changed much since then. But you have to make the decision of either putting this behind you and fully trusting him again, or that you can never trust him again and leave him. You cannot sit on the fence for too long, it will destroy you.