[wishfulthinker]

i kinda understnd wot ur sayin...

despite the issue at hand.. there are times wen i give in often.. wen i overlook disappointments .. i feel like im second priority to a lot of things.. thts not hw i wish things to be.. i knw i cnt hav everything i wish.. but i feel sometimes i do deserve somethn..

[PJhavinfunagain]

You need to respect yourself and not put yourself second. The #1thing my relationship like this did for me was to make me wake up and start living my life for me. I let go and moved on. It was the hardest thing I had ever been through. I am proud that I got through at and became a stronger woman.

[wishfulthinker]

a lot of bad things happened the past week... i caught lies, and had proof enuf to shut his mouth. there is no "another" woman involved.. but a lot of sex dating websites.. weird porn, he also looked up hookers. i dont mind the porn i guess, but everything else makes me sick. i broke up with him.. i knew i cant deal with this and also if this is happenein in 2yrs.. it will happen again obviously. he begged.. and called, mailed, waited on me.. all the shakespearean .. he said he cant afford to lose me.. and that he knows he has problems.. but i am the only girl he has ever loved and wants to spend his whole life wid me. i remained strong and said i cant trust him anymore. but today somehow i found myself agreeing wen he said he wants one last chance.

his explanation was that he didnt do all that on purpose.. he was just killing time. so crappy excuse. he says he wants to marry me and start a family in future, "like our parents who are happy with restrictions" wot was THAT ?!

and also he said he thot it wasnt disloyalty.. he was just looking, not doing anyone. i was thinking, he gous out to town with his guy friends all the time.. every weekend atleast.. stays overnight. i never had doubts.. but now im thinkin how do i know ? he is a person who values money, despite other things. . and its his fav lines "money is amazing, theres nothing too expensive" "i ll make u a deal u wont be able to refuse" "honey lying isnt a problem, its about how u hide it" .. these r part of our casual conversations.. now wen i look back.. they make me sick.

also i feel sick and confused thinkin how can i be so bloody weak ? i was supposed to let go.. i did.. i dnknw y im bck wid him.. even wen he looks into my eyes and says important stuff that always used to bring me to tears and warm me with peace inside.. now makes me look down at it as fake . i miss the old Him that wooed me that protected me.. i miss all the good times so badly i dun knw wot to do. if i shud really let go.. plz give me some words of strength.. my mum asks abt him everytime she calls.. our friends look up at us as the ideal couple.. his mum calls me every fortnight to see if im doin okay... i dun knw wot to do. everyhting was so perfect.. why did this happen

[CHANDLERS WISH]

"honey lying isnt a problem, its about how u hide it"

Ghaaaa, I definately don't like that quote.. It's like, I can do what I want in life, and never get caught, money actually is the route of all evil, sounds as if he thinks he is indestructable but here is the thing, he's not.

He lives life as if there is no tomorrow, nothing can hurt him.

He has an addictive personality, he drinks, smokes, smokes dope, watches porn, all addictive substances or habits...

This man needs a reality check on what life is really all about, that he can not take as many risks as he takes in life, or he will loose.

He also needs a kick up the butt To realise that people are important, life is important and both needed to be treated with respect.

I wrote on another thread to a post you made, he needs to ween himself off his addictions one by one, but here your also showing that he doesn't value anything, everything is there for his taking in life.

CW

[JadedQueen]

It's either one of two things.....
Either he's scared at how vunerable he is with you because it sounds like he let you in leaving him in a very vunerable position and one that he probably hasn't experienced so he's trying to revert back to what he is familiar with to kinda self sabatoge so to speak....

OR.... old habits die hard and he's either not willing to be loyal to just one woman or not able to.

[wishfulthinker]

thank u CW and JQ.. i value ur words.. i feel so alone thru this.. but knowin u ladies would help me with advice.. i feel better.. i cant talk abt ths to my mum, she'd be so hurt.. she really likes him as "the lost kid".. i guess she'd be sad to c how lost he really is.. n tht i am too now.

there was a point i knw he loved me very much.. just that it kills me tht he simply likes all his addictive habits. its not about "which woman" for me.. its more about tht "he needed to do it"... i ve loved him deeply.. i know now i need to let go, but i just dont know how. he's the only man i ve ever had.. n i guess i wont be able to trust again, much less love. he's clinging to me since the fights. we're (seemingly) calm now.. but im strung up inisde, cant let go of all the things i discovered, stuff that i never evn imagined i 'd hav to go thru. its like an ugly video in my mind playin constantly.

i need time i guess.. but now i knw i 'll never be able to marry him.. and thats shattering enuf :'(

[wishfulthinker]

we had a difficult time last couplemonths.. because back in april this yr i found out he had registrations on online sex dating sites... we discussedit a lot.. even though i tried to break up many times... he refused to quit on "us" and talked me into staying.. promised tht it wud never happen again.. and tht he did that only for the pictures.. it made not much sense.. but i stayed back.. i love him very much. we finished business school. he got a great job down south.. and he's going away. we mutually broke up today... because i told him i dont expect him to be loyal to me while he is miles far away from me... he said he wanted to be with me.. and asked me go with him. i told him i want it to.. but i cant just tag along.. tht too without a job.. i looked for ajob HERE because we always planned on staying here.. and i wanted to be with him and gave up opportunities of going away to other cities even tho i cud ve been doing a lot better. . now he is going away... i dont know y it hurt... even tho im happy for him..

i cnt live without him.. but i knw i cnt trust him... there are just too many memories... i dont know wot to do... i knw he has loved me.. even tho his priorities and values are poles apart than mine. he is the practical realist saying "sex is not synonymous with love to me.. i love u not just for the sex but because u understand me... sex with others has no meaning to me.." i was always the small town dreamer.. knowing i would have only one man in my life.. have his kids, his commitment.. n b happy. but money is important to him... he let me go today.. and i thought i did too... but i cant breathe now.. n i feel so bitter.. that the only man i ever loved.. who always said he loved me themost... is now absolutely unfazed... i dont knw wot to do... its killing me...

[Hopeless Dork]

This is I have a problem when guys use porn and say "why are you mad, its not like i have emotional feelings for it like I do you, its just sexual"... its not a far cry from there to a "I can seperate sex from love" ... because that is essentially what they are doing. If he can detach emotions from sex, which many people can... and prides his self in his ability to do so he's essentially putting it out there that yeah, i may have sex with someone else but I won't love them like I do you. Yeah, thanks buddy... not all that comforting.

I think you did the right thing in staying in town and not following him. I think going there you would be fully dependent on him without a job which would lead him to be able to pull even more stunts that hurt you knowing walking out would be harder than ever before.

He's not ready for a relationship. He loves you, he wants to be with you... but he doesn't want ONLY you and there in lies the problem. It is a self-esteem ax-murderer to stay with someone that is always seeking more, despite what they already have.

It'll make you doubt yourself and your worth when it has nothing to do with you, its just him and his unfillable void that he can't seem to quench.

I know your hurt to the pit of your core right now, I know no one here can say a thing that can take away the hurt and seperation anxiety you feel. That is why you went back to him the first time you broke up. Not because you thought he was actually going to change... but simply because you couldn't take the heartache of the break up any more and needed to ease that pain... even if it meant getting back into a destructive relationship that would just cause further pain down the road.

But now you have distance in your favor. It will not be so easy to make ammends with him being so far... it will give you room to put some space between you and him where you have room to wake up from the cloudy infactuation and see your situation for what it is. To look at it from the outside without emotions and ask yourself if a friend came to you and told you everything you know about your boyfriend what advice would you give her? How would you tell her to move on?

Sometimes we see things in others and say , honey... you don't deserve that, you're better than that. But then when it comes to ourselves we are not as kind. Re-read your words here. Write more. Think more about all the things he's ever done to hurt you (as painful as they are) and let that be the catalyst to you finally saying ... enough. Becoming brave, ripping the band-aid off and set forth towards healing and finding yourself.