[wishfulthinker]

i hav a boyfriend of 2yrs. im 22, he is 26. this is my first relationship. he has had a shady past, like havin multiple partners, and payin ****s, drinking, doping etc. it took him time, but he told me all ths stuff abt himself..somethin i knw he has never done. i ve met his family, spoken often, and our families knw we want to get married.

recently i found out he was talkin to this random girl latenights on yahoo chat. they exchanged phone numbers and pics. i was mad. it hurt. i talked it over with him, n he denied anything bad saying he just met her, and they talked thats it.. that "she" called him, and they spoke once, thats all. i almost broke up.. but he begged for one chance saying, "i didnt have any intention to hurt u.. u were in my mind always." i dont knw... we're together still... but it snapped somethin in me.

soon, i found out tht he has registered online on some weird websites like hornymatches.com and adultfriendfinder etc. he has fake profiles there with not his own name, and i dont exactly knw wot these websites serve but they said online sex dating? is this something he does for porn ? or is it to meet real ppl to make fck friends.

im really bothered. i hav trusted him and loved deeply. i dream of him stupidly, want to spend my life with him, hav his kids and grow old wid hm.. its silly but i do love him very much.. and dont want to lose him. i knw he loves me, but is this serious ?? i cant deal wid someone who cant be loyal to me. please tell me something.... im off my mind. i cnt spy on him. makes no point if i cant trust him and he cant earn it.

[WildChild]

Put any ideas of marriage on the shelf. He is certainly skirting the line if not actually crossing it. You need this completely resolved before you move anyplace with this relationship. Let him know with no ifs, ands, or buts that this behavior must stop - permanently. What ever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY THIS MAN.

[Hopeless Dork]

The two websites you mention are for casual sex meet ups, cam sex/phone sex hook ups etc... some people use it for affairs, some use it just for cybering, fantasy, roleplaying -- with no intention of meeting the people .

Unlike porn, these are people where the intent is mostly to make it a reality and not just a fantasy. Emotions can become involved etc, aside from the ones there that are 'pro's'.

In agreement with WC, do NOT marry this man, not right now... sounds like he is not completely ready for commitment... the advice to not get pregnant is also priceless... please make sure you are protected so that you do not get in deeper than you already are at this point.

Whether or not you consider what he is doing as cheating depends on your bounderies, every couple has their own set of them. You guys need to communicate what each of you feels is appropriate and respectful to each other.

But the fact that he is seeking interaction with others, be it online or flirting with the idea of real life meet ups shows he is not too satisfied with being completely committed to you. He's either just plain selfish, immature, or feels he has some oats to sew.

You can buckle down on the comp, you can go through all his things... but it won't benefit you as if he is feeling like he needs to experience other people, he'll find a way to do it.

How does he treat you outside of all this stuff? Do you feel special to him? Loved? Does he show you respect around other females? How is your sex life, are you getting your needs met? Is he? Are you guys affectionate? Do you communicate your feelings?

Just trying to get a feel for what he may be looking for in doing this, if something is geniunly missing for him, or if he just isn't ready to be 'tied down'?

[wishfulthinker]

hi WC and HD..

thank u fr replying... i was never into men. i met this guy at business school... and we became good friends... he is like me in many ways.. funny, open, unconventional, and values freedom. i was never interested into relationships... i always wanted to travel and live life by my own standards.. and sex was never a part of it.

couple months after we met.. he asked me out.. as in moving beyond friendship.. i felt i wasnt ready.. so i told him. he was patient. we continued as friends... about 3 months later.. i said yes, and we started a relationship.

he is loving. he is a cancerian by zodiac.. and cares. i knw stuff abt him.. and i knw he has been the i-dont-care-i-will-do-what-i-want kinda person. he has never let himself genuinely feel for anyone. i found access into his 2 email accs recently (without his knowledge ofcourse) and i went thru all his archived chats with his friends... right from 2007.. till now (god this sounds horrible, i hate having spied on him since that episode.. but i HAVE put a lot of time and effort into this relationship ) from the time we didnt know each other - there wer slight mention of other girls... but since the time he fell for me... there was not a single mention of me.. not in the obscene sense.. only if some mutual friend asked abt how "she" is.. and i'd find my name there saying she is fine..

despite being a bit on the selfish side.. i can tell he cares for me. little things have proven it. even tho i ve been disappointed a few times... but over all.. he's been supportive. he respects me.. whenevr we go out he holds hands... its silly i knw.. but he is the kinda person against public displays of affection.. so ths is pretty much a big deal coming frm him. i was a virgin, until he happened. the first time we were "together" he was pretty rough... verbally, and kinda forcing... but over time... he has been drastically gentle. there hav been little realisation on his part abt knowing me... and we hav discussed feelings regularly.. im expressive, he isnt so much. but he is straightforward... and i knw how he was in the past.. i can tell the changes there hav been. he never wanted to get married. i never wanted to think of it. but in all our time he has been the one to talk abt it. . and to talk abt kids... which was pretty shocking for me.. but in a good way.

he is a realist. im the dreamer kind. we live in circumstances where its not possible for us to spend time "together" that much... but the last time were together, he was excessively gentle, and caring towards my needs... when i had met him, he was rustic. but now he is so much more considerate.. and almost sobered. he is clingy sometimes, but not forcing.. we never fight much. except wen we have little communication gaps. and then we always sort it out. the last month has been difficult.. all this happened, also we re abt to finish mba and theres a lot of pressure. so we havent been spending much time together unlike college time wen me met everyday, sat together in class everyday and talked incessantly.

also, i knw in the past 2yrs.. he hasnt had another woman except me. he tells me everything. and is pretty honest.. and i always thot he was the loyal type (now tht he feels committed to me.. and says stuff like "i cnt afford to lose u.. ur very important and i cud never tell u how much u ve changed me"

but then this happened (the stuff in my previous post) it turned my world upside down. we re careful.. its been less than a year since we consummated. no pregnancy issues. one simple thing tht proves to me he wants me.. is introducing me to his folks. he has never done that before. he's compassionate, understanding, humorous... and always thinks abt other ppl, if they would feel bad because f something he does. just tht sometimes i feel taken for granted... and he says.. "i never want to hurt u... but i just thought u wud understand." i dont nag him ever ... but tht doesnt mean i dont hav feelings. sometimes these little things bog me down.. i get exhausted. but wen i see his face the next day... i fall back in love. and i can tell so does he aftr each of our fights.

but this time has been different. im ferociously nun-like in loyalty-matters. im a capricorn. n i dont even think abt other men. this is all i ever wanted of him too....

wen i asked abt his registrations on those sex dating sites.. he lied outrightly.. saying they re old. but they wer not. they happened around the same time he met that lady on yahoo chat. i dont knw wot to do. there is jsut so much to think already... and now this whole thing is killing me. i m not able to concentrate on my work... n im just simply scared. i really like him.

srry for the long post. i needed to talk desperately, and im too ashamed and boggled to talk to someone i personally knw

[wishfulthinker]

HD... i forgot tht part. yes he is very satisfied. we talk openly abt our needs, likes and dislikes.. and we experiment a lot which is pretty awesome.. the sex is great. just that its not very often. cause we re in college and their r restrictions.

[PJhavinfunagain]

from experience I can tell you to walk a very careful line. Him exchanging #
s and chatting can lead to heartache. I went thru this with a guy that said he adored me and wanted to make me happy did lot's of nice things for me but in the end he was not ready to settle down. He raked me over the coals emotionally. It was not fun!

[wishfulthinker]

i cn imagine. . . i dnt knw wot to expect in my case tho

[whit4488]

he is unhappy with your relationship in some form or way, is insecure with himself and is seeking attention he is not getting from you or your relationship. find out what that attention is he is wanting, and give try to give it to him. my ex was like that, we tried to work thru it, but i was too hurt and too far beyond damage to repair, i could never trust him again it was always in the back of my mind.and after 3 years, i left and found someone new who would never set eyes on another woman. dont settle for anything less than what you feel you deserve.

[wishfulthinker]

i try to give.. i knw i ll give more if thts wot he needs. i dnt want to let this go without a fight. . thnk u for the words.. knwing they come frm someone who understands and has been thru stuff.. means a lot :')

[prawnprincess]

I hate to say it, but a lot of guys with shady pasts stay shady. If you can't trust him after 2 years and he lies right to your face when you confront him, I would be worried. I know it feels good when a tough guy opens up, tells his past, introduces his parents, but sometimes when it's a tough/older/"bad boy" guy, we unconsciously lower our standards and delude ourselves. By staying with him you are basically sending the message that he can do whatever he wants and you will stay. Would you be happy like this?

(Doesn't it make you feel sick? My first serious boyfriend was kind of like that- I was 23, he was 29 and divorced with a daughter. He didn't cheat or anything, but he was always trying to take shortcuts in life and blame things on other people. He was a bit controlling, too. For me it only got better once I finally had the resolve to end it with him.)