[portlandluv]

Hi everyone!...

Here's my problem. I've been married to my husband for 5 years now. He's great... he's sweet, funny, smart, responsible, loyal, etc. etc... He's really quite a catch. Unfortunetely weve never clicked in bed. I've always been really adventurous (and yes maybe abit kinky and thoroughly enjoyed sex, but now, with him, I find myself not even wanting to do it. The only way I can even get into the idea is if I think about some one else, which makes me feel like an a-hole. I did at one point awhile ago confess to the problems I was having with him, he got really upset and swore up and down that he would try to be more like I wanted, but nothing ever changed. It's still the same blah pounding away that I can't stand.

Heres where it gets really bad. We have this friend (from way back) that I've devloped a crush on. He's all the things my husband is, but he's got that sexual vibe that my husband is missing. He comes and hangs out once every couple weeks or so and we've been flirting a little bit. I'm not going to cheat on my husband and the friend wouldn't do that to him, so that's not really thre issue. We haven't talked about it or any thing, it's just one of those things that your both aware of but isn't obvious... chemistry I guess. Lol, I think I had forgotten what that feels like. I know it's not completely innocent but neither of us would act on it. But here's the thing... I've always felt like if you're looking at someone else, clearly something in your own relationship is messed up. I've never cheated on anyone (yes really), but I have dumped people when my interest has wandered. I definitely care about my husband, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. We've had our problems (only a few though) and I wonder if it's just run its course. I don't know what to do. I don't want things to end with my husband, but I can't stand the thought of a lifetime of boredom and disatissfaction. I feel really guilty for even thinking about someone else. I really need some advice.

[jns]

Have you communicated your desires for a more adventurous sex life to your husband? If you did, did you do it by saying what you would like to do or try instead of hinting about it? Do you want to be totally in love with your husband again?

As for the friend, if you want to cheat on your husband, keep him around and maybe you will cheat with him. Both of you were flirting and maybe he isn't as strong and loyal as you think. Otherwise, having him around is too much stress on a fragile relationship. Ask him to not come over for a while.

Be introspective of your own part of your sex life as well as your husband's and determine what you think is boring and what you are dissatisfied with. Communicate the results of your inquiry to your husband. Come up with realistic changes that can be made and alter them to accommodate your husband's input.

[WildChild]

What happens if you take the initiative and lead him in doing something different?

[rcoreyus]

A difficult situation. As time goes on, the friend may come to represent the perfect lover that you want but can't have. If you did have an affair, you might find that he doesn't live up to your imaginations - probably.

You need to decide if you can tolerate a life of boring sex. If not, then you need to fix the situation quickly or leave. Be aware though that "the grass is always greener" is a concept that many people have discovered is really true.

Do you think your husband doesn't want to do things to please you, or maybe doesn't know how? This is an important distinction. If he just doesn't really know what to do - or is embarrassed, then you can gradually teach him what you like. If he doesn't care, that is a different problem. If he only likes "boring" sex, then that may not get better either.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship - so don't try to just get by with the way things are. How is your relationship other than sex?

[portlandluv]

Have you communicated your desires for a more adventurous sex life to your husband? If you did, did you do it by saying what you would like to do or try instead of hinting about it? Do you want to be totally in love with your husband again?

Thanks for the reply. I have talked to him. I tried being subtle at first and that didn't work, so I told him exactly what I liked. He said he'd try to do some more things, but it kind of spoils it if he's not really into it, you know? I would LOVE to be in love with him again! How do I do that??? That fluttery feeling is just gone, though I do care about him and probably always will.

As for the friend, if you want to cheat on your husband, keep him around and maybe you will cheat with him. Both of you were flirting and maybe he isn't as strong and loyal as you think. Otherwise, having him around is too much stress on a fragile relationship. Ask him to not come over for a while.

I don't want to cheat, but I'm honestly afraid of what would happen if the stars aligned, so to speak. I don't want to ask him not to come around because we haven't talked about this outright. I think (maybe I'm wrong about this) that it's better not to drag it out into the open. He is a good friend aside from this and I don't want to lose that. And, what if it's all me? Maybe he's really not flirting, I don't know 100% for sure.

Be introspective of your own part of your sex life as well as your husband's and determine what you think is boring and what you are dissatisfied with. Communicate the results of your inquiry to your husband. Come up with realistic changes that can be made and alter them to accommodate your husband's input.

But what if he just isn't into the idea of changing anything? He's perfectly content with our sex life. It's me that's having the problem. I've offered to fulfill pretty much whatever fantasy he has, but he just isn't into it.

[portlandluv]

A difficult situation. As time goes on, the friend may come to represent the perfect lover that you want but can't have. If you did have an affair, you might find that he doesn't live up to your imaginations - probably.

You need to decide if you can tolerate a life of boring sex. If not, then you need to fix the situation quickly or leave. Be aware though that "the grass is always greener" is a concept that many people have discovered is really true.

Do you think your husband doesn't want to do things to please you, or maybe doesn't know how? This is an important distinction. If he just doesn't really know what to do - or is embarrassed, then you can gradually teach him what you like. If he doesn't care, that is a different problem. If he only likes "boring" sex, then that may not get better either.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship - so don't try to just get by with the way things are. How is your relationship other than sex?

He wants to please me, yes. But, one-sided sex that he's not that into is not going to be any better than what we're doing now. I thought I could kind of ease him into things and coax him along, but he's just so, I don't know, whatever about it. I don't know how to access the naughty parts of his brain. He says they don't exist.

Other than the sex everything is good. We rarely fight and when we do it's over quickly. No kids, thank god. Our life is pretty stress free, actually. Maybe that's part of the reason this problem is so noticeable.

[portlandluv]

What happens if you take the initiative and lead him in doing something different?

Initiative isn't the problem. It's the interest. He'll bang away at me regardless, and I'll still be bored because it's basically all the same with him... kiss, maybe some oral, bang bang bang. kiss some more. cuddle. flowery words.

Yuck.

[herbie]

i am a 45 year old male 21 years happily married ....my perspective .......i would show him this forum your thread..... tell him it is very important to you that he read your comments and the comments of others ... i will tell you this foresure if my wife felt like you do and told me i would do everything possible to keep her happy cause i love and want her 100 percent happy .this seems very serious to me........ i got your message Loud and Clear your bored in the bedroom.....if he reads your thread and doesn,t get the message do what you have to do BUT don,t cheat on your marriage .........ps don,t be scared to let him read your mention of the thought of an affair i have a feeling once he hears that he is going to become your nasty superman in bed ...........good luck

[Maximus]

A difficult situation. As time goes on, the friend may come to represent the perfect lover that you want but can't have. If you did have an affair, you might find that he doesn't live up to your imaginations - probably.

You need to decide if you can tolerate a life of boring sex. If not, then you need to fix the situation quickly or leave. Be aware though that "the grass is always greener" is a concept that many people have discovered is really true.

Do you think your husband doesn't want to do things to please you, or maybe doesn't know how? This is an important distinction. If he just doesn't really know what to do - or is embarrassed, then you can gradually teach him what you like. If he doesn't care, that is a different problem. If he only likes "boring" sex, then that may not get better either.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship - so don't try to just get by with the way things are. How is your relationship other than sex?

It's probably safer to assume that he does not live up to the expectation.
Because if he does or worse blows your mind, the situation would reach another level of complication.

All in all, like said the quality of a marriage/relationship needs to take into account the quality of sex.
You might consider engaging a tantric-type of relation. There are several benefits: giving you a new playground, while keeping you away from the "linear pounding".

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So you aren't sexually compatible, he sounds like he has never explored, knows the basic and uses words to "try" to stimulate.

Shy?

Morals?

Beliefs?

But you say you want to LOVE him like you did at the beginning, so you accepted the non-sexual intimacy of imagination, adventure with him before you married? Or he did a few things then, that led you to believe maybe he would go down that path?

And, my love you say "neither of you would go down that path, your just flirting", WRONG What's missing people will need and try to replace, one day and justify their reasons. You haven't talked about it, so you really don't know that given a situation he won't press your button.

CW