[Hopeless Dork]

If she's lonely after just 2 months thinking she needs another man to rid the lonlieness, she's not the right person for you.

She can get a pet for something to cuddle and pet, she spend time with her family and girlfriends for social interaction to not feel lonely, she can masturbate for sexual satiation and she can take up a hobby to pass the time without feeling bored.

Theres just no excuse for cheating on a husband because he's on a tour of duty and your "lonely". If after only 2 months she can't handle it, I don't see this looking very well for you guys at all unless you set up some bounderies and she is willing to stick to them.

You have too much to worry about to have your mind filled with who she's trying to pass the time with... she needs to understand that and support you. Is she isolated? Do you have friends in the service with you that she can perhaps be introduced to their wives so that she can get some support from women going through exactly what she is?

Perhaps they can give her some guidence on how to get through the lonliness without seeking out another man.

[Ashlee T.]

This is not right. Not even close to being right. She is your wife, she made a commitment and it seems as though to some extent you feel you owe her something for having to be deployed. So you've convinced yourself that because your deployed, she shouldn't have to be without male companionship? Is it okay with her if you have some "female companionship"?

And why did she send you a pic of some guy in your truck? That's RIDONKULUS!!

New marriage, old marriage, ANY marriage....this is NOT good. I'd like to say to her "What is your husband to you, just someone to fill a space? And then when he can't be at your beck and call while he's serving his country, you have to find someone to take his space?" Good grief.

Getting mad isn't productive. I'll say that. But at the same time, I think it's time you got a little fed up. Get fed up...because what she's doing is totally unacceptable.

[Little]

Some women are not cut out to be military wives. (Myself included!)
But that does not make it right for her to cheat on you (that's what she's doing!)
If it bothers you, don't give her "permission" to do it, which I am assuming from your first post you kind of did. And if you don't want her to do it in the future, TELL her (as WildChild said, in plain words that can't be misunderstood) not to do it! Certainly, you can't stop her physically, but if she's the great wife you paint her to be, she will not want to hurt you, and that should be reason enough.

[sourpuss]

This is really bothering me. I just can't get over the suspicion that there is something bigger going on. Just being lonely doesn't cut it with me. Has she always been like this?
Why aren't you raging mad? Why did you give in? Why do you defend her behavior? What was your relationship like before you got married? Before you were deployed. How are your arguments? What's your communication like?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chad, just because you have been Divorced, does not mean that you give the next person free reign in order to "hope" that this marriage survives. It actually, will backfire on you, as you have already established, your hurting.

You have allowed this. But, then she in one breathe asks, then states, I've changed my mind, then actually has gone ahead.

This is mind games.

Surely there are friends and family around she can't be totally on her own.

If I was you, I'd squash it right now... If she doesn't have a pet, tell her to buy one.. and cuddle the pet.. Tell her, "your my wife" ..

CW

[Mes T]

I agree with everything that's been said and feel like re-emphasizing a couple of really key points:

- People aren't mind readers. If you act cold, the other person can only guess as to why. We often talk about how men don't get hints, and that women should be direct with them in their communication. Well, I think it goes the other way, too.

- One divorce is no excuse to live with an unhealthy marriage.

[caterpillar79]

They have said what I have in mind. Your situation bothers me so much that I have to post as well, and piggy-back on Sourpuss' query about how the two of you were before your deployment. It is also crucial to see antecedent behaviors and events to better understand the complexity of things.

Be strong. I know you are already in all sorts of stress being there.

[Chad117]

I just got off the phone with her, we talked for over an hour. I told her in plain simple terms that I was not cool with her hanging out with other men romantically. At first it was rough, but as the call went on and I held firm she relaxed and we actually had a open and honest discussion about this. I'm not saying we resolved everything, but we are at least on the same page.

As for why I am not "raging mad", well, I came to the conclusion many years ago that losing my temper and yelling gets nothing accomplished. When an argument get to yelling and screaming, everyone stops listening to the other person. So, I don't lose my temper, I stay calm always and try to advance a solution and not just my side. I always try to stay open to her point of view.

About our back ground, we have fantasized about other people in the heat of passion. You know, I mean like we were just trying to spice things up a bit with a fantasy. But it wasn't really a serious thing, or so I thought, until I got over here. And when she first brought it up I did freak out and after we talked I ended up feeling like I was the one doing something wrong. As usual with her, I backed down because I didn't want her to be mad at me. So fast forward to yesterday, she wasn't mad at me, and she still went out with that other guy. I guess it was a wake up for me. So with the advice I got here and my wake up call, I did confront her with it. I think we had a good call, she wasn't happy, but I let her know that I am her husband and made it clear that I don't seek out nor do I want any other companion then her and I expect the same in return. I love her and I will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, even if it means I have to upset her from time to time. But everything I do, I do to make us better off.

[stressed]

You told your wife you want to be the only man in her life and she wasn't happy about it.

I don't understand why she agreed to marry you if you wouldn't be enough for her, seriously.

Spicing things up with fantasy is one thing, finding pictures of other guys in your pickup is another. Unless you have clearly told her "it is okay to make up with other people", whether you meant it or not.

You seem overly worried about upsetting her or making her angry towards you. You must know by now that neither yelling nor passiveness gives a result. You can disagree about something without yelling or having to say "yes" to whatever she does.

You either have a different opinion about marriage or you wanting this marriage to work better than your last one has changed you into not standing up for yourself and you would let her to anything, as long as she treats you well and doesn't yell at you.

[Mes T]

I agree that the conversation you had was at least a step in the wrong direction.

Stay firm. I admire your desire to stay calm and reasonable during arguments, but in my opinion this situation ranks way outside of the normal fighting and bickering that a married couple does. It probably wouldn't hurt to put some "passion" behind your words in this case, ya know? To really let her know you're upset.

I get a slight sense that she's being treated a little bit like a spoiled daughter princess, not the grown woman and wife that she should be.