[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry for the confusion...

As Ive stated earlier, I brought this situation up with him and discussed my guilt. Several times. According to him there was no problem

I understand that... but maybe he is fearful to speak what he really thinks, because he has a hard time personally, to be honest and speak?

I KNEW he was lying to me, but didntadmit the truth. He than finally told me that he did it in part because he resents me for not having a job (I've broached this topic in the past and we've had a few conversations.....to my knowledge, from his mouth, everything was fine).

From what you have stated, lying is one of the most pet hates for you and I get that, it is for me as well.. But, here you are saying that he finally told you the truth, he resents you not working. It may have been fine before, but through your questioning he has stated this, now.

And heknows the floors open so that he can talk to me about anything (like I said, about 80% of our intense conversations he says nothing, and I have a feeling it's due, in part, to the fact that he was censored as a child....I was too, but we took different paths.

Maybe because he is not an intense person? And, so he chooses to "not say anything", and he is aware that you hate lies, but he doesn't want confrontation and so he chooses to not tell you things that are bothering him.

Such as what I pointed out, in my post to you.

He resents your not working.

He thinks things have become too routine.

The point I was trying to make to you, is when words are spoken generally they are meant correct? So, perhaps he is being serious and relationships are built on more than just being honest, there has to be proper communication, between both people, one speaks the other listens and then you work out a solution. There has to be fun and happiness and laughter, togetherness, as well as love.

I also realize the only way to fix this is to be honest and listen.

So I am saying, if he feels that way, seeing as he has stated it too you, then maybe, he wants more equality financially and feels pinched a bit financially at present and it's stressful, maybe he wants "non-routine" and a bit more girlfriend and boyfriend, why don't you ask him?

I have no doubt that he loves you, but the way I look at it, people do any form of cheating, usually, because something is missing in their life.

If you take the two things he has stated to you, then if those were changed for instance, more in harmony, together, would therefore, the "cheating" not take place because nothing is missing?

CW

[AshAG]

I understand that, I guess my frustration is because I am always the one to bring up issues like this. He's only been open and honest without getting caught once in our entire relationship. I have to drag it out of him, while for the last 3 1/2 years he told me that things would be different. They haven't been.
Bottom line, he screwed up. I just need to know how I should move on. I want the trust back but don't know how to do that.

[AshAG]

I just wanted to add that i've been very clear from the get go what I look for in a partner. He completely agreed with me, and told me that is what he could and would do for me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know Ash, people will say what you "want to hear" at the beginning of a relationship, because they want to be with you.. The truth comes out over time and from what you are writing, you have a vision, your clear, as to what you want, expect, out of a patner. From what I can gather, it's trust, honesty, and respect... not too much to ask for..

But, I think, in that you also want exactly what you wrote "a partner" but missed two words "for life..."

You do have to work for communication, but you shouldn't have to work so hard for it, and over so many years to get it, it should be basically mostly there to start with and only get deeper and stronger.

There should be core values, beliefs, much like what you stated at the beginning "what you are looking for, what you believe in, how you are"...

But, you do get to see if you can "mesh" or not, and problem is, is that when we see we "don't" we keep trying harder to make that happen, work, because we are comfortable, we are in a relationship and it's called trying to make it all work.

What you have to ascertain, is that he's giving hints of things that aren't meshing and I think your establishing from what you are writing, that you've continued to try to make things mesh for 3.5 years now, to no avail.

His excuse for "emotionally cheating" is a crush of sorts - boy crush, but that also he's not happy. Maybe, your more grown than he is, can handle yourself, life, maybe he's still searching who he is, and is still immature.

If your not on the same path, then your not...

If, you were to work, and contribute more and you were to not be in a routine, and be girly and flirty and funny, if you were to shut out what you want, and accept the non-comunication, would you be happy with him?

If not, then the trust has been broken and perhaps, he wasn't your perfect match afterall and your now seeing that he wasn't as he claimed to be someone that he can't be, but also people do come into our lives for a reason and finding that "match" isn't easy, there is no check list, there will be half truths, but you will see clearly within a few months and it's then that you have to decide, otherwise, we all go through years with partners, and move on when it breaks, and waste alot of years

Know who you are and what you want out of life, and out of a partner and if you clearly see your just fighting to get it, with someone, and if they cheat on top of that, is that worth fighting for? Or is it settling?

It's okay, to establish someone isn't all you are after and love is love, but deep, bonding, soul connections, in tune, same core values, can resolve problems, is a different thing.. that, when you find it is for life.

Only you really know, whether you can resolve this and can see the two of you as elderly people, or whether there has been a lot of work, and still is and it never seems to get anywhere...

CW

[AshAG]

CW do you ever sleep?!
I want to say first off thanks for challenging me. I was looking for different ways to look at this situation. I'm starting to realize there may only be one.
I am so frazzled right now it's unbelievable. He lied to my face AGAIN. Am I shocked? No. Surprised? I'm ashamed to say yes. I just need to vent and that's why I'm here. I need to do something or else I will go crazy. I asked him a question (he knew I knew the answer, I just needed him to admit it, and I learned he knew I knew afterwards because I asked.....I'm not stupid). I asked him several times and he lied. His defense was 'i'm working on it'. Sorry, but between lying and the truth he chose lying. Yet again. I know I'm not stupid, I'm just confused. Tomorrow I will be leaving to take a little time away for myself. This is not what I want at all, but his actions (and lack thereof) have forced me to this. I can only handle so much.
Thanks again for helping. I will now try to breathe.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Yessum, but you know in Australia, it's only 3pm

I think the core of this is you HATE LYING and being lied to that's very valuable to you, you left home at 16 because of it, it is ONE thing you can not and never will tolerate.

Me say... good, take some time for you, and think... but think about everything good and bad and weight it all up..

As for challenging you, it's more of, I will say what I think and sometimes it gets mixed reactions but isn't it important to be honest and say what your thinking and not what you want to hear? Therefore, not lying

Breathe... write a list, and ensure on it, is all you want out of life then compare...

Now get off the computer and go and read or something to get your mind off of it for a while haha, seriously

[AshAG]

I wanted to add after re-reading your post that I saw us old together. I saw our children (before the miscarriage, before I had a real sense of what that even was) and what they would look like. We talked about this together.
When I said partner, I meant life partners. I guess that's just the way I think of that word.

[AshAG]

You're hilarious. I guess I'm grateful there's such a time difference because I don't have to wait to read your reply!

I am going to take some time (whether it's a day or a week, whatever it is I need) for myself. I definitely consider both sides, therein lays my conflict (logic, emotion, what I want, what I need, what's been done/said, what hasn't been done/said, etc. Etc. Etc.!!).
I'll try to go to sleep, but since it didn't happen til almost 6 am yesterday, we'll see

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmm and I walked away had a shower, came back and your still awake

Well, ask yourself as well, if I can....

I saw our children (before the miscarriage, before I had a real sense of what that even was) and what they would look like. We talked about this together.

Has this affected both of you, in this relationship, both grieving? It's very hard to go through something like that.. has it broken down the barrier of communication? Or, was that already broken and is his emotional cheating, (sorry), because it didn't occur and he now feels free? I hope not...

And, I wanted you to leave here light hearted and smiling, so I guess I just stuffed that part up huh

But, add that into your questions.

You should come back to ask him 'yet again questions but ones this time, you want straight answers from'..

Take care sweet and, we'd love to hear how you are and how it all goes once you have time to think...

CW

[AshAG]

It took me a while to fall asleep but thankfully I did.
When the miscarriage happened, strangely enough I was shown how strong I am. I handled my two (seperate) nights in the hospital better than I ever thought I could. I felt we got closer after it happened. I told him and he agreed that this was not something that would ever go away. We still talk about her every now and then (at this point I should be huge, and due in just over a month). I felt like everything was fine, and although I never wanted to go through that, a lot of surprising positivity came out of it. I felt we really pulled through as a team on that one. I was also very aware of his emotions, asking how he felt, if he needed to talk, and he did the same for me. In that situation, he was more amazing than I could've asked him to be. This is why I struggle. I know he loves me, but his actions just don't match up to what he's saying. In my books, for the most part, actions speak way louder than words ever could.
I am truly torn on what to do.