[fiona82collin]

Hi!
I am emotionally drained out.
Married two years back,I discovered after 4 months of marriage that my Husband had porn addiction, discovered after 1 year through his e mail history that he had been sex texting females all the time.When confronted he said he never had met any of these,don't know if that was true.
Later found that he had been on adult singles site and trying to hook up while his trip to London,don't know if he was able to but he swears he didn't.That was a big blow to our relationship and I decided to leave,but then he pleaded that he won't do that again.
This year I had to go to different city for a one month study course.When I came back,I found the web history was deleted, tried to recover with a software and found out that he had been surfing all ****s videos.
When asked he told that he thought that he was having E Dysfunction and was trying to get one, I can't think of any treatment or test for ED like this???
Now he is becoming irritable and he starts arguments over small things,..started physical abuse(twice). I decided to leave but again he is pleading that he wants to improve, booked himself for anger management courses, he wants me to stay...I do love him but living with so many insecurities is just draining my strength! What should I do?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

fiona,

I'm sorry you've been through this, I'm curious, before you married, what was he like with you? Was he ever "angry?", was he "sexual?"...

In-other-words, if you look back can you, did you see signs then?

There is no excuse for physical abuse, none and it takes time for that to be fixed, if it can.

I personally, even if in love, would not go back until this was clearly gone, fixed, and I would state, when you have completed the course, when you have beat it, I will be here, for now I will be here as a friend not a wife...

It's too scary, if he lost it again, why should you suffer? Be hurt? Be hit?

As for the porn, it doesn't matter why he does it, I don't like the fact that what he is looking at has a title of "****s".. that means to me, he doesn't have much value for women, how he sees them. Maybe his past relationships were'nt good, maybe someone cheated on him, maybe he views all women this way, "except his wife" however, unless he suspects and thinks, she doesn't love him, he may turn on you, call you those names, think of you that way, and really hurt you...

If he loves you and if you love him, then he needs to understand that he needs help and he must get that help and you will only stand by him as a friend, not in a married "living" relationship, because you are not about to be a punching bag, when he can't cope, but your prepared to be there, when he can resolve these issues, as his wife, living with him, just not now. Because "no man hits a woman" and you will not take that risk...

CW

[fiona82collin]

Thanks for the reply!
He had some past relationships which went wrong, and he was bitter about it.
Before marriage he was very nice to me, cared a lot and I should say he was quite possessive about me. He told me that he was over his past relationships. Everybody working around him told me that he was very gentle, but I noticed that he picked up fights easily with other people.He told me that he was stressed due to job, and a bit overprotective about our relationship.He was better after that.
He did never disrespect women before, but now I have noticed and it bothers me a lot when he does that.
I don't know if he really loves me anymore, How can anyone hit someone he loves? Whatever he says I can't trust him anymore. It is only my emotional dependance which is keeping me with him but it hurts a lot.
If I stay, I don't know if he will hit me again , and if I leave, since I don't trust him anymore I would be suspicious of him cheating on me and that will make my coming back more difficult. Should I stay in the same house?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He had some past relationships which went wrong, and he was bitter about it.
Before marriage he was very nice to me, cared a lot and I should say he was quite possessive about me.

In my books? He needs councelling as well as anger management, and addiction councelling that's a lot of councelling don't you think? A lot of baggage he's carrying around...

If he was hurt by past relationships, then possessiveness does come into play, and in that, my fear for you, is that if he "thought" you didn't love him, his anger would reach boiling point seeing as he has already hit you and more than once... He would feel loss "again" and may not be able to take this loss this time.

He has hit you and that you fear.

You don't trust him.

He does not respect women.

He gets angry.

He has so many issues that you can not help him, he needs to get help.

No, I would not stay in the house, but I would not tell him alone either, do you have a safe place you can go to? Family?

I would not say anything to him, "alone" and if your family do not know that he has hit you I think it is time to let them know..

CW

[fiona82collin]

I also feel that he needs a lot of counselling and I had asked him to start with porn deaddiction but he had refused.It is only now when he knows that I am serious about leaving that he has considered anger management as last resort.
But I feel once he starts with this,his counsellar would definitely advise other counsellings too.
I have discussed the matter with his parents and asked them to come stay with him when he takes these courses,but they don't seem to be taking the things seriously enough.And also he had picked fights with his mom and dad too last time they met, so they are hurt too. We will be going to a cousin's place this weekend and I think he can help us find some solution to that or convince his parents to come.
Thanks a lot for your valuable advice!! I could not have thought of so many things in this state of mind.I was feeling guilty and trapped at the same time, but now I think I am seeing things clear!

[wishfulthinker]

im 22, in my first relationship, and engaged.. after 2yrs of trusting n lovin this guy.. i realised recently he has sex addiction. i found out once him chatting up random women late nights.. and had registered on sex dating websites. i asked him and he lied.. sayin they wer old, frm wen he was young and immature. last week i found my way into his notebook and went thru his surfing history.. i hated spying on him.. but wen i told him later it shut his mouth.. all he could say is "im embarassed" i almost broke up.. but i feel so stupid wen i see i agreed to giving him another chance.

i thot all this was recent.. because we havent been together in a while because im workin on ths dissertation .. its the last part of my mba. we wr supposed to move in by july and get married in next 2yrs.. so i made excuses for him thinkin guys do access porn it aint a big deal.. n we havnt been togeter fr a while too. but the history showed its all been on the whole time. that was such a huge blow. the kinda women i saw was insulting to me. i suddenly thot like he set me up.. i dnt knw how to say it. but it still makes me sick.

he begged.. a lot and so i gave him a so called last chance. but i dnt knw hw to trust him again.. provided i used to trust him blindly before.. never thot once he would try to cheat.

i knw u r married.. its a very big thing.. i dnt knw if it is for me to say.. but mam i think u need to think abt this and take a stand. i can relate with the part "he gets angry on small issues" he does this to me too.. wen he feels threatened that im abt to catch another lie (his ego hurts, he accepted that !! incredible huh) he flares up.. shouts and tries to scare me away.. its so typical thief-behavior i feel.

ystday wen i gav him the "last" chance he said "i love u, i cnt afford to lose u again. and i will let go of wotver i can" that shook me again. because i always thot that i love him so much, and i would let go of all it takes to be with him..

he has a drinking problem.. dopes often.. smokes heavily.. i had problems but i bottled up everything to be with him.. i cant deal with sex addiction :'''( its like killing one self to accomodate the other. and then i think isnt love about respect, and mutual understanding ? i cant trust him again.. i knw.. eventually i wont be able to be with him anymore, i dread tht day but i knw its comin. until theres divine intervention and he turns into a leaf. which will nvr happen.

i guess u ve spoken to him enuf.. been thru mortal pain.. emotional and physical.. i guess all u hav to do now is sit.. think and weigh the pros and cons.. if u stay.. then in future the kids will suffer with u too.. it ll be terrible with responsibility.. mum always told me that ppl who can cheat once.. can always cheat again.. mum doesnt knw of my situation.. she'd b very hurt. but i knw after all this i wont be able to share a roof with this man.. everything tht comes out of his mouth seems fake now. i guess living and suffering alone is better than suffering at the hands of someone we ve loved more than ourselves..

[wishfulthinker]

new* leaf

[jns]

WT and OP: both of you can do better. Guys tend not to change their behavior, only repress it or hide it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he has a drinking problem.. dopes often.. smokes heavily.. i had problems but i bottled up everything to be with him.. i cant deal with sex addiction

wishful, he has an addictive personality.. He is addicted to alcohol, dope, cigarettes, porn, everything that he tries.

This is something he needs to get help on.. And, he can concentrate on one thing at a time, to get rid off.

It is not un-common and it's not something they can stop on their own.. There is usually a very bad situation that occured in their life, that makes them seek anything that makes them feel better.

This has nothing to do with you.. It's not at all that he's trying to hurt you, it's an honest decease that he needs help with, mainly finding out what is making him feel so down and not worth it, that he has to seek comfort in things and become addicted to them to nurse that comfort.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Fiona his actions to me show a person that doesn't care about anything but himself. Even his pleading for you to stay seems based on him not wanting what's best for you, but him.

I wouldn't trust him, and what's a relationship without it.

There are 2 kinds of men, those that are capable of hitting a woman they "love" and those that aren't.

He's already demonstrated what kind he is.

Other than the security of him wanting to hold on to you (only when he fears he's about to loose his cake), and the love you have for him...what do you have.

Life is short... But still way to long to spend in misery. Think of you and your needs and if they are not being met...move on to greener pastures.