[CHANDLERS WISH]

1) Forget your boyfriend... the only time you do something is because you know in your heart of hearts your not happy and never will be in the place that you are in...

Boyfriends may work out and they may not... This you have to do for you.

2) Guilt trip. He's putting a guilt trip on you, " I have no one in the world but you", he drowns his sorrows and expects you to live in sorrow.

3) Fear of the un-known is in everything you do in life. You are really saying you don't know if you are a risk taker. Can't stand tall.. Is this because he has made you feel worthless until the day someone walked in and make you feel worth something? Take risks for you.

4) Culture... Fear of what people will say. Is it not your life? Imagine in reality how many of them stayed themselves in an un-happy marriage and would love to be you. A woman who will not accept abuse or a loveless marriage.

5) Your looking purely at your life now, the safety of your home, comfort that your husband gives you to OWN YOU.. Real love means you can live in a tent, and not care.

6) Excitement, loving... I'm glad you wrote "loving" in that sentence regarding your boyfriend.. That's important to attempt for a future.

7) He's not ready to let you go, means he knows you will go, so he's using "guilt" to keep you there longer.

We all hurt people in our lives but let's face it, people hurt us to. If we can not be happy in life what's the point of being in it?

CW

[cristinacal]

Hopeless Dork, you're so right... for years I used to cringe at the thought of him releasing to porn.... I should have walked right away. I kept living to make him happy while he continued to make himself happy. I have held on to a false sense of security... false being the key word here. It seems you almost know him... he fantasizes about life, parties, masturbates... all selfish things but then on the other hand he tries to make up by being concerned, generous, caring, protective... I think that's how he’s tricked me into staying. The cheating starting because it made me feel better about myself, like I was a desirable women that that there was still hope. I always thought I'd leave when the right man came along... and now that he finally has… my husband's making it hard .. We've talked about my moving out and he says he's not ready to let me go, a lot of emotional talk about how our love was pure , real... I want to experience life with my new man... if my husband would just let me go. He puts doubts into my head, tells me I won't be okay, that he wants to protect me. I feel so blessed to have found this new man but still hesitant to start over...

[cristinacal]

stressed lou, Thanks for your post. The children at this point sound too good to be true... I thought I would never have any. My heart is saying that I should go with him.... it's my head that's confused

[cristinacal]

Hi Chandler, Thank you so much for your post. It really helped me.
I'm not happy and if I stay I never will be because I'll never be in the place I want to be with my husband. I have to stop feeling guilty... this is another reason why I'm still here.
I've always been a risk taker... marrying him was a huge risk but I still took it, now I'm hesitant to take another one although I know it's what I should have done years ago. I'm going to consciously work on the culture issue.. it's another reason why I've been so unhappy for so long.
He has held on to me by spending, buying, a way of owning me... he never thought I'd ever leave. Do you think his generosity has all been an act? Can you figure out why he wants me around? That's a big question mark. My BF is the most loving man I've ever met.... from here everything else fell into place.
I am going to talk to my husband this evening about "the letting go part". I think you're right... he knows I'm going to go. I want to be happy, I believe I deserve it! I hate hurting him but I have to think of me..

[cristinacal]

Rhiannon, my fear of the unknown is what's kept me here for so long. thanks for your post.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Protecting you? From what? He is hurting you, has hurt you with his porn and alcohol. Sure, gifts is a way that people "think" they may keep a person, if they have nothing else to offer, it's a form of control..and yes, owning you. Some people don't know how to love, it's sad. And, in that, they feel that money buys everything but it doesn't.

People that have no direction in life, have dreams, and just dream, are not risk takers... They just dream.

You took a risk, and you are willing to again... Perhaps you mis-matched your thought originally on marrying him.. Perhaps he gave from the beginning and you felt it was going to be a picket fence and roses...

Alot of women have been around guys that watch Porn, they know how they feel, it's the same, no man is different when addicted...

Is it an act? Why does he want you around?

Because people know love in different ways. Some are very spiritual, giving, loving, and will work for a relationship. Some were never loved, don't know how to do it, and so use money as the way to show their love, but they also are selfish and can not help but do what they want in life, because they feel that they missed out on 'LOVE' and know no other way... Why does he want you around, because he has no one, he has lost all in his life, over time because he doesn't know who he is, so therefore, doesn't care for anyone but himself. And, thinks, that, money is enough to keep someone.

It's not.

CW

[cristinacal]

jns, Sex was unsatisfactory because it was almost non existent, I always had to ask why it had been so long, why we never etc. It was too short, I could never bring him to climax by masturbating, only he could do using porn. He used to lose his erection within a few minutes and always left me feeling undesirable and rejected. After a while, tired of discussing and arguing and softies I gave up. He never made a move then and its been 7-8 years. I mean did I have to beg? With my lover it’s the total opposite. We are physically and mentally attracted to each other with a lot of things in common, food, movies, sports, travel, music and yes we enjoy making love, because it brings us closer, makes us more intimate. It's not used just as a release. I never realized the importance of simple touching and embracing before. If I leave, I'll have to move from familiar to unfamiliar surroundings and although I have a small income and my husband will pay too, it'll be tough and I'll have to watch my expenses because at the moment we still live in his parents house and everything is paid for by them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I never realized the importance of simple touching and embracing before. If I leave, I'll have to move from familiar to unfamiliar surroundings and although I have a small income and my husband will pay too, it'll be tough and I'll have to watch my expenses because at the moment we still live in his parents house and everything is paid for by them.

I know your replying to someone else.

But, again, you are focusing mainly on finances in my opinion.

What is it you want?

[jns]

The heart wants what the heart wants. I think it is a matter of working out the details now.

[jimmykef]

Don't be unhappy where you are. Life is 'safe' right now but your own happiness MUST come first.

I was in a marriage without any actual problems but I was unhappy. The thought of destroying my wife cut me to pieces but I had to go.

Think of YOU....