[Tamar]

I am absolutely devastated at where my life has ended up and need some advice (although I already know what the advice will be My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years, but together for almost 9 years. I gave birth to our first born in February, which was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Instead the day was a very sad day for me....during birth all I could think about was his affair and the fact that he has a child with another woman.
We went through a tough patch about 2 1/2 years ago...he has a substance abuse problem as well and I tried the whole tough love thing and we both drifted apart, living our own lives. I carried on with my life and was very cross and negative about him and our marriage, and he carried on with his life.
He emotionally abuses me when he has bad come downs.
I came across some photos on his phone of him and another girl (I say girl as she is about 8 years younger than him) - photos of her in her underwear with messages saying "my body is your body". I asked him about them and her and he denied it and made up a story, which i stupidly believed.
Early last year, he told me he didn't want to loose me and wanted us to try again, so I put everything into trying to make our marriage work.
In June I fell pregnant and in Aug found an email from his sister dated before I was pregnant congratulated him on the news that he was going to become a daddy. My world shattered around me, but again he made up some story.
I received an email from a stranger on 13 Sep, congratulating me on the birth on my husbands daughter (I found out later this was from the other womans brother). Yet again, I felt like my world was coming to an end. He again made up a story, but I knew deep down inside that it was true.
I started trying to talk to him about it in a civil way, but he kept brushing me off.
The day before I went into labour, my mother in law called me, to ask me why I haven't divorced her son yet and that I should let him go as he has a beautiful daughter with someone else. I told her that we were trying to work on things and that I was due to have a baby in 4 weeks. She put the phone down in my face saying he never told her anything. Our baby daughter arrived early at 36 weeks and am sure that this had something to do with it.
I now believe that she arrived early to help me get through this, as I don't think I would have survived if she wasn't there/here for me.
I then received a call from this other woman's sister in law, also telling me about his daughter with her and that he kept telling her that he is just waiting for our divorce to come through before they can carry on with their lives. There is no divorce in progress. She then told me that the other woman is upset that I had a baby.
My mother in law then called me again as she was upset that I never let them know that our daughter had arrived early, but also went on to say that my husband has been telling everyone that our child is not his child.....why can I not walk away from this man, who keeps ripping my world apart. Why do all these people want me to feel like I am the person that must step back and am the person that is in the wrong?
We have sat down and spoken about his other daughter, without fighting or screaming and things seemed to be improving....only for me to find an sms from him to her saying that he loves them and misses them (again he denied it).
I have told him we can get divorced so that he can go and be with them, so that I can carry on with our lives, but he says he wants to be with us.
I know I should leave him, as this all seems very bad for me and now for us, but I can't seem to walk away. I really want to try and make our marriage work. Our daughter deserves to grow up with her daddy that she loves so much but am also worried that she is going to get caught up in something that is going to turn into terrible heartache. I have no one to talk to about this. I am scared and hurt and feel so alone.
Is this my punishment for pushing him away....is this all my fault?

[Hopeless Dork]

You aren't being punished. You did the best you could for yourself and I feel like you are going to continue that pattern doing the best for yourself and now your baby. His family is so backwards and unsupportive... his mistress is having her folks and his folks making you out to be the bad guy, when nothing is further from the truth.

He should have resolved his issues with you and either gotten back together with you or filed for divorce before starting a family with another woman... and he should have ended things with her firmly before coming back into your life and trying to work it out.

He wants it all, it seems. And now he is tied to both of you for your children, this way or that way, whichever way he heads. But that decision is not his, its yours. He can still be in your daughters life without messing with your heart and emotions. And he can still be in his other daughters life with out tangling himself with her mother.

But it seems he has no real interest in making a choice, he's simply pitting the two of you against each other, having his cake, eating it too.

My heart goes out to you as it seems you aren't getting support from the people who should be supporting you. Hopefully you have a loving family of your own that you can turn to for help with the baby and emotional support.

Decide for yourself what you want for your life and stick to it. Its no fun to live in a dillusional world where you pretend the black and white text message you just read is a figment of your imagination. Find your strength, know that you can, and WILL get through this with or without him... and decide for yourself which is the road of less hurt.

Leaving him will break your heart but it will heal... holding on to him while he refuses to draw clear lines on where his commitment lies is just keeping the wound open. Give him the opportunity to decide what he wants for himself, and then decide the same... just because he chooses you doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be chosen.

But I think its important for him to be honest with himself, you AND her... in order for any of you to move on to some place healthy and happy.

[LanaBear]

My heart breaks for you and your baby!

I completely agree with everything HD said above.

If you leave, your heart WILL heal, it may take a while, but it will, you will find someone who deserves the two of you. If you stay, he may or may not change, but you will always have his other child and her mom in your life. He's already lied to all four of you.

There are men who know how to treat a woman, there are men who can make a woman happy. You don't need all this drama.

[sourpuss]

You and your baby don't need this kind of life. There are times when being a single parent is better for all involved. This is one.

You said:
1. he's a substance abuser
2. he emotionally abuses you
3. he's cheated several times
4. he's lied about cheating and who knows what else

Do you really want that kind of person in your child's life? In your life?

[sourpuss]

And as long as your married to him, you're financially responsible for this other child. I don't think I could deal with that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You've spoken a lot about his family, and the lady's family but nothing of your own?

Are, you alone in all of this? Because regardless of the outcome, you need to be around people close to you.

He sounds as if he came from a disfunctional family. His Mother-in-law, hasn't even seen fit to say "sorry" that her son did not tell her that you also were pregnant and has only complained that you didn't let her know her grandaughter was born. She should have been there, the moment she found out, for you..

You did point out that basically you were living separate lives back a couple of years ago, as you had, had enough of his substance abuse, emotional abuse... He therefore, naturally, had a green card to do what he wanted ( in his mind)... but, lying is something that will forever make you "not trust" and it sounds as if he is having both worlds, there is a reason why he is staying, not with her and her baby, maybe your a good woman and maybe she is a raunchy little thing that he had fun with but doesn't get what he gets from you, that emotional attachment, feeling of being loved, even though he doesn't deserve it.

But, if he emotionally abuses you, then it could be "control", liking the fact that he keeps you there, keeps her there and lets face it, his lying, is also a part of that, sorry is just a word.

You sound as if you have a lot of love to give and give it.

Your daughter was the one who pulled you through, but you cry, whilst holding her and she feels it... It is not good for her at all, she needs a happy mummy who has all that love.

No where have you written, he has cut all ties from this girl, he has corrected what his family believed, he has made it clear it's you...

You know in your heart you are worth so much more, deserve so much better.

For now you have the love you desire, in your child. You can not hold on to something that is not there, you can, be strong and live for your child, away from him and find someone that will love you back.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Cw, your words touched me so much I had to respond again. The baby, her feeling your unhappiness... so true those words are. If he is making you miserable, robbing you of this joy you have with your daughter... it isn't fair to you or her.

These moments are so precious with your little angel, her smiles and gigles... you don't need to have constant anxiety and hurt over what he's up to, you really and truly don't.

[JadedQueen]

I have to ask.... are you staying because your options are limited either financially or due to lack of support from family/friends?

I know it's difficult to walk away because you did/do still love him, you just had a baby with him and you have a lot invested in this relationship. But my question to you is this and you really have to think about it long and hard because as much as it hurts and as hard as it is to walk away depending on your answer to this question will dictate what a future with this man will hold.

Will all that he has done and put you through, and the fact that he continues to lie to you do you ever think that you will be able to trust this man? With all that he has put you through the your love for him is no doubt fractured do you think this relationship can be repaired the love, trust, forgiveness? If you answered no to these questions then no matter how hard it is to leave him right now.... in the long run you are going to resent him and find it even harder to stay no matter how many years you manage to stick it out. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think deep down you know this relationship isn't a healthy one for you or your baby. The fact that your husband continues to burn the candle at both ends telling you one thing and telling others something completely different he's not committed to working on your marriage and trying to put it back together. I know your life is upside down right now but you will get through it and in the future you will find the happiness that you and your baby deserve. Keep your chin up and be strong.

[Tamar]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I really do appreciate it.
I am just sad that I am the one that has to let go…his wife. The other woman has made it very clear that she will not back off and will do anything and everything to keep him, so she is happy with the situation as it is now. I am not, but again it makes me cross to be the one that has to let go.
I really feel like she is using their child to hold onto him.
He cannot afford to look after either child, so my parents have been helping us out to make sure our daughter has everything she needs. The other woman is not providing for her child and now he is starting to feel sorry for his other daughter and making me feel guilty that our daughter has everything she needs, while his other daughter has nothing. She knew he was married and think she knew he would not leave me, so I keep wondering if she had this child to finally win him over and this is why she was so upset when she heard we had also had a child. It just makes me so cross that that poor little girl is being used in this way.
I haven’t told my family or friends, as I don’t think I am emotionally strong enough to handle everything that they are going to say to me. They all believe he is not good enough for me, but I don’t want to be reminded of that from the people I love as I don’t want to resent them for telling me the truth, which hurts. That sounds strange, but it easier hearing the truth from people you don’t know, as it is an honest response without emotions involved. So I want to thank you all again, for your thoughts and honesty.
The only way I feel that our marriage will work, is that he agrees to go to counseling with me, so we can talk this all out with someone, so that we can move on, with or without each other. At least I would have tried to make our marriage work, if there is a marriage left to work on. He is not really a person who likes to talk, so he is not interested in this at all. So it just feels like he is not committed to making this work.
He has said however, that he hates himself for what he has done and cannot forgive himself. He has said that he cant make his other daughter suffer for what has happened, so has to be there for her. He keeps telling me she has nothing and that she is living in a house with huge family problems and he knows our daughter is getting the love and everything she deserves. How can he make me feel guilty for looking after our daughter? It is not my fault that his lover/the other woman is still so young and possibly not mature enough to handle this situation.
I am not scared about being a single parent, as she means everything to me and I would do anything for her. I know that it will be better for her emotionally if we move on, but fear that one day she will ask why I didn’t stay and try and make it work. I don’t want her ever to believe that she was a mistake or the reason why we split up.
She was my miracle child…I was told that I would struggle to have children, so I felt very blessed when I found out I was pregnant and thought our marriage had been blessed too. It makes me so cross to think that I struggled to fall pregnant and she fell pregnant so easily.
I am sorry about going on like this, but have so much bottled up inside of me.
He does come from a very dysfunctional family. His dad is an alcoholic, who used to physically abuse him & have affairs. His sister is an addict, his brother and addict and alcoholic and his other sister and alcoholic. His dad always told him that he would become like him one day and I think that after years of this abuse and being told this, it is actually happening. I have always told my husband he needs to deal with this, as he won’t heal unless he deals with this, but he refuses to talk about it. He says it is his problem and not someone elses and they were taught not to talk about their feelings. I don’t think he will ever be happy, until he talks about his problems so that he can move on.
He has told me that he has broken it off with her, but as I mentioned I found an sms from him to her saying that he loves them and misses them and that was recently. So I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I don’t know why I am staying….I just can’t seem to walk away. I get so hurt and upset with him and think…ok now I can walk away….and then he makes me feel like things are getting better and that it is over between them and that its us he wants to be with. But then after a few days, I start feeling uneasy again. All I know is I don’t want the rest of my life being like this.
I really try and talk to him in a civil manner without shouting or getting cross. I even said that we should get divorced and he would then be free to choose what he wants to do, but he keeps telling me he doesn’t want that, but why won’t he cut his ties with this other woman so that everyone can move on.
I feel that if we can both talk about how we feel, what we want and respect and honour one another, we can try and make this work. But if he is not prepared to do that, then I don’t think I can go on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your story, your response is sad, I feel for you.

I haven’t told my family or friends, as I don’t think I am emotionally strong enough to handle everything that they are going to say to me. They all believe he is not good enough for me, but I don’t want to be reminded of that from the people I love as I don’t want to resent them for telling me the truth, which hurts.

That is fear sweetheart because they saw it before you did.

With regards to him feeling that your family is providing for your daughter, but his other daughter doesn't have that? That's him thinking of his children is it not? Not you at all, perhaps your parents are telling you the truth, perhaps, you need to really see, him for what he is.. Children, are important you are not.. I'm sorry to say that, that is what I see.

Have you ever considered this? That he in-fact has it made with you and your daughter? But knows that there is a struggle if he went to her?

He says it is his problem and not someone elses and they were taught not to talk about their feelings.

He does come from a very dysfunctional family. His dad is an alcoholic, who used to physically abuse him & have affairs. His sister is an addict, his brother and addict and alcoholic and his other sister and alcoholic. His dad always told him that he would become like him one day and I think that after years of this abuse and being told this, it is actually happening.

Off course, and so he is "trying" to not be like them... In that, he sees, you can support your child, your family are helping you but he can see this girl is like his family and so needs him...

This is what the problem is, his past.

His family, like I stated, disfunctional.

He is not seeing you, your marriage, he is seeing that you are good for him, but you are not seeing that he is NOT good for you and in that your heart is breaking and you are showing this to your child... Can you see that?

One wants to be the saviour. One wants to show the direction, if only they would see, but you can't change the pattern of life, as they knew it, and you believe councelling will do that, maybe it will, but you can not be there.. You need to request this and let him see, what he has, and you need to tell your family " you were correct, but don't judge because there is something there that I love and you must understand that, so at this stage, I want him to work things out and go to councelling and I'm asking you to be there for me, for my daughter" .... You are an Adult, this is your right to make your own decisions, they may have had you, but we all go with love and in that, make choices, right or wrong.

Tell them that, right or wrong, stand by you and you will see, in time, which it is.

He has told me that he has broken it off with her, but as I mentioned I found an sms from him to her saying that he loves them and misses them and that was recently. So I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Like attracts like... He wishes he could be with someone like you, he wants to be loved, but he is used to the pain and heartache and he can relate to her and probably her him.

Again let me stress, this is not just you, your heart, this is also your daughter who can feel your pain...

You do not want her to grow up and be like him, in this pain. You want her to be like you, believing that love exists.

Your self worth is down as well.... You need to see clearly.... You are important... You can't save the world, or the lost souls but you can save yourself and your daughter and in that, see the world as you always saw it, beautiful.

CW