[CHANDLERS WISH]

He has had several affairs, several email accounts, many meetings with former g/f's, and ....... more.

While talking about a year ago, he confided to me, he has had, what he refers to as a "Private" life. I discovered some unsavory things. Also, he made a promise to me he would not be doing that anymore. I DID NOT, solicit this, he offered.
I listened, and tried to understand, this private life, some of which i accept, some i did not. But, I love him, so..... we talked about it. I guess what it comes down to, is ..he lied to me, (again).. and i lose respect towards him each time.

Seems you accepted what he stated a year ago, but don't trust him natrually Are you actually trying to compete therefore, so that he doesn't stray again? Your way of trying to keep the marriage?

Yet it seems only one person is putting in any effort, is this fair on you, based on what you learnt and the willingness to forge on?

CW

[Olympia]

Little and CW,

Thank you, These things you both have stated would seem to be correct. And, yes, a little humor never hurts. At present i am home with a broken foot. So humor is 'good medicine'... Thanks, Little.
CW, Yes; possibly it was my way to compete. However, he will do what he will do. I do not wish to control him, to join in, is what i seek. Mutual trust, and respect.... I do not wish to do things that he finds take away from our relationship. I need to find a way to convey the same, directed towards him. As much as what Little suggested about his self gratification, while i in another room doing the same with my toy sounds like an attention getter... It will cause a threat and fight. And i want communication to be open.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Then you are not getting what you need, what you want, and in reality what is normal, respect.. You are getting broken promises.

You don't want to "join in on his experiements rather just get the truth first, and then consider, there is nothing wrong with that.

Respect is important..

You have done what you can to "survive" your experience.

TELL him what you need and what you do because of your needs, if he goes off and doesn't change those thoughts then in my opinion, he is self centered and won't and doesn't understand.

There you have to decide.

CW

[Olympia]

Thank you for your advise.
Going to think on it a bit, before action.

[Olympia]

I know it has been a while since returning to this thread. I did talk to him about how i felt. The emotion/feeling behind the words. And for the most part it seemed he understood/accepted. However, yesterday was a mirror to June. It started with checking security software and stumbling upon that which i voiced and his action. porn/masturbation.. I was in the next room...
I approached, not confronted, him with my discovery. He immediately stated his appologies , stated he knew he made a promise to me for the (2nd time)...etc...
I responded with...Asking him if he feels the 'need' for this, something i am not doing??? He said, No! Then.. Why?? I asked.. He stated, due to boredom, and then immediately started pointing a finger towards me...
He knows how i feel about this and knows that i Love sex with him, at anytime. (Why, do we as women.. always choose to think immediately, "It must be something i did or did not do") that causes the action? That was a bit generalized.. (I should state "many women").
Anyway i drifted a bit off the subject at hand. Anyway, this am, the face i looked on was, contempt.
I had asked him to please think on the reason he feels the need for porn/masturbation while i am so near and willing to please him (and me). As i do not wish to stay in a situation where this is reoccuing and trust/honesty, respect/togetherness do not exist. Also, i do not wish to hold him back from what he needs that i cannot provide. He stated, "He is still thinking on it." I replied, "when you are ready to speak on it, i am here".
A little on "hubby"... His life is the written word, he also has the artists gift of prose. Mensa, and has an unabridged use of profanity on a daily basis. I have always known this, nothing new.. an excessive drinker, of choice, Jack Daniels and beer... But fell in love with all of him! He has a kind caring nature and socially superior, but of late some of that is slipping due to alcohol. He does not drink all the time, not an everyday occurance. a beer or two one day, and maybe none for 4 or 5days. There is much more and most is positive. Just felt the need to state this.

So, now i wait... Sorry to have droned on a bit too long. Just wanted to state what has been circling
my mind.

[Olympia]

I wonder if the contemptable look was due to the fact he 'got caught' or that he was angry and felt foolish for hurting me, knowing of his promises... Or that he felt i was the cause of him seeking out what he sought, and or making the promises in the first place. Maybe it was D) all of the above..

I am at present, unemployed. He sold my car last year. So i have to take him into work if i need the car. At present i feel very vulnerable. I am quite a distance from any relative. over 500 mls. The friends we share live within a mile. I am trying to think where i will go, if.......

[pretzel]

I'm thinking D also but not all being equal.

Yeah, a big part of it was getting caught and breaking his promise to you. He knew what this would do but the secrecy and allure of this was more important than the effect it has on how you feel.

Maybe I'm overstepping my bounds but I can't seem to help but think that given his personality that he doesn't find any harm in this hence it's you that is causing the issue here, not him. But then his past hasn't been much of an example to support this.

I'm not sure if it really boils down to the trust/respect/togetherness issues. Most certainly, honesty is not in play with this issue but again, I don't think he sees this as being a hurtful issue as far as his feelings go. But I think in most of the non-sexual issues that have arisen, you wouldn't say the same.

Finally, if you think that you need to leave, don't think you have no place to go. No matter where you are, there will be a safe place at least temporarily. If you have to find a place for a week or so until you can get to a family member, you could.

[WildChild]

So lets summerizes all this:

He's had affairs
Has met up with old gfs
has a "private" life
He feels intimidated by your interest in and willingness for sex and finds it "controlling"
but he doesn't initiate often enough to even begin to meet your needs
You have restricted and limited your self pleasuring because it will result in fights
He sees no reason to limit his own self pleasuring
You aren't supposed to use toys but he has unlimited time with his Rosie Palms
He limits pleasuring you but pleasures himself and interacts with other women

He sounds like the emotional twin to the man I've just been painfully separating from. I'm starting to see all that is wrong with this kind of thinking. It's easy to keep thinking that you have to accomodate him but in a balanced and loving relationship you each work to accomodate each other.

You've been enabling and accomodating and need to stop. Having respect for differing needs is one thing, sublimating your needs while he ignores them and takes care of his own isn't healthy, for you or the relationship.

What would have to change to make this good?

[Olympia]

It is possible, Pretzel, stated....

Most certainly, honesty is not in play with this issue but again, I don't think he sees this as being a hurtful issue as far as his feelings go. But I think in most of the non-sexual issues that have arisen, you wouldn't say the same.

His promise he made to me, didn't hurt him...(feelings) .... also you state..

Maybe I'm overstepping my bounds but I can't seem to help but think that given his personality that he doesn't find any harm in this hence it's you that is causing the issue here, not him. But then his past hasn't been much of an example to support this.

If i am causing the issue, should it not be important to address? By causing, i am feeling as if i do not belong. I am and unnecessary part of this union.. My feelings/emotions do not mean anything. I wait for him to initiate sex, even though i could have it 20 times a day and still crave more. But i am not permitted to pleasure myself. Yet he, is.....This is a HUGE issue... And you are not overstepping boundries.. I appreciate your input, if anything it gets me to type out a reply. Which the thought alone creates a more clearer understanding.. (getting a bit deep, am i..?)..LOL
Also, please do not feel offeneded about me removing you as a friend/contact, I removed everyone on my profile and the comments. One never knows, if things were to get out of hand here, i would not wish any to be subjected to him......

[pretzel]

I do think it's important to address them. I hope my comments weren't being misunderstood. I didn't mean that I agreed with your husband about his feeling that he may (and that really is a big may) see how your reactions are a cause of the problem. The problem isn't in you or how you feel about it, not at all. Actually quite the contrary. I'm very much on your side. I've read WC's post and it seems that maybe I'm not really in the best position to offer advice, but am very much in support of you and the decisions you may have to make. That would be true no matter what so understanding your reasons for removing the friend and vm's doesn't offend me in the least. I would consider you a friend no matter.