[CHANDLERS WISH]

kschell, see it as it is.

He can't accept change.. He has baggage, he is not prepared to compromise.. He drinks because he can't cope with life, he wants to stay at home ,he wants to look after his dogs...

He can't move on in life.. He is angry of his past live and can't move on to the next life.

Your priorities are correct he's just not in a happy place, one that he can change for him and the person in his life...

Now I speak with him and he is drunk again.. and very hateful and all the terrible name calling.....
I think it is time to throw in the towel... the problem is that I love this man so much and really was hoping that we could build a life together.. but I just don't think that he loves me more that he loves his crown.... so ...
NOW how do I live through this???
My heart is breaking...... I was hoping that we could do some counseling - but I don't even know if that would work..

See it for what it is... He can not stop drinking, he can not let go of his past, he calls you names, it's not his crown, it's just he can't love , what ever happened before he can't let go and counselling, won't work.. he's not ready.. So you need to see it as it is, you have a lost soul, and you can't change a person...

Who are you? And aren't you worth something?

Again, I call, I want love, I need love, I can change him... NO you can't... You need to move on and find someone who respect you and loves you..........

CW

[KMonte85]

you've done a lot for this man, to try to make things work. You've compromised on the living situation, came up with a plan of action for staying at each others houses that accommodates your granddaughter too - and the thanks you get is him getting plastered and saying hateful things to you.

Are you sure this is what you want? You said you're close to throwing in the towel.. I wouldn't think of it that way. You're not the one giving up, he is.. he's giving you up in exchange for chugging crown, and getting drunk and mean. Have you told him what his drinking does to you, to your relationship? Does he know how much he verbally abuses you when he's drunk? Does he care?

It sounds more and more like he may have quite a drinking problem... the only way I could think that you two would be able to make it work, is if he gets help for his demons - goes to AA, gets off the sauce, and takes responsibility for the way he is when he's drinking. He owes you an heartfelt apology for his actions, and he must change his ways. If he won't do any of these things, then I think you're right when you said he cares more about the alcohol than about you... and that should be a major indicator that it is time for you to move on.

[Ashlee T.]

He wants you to conform. Deep down he doesn't want to be alone, but he's not willing to compromise at all. He needs someone who has no life of her own and is willing to just move out there and make his life her life. That way he's not alone, he never has to leave. So the constant pressure is for you to change, for you to conform.

You have a life. You're independent. You have a granddaughter that will not always be a little girl, and you want to cherish this little girl time. Who can blame you? Point is, if he was in love with you he'd want to be a part of that. He'd totally understand not only the time with your granddaughter, but the fact that you've worked hard to establish a business of your own and shouldn't have to just give it all up for him.

I think love is about bringing out the best in someone, and together becoming better people because you compliment each other so well. It's about being free to be you and know you'll be loved no matter your flaws. It's not about one person compromising and giving up things they love to be with someone.

When he says the sad part is that the whole thing can be managed, to me what he is saying is "YOU can modify YOUR life to make this work". But where's his compromise, where's his willingness to do anything but sit back and feel sorry for himself because you're not willing to make 100% of the effort? So yes, he needs someone much less independent and with much less going on in their life so that they can totally absorb themself in his. Unhealthy in my opinion, but it seems to be the kind of relationship alot of people want.

Stand firm. And never do what doesn't feel right just to be with someone.

[WildChild]

You've been given good advice and insights here. He wants to have a pity party- the guest list is limited for those, I suggest you uninvite yourself. He has things he needs to work on and isn't doing it, you would just be a crutch to postpone the inevitable.