[kscshell]

Hi Friends!

I am in such a terrible situation and I have NO idea what to do .... Here is the email that I received last night from my Fiance'~~~~~~~~~

~"I am so lonely living out here, my dream was to find somebody that would like to share this(not that it's anything great) It's just time after time I am here by my self, sure I can come into town , but things need to be done out here. or else let it run down, You are competely happy with your life style right now, Soo... (gosh so sad} what should I do? You are in heaven from wed. to sat. afternoon. then, you tune in to the rest.
And here is what is sad, this whole thing could be managed.....
I am feeling so uncomftorable tonight, "~

Now a little inside information on the email... He lives out in the country on 15 acres.. very secluded.. He has 2 german shepherds. He owns his own business and works out there all day and somedays never leaves his place... We are engaged and eventually I will move out there and live with him.

Last night he was invited into town to spend the evening with me and my granddaughter (3) but he said that he wanted to hang out there and get caught up on things.. so he chose to be alone.

The Wednesday - Saturday time frame that he is speaking about is when I have my granddaughter. I have shared custody of her and have her Wednesday - Saturday.. The other days I can spend with my fiance'.

I live in town and operate a home day care so, it will be hard to just "move" my business out in the country where he lives... I have proposed to keep my house in the city and run my daycare out of it and move in with him out there and just drive to work everyday.. he would really like for me to quite my daycare - get another job and move out there with him..I want to move out there with him - but it is just not that easy...

I feel like he is jealous of my granddaughter. I would love for him to come into town and spend Wednesday - Saturday with me in the city - but he won't do that... he may come into town on one of those days but that is it.. the rest of the time - here lately - he spends the evenings out there getting drunk and feeling sorry for himself....

HELP! I am at the end of my rope with this.. maybe I should let him go to find someone that will mold into his plan????

[KMonte85]

Can I ask, first - how far away is your home from his? You say you're in town and he's in the country - but what is the distance? Are we talking a few minutes drive, a few hours?

I agree that he should be willing to come spend time with you in your home when you've got your granddaughter. That is a fair request, and he shouldn't get angry about you wanting him to come over.

But what is to stop you from taking her along and spending time in his home when you aren't running the daycare? You and your fiance have decided that you'll live in his home, correct? If the plan after marriage is for you to move into his home, would you still have your granddaughter Weds-Saturday? If so, it may be beneficial to have her spend time in his home so that when you do move it is not such a big shocking change to her - she will already be familiar with the house, the rooms, the dogs, the yard... like a second home. Also, it would help for her to spend time with your fiance as he is going to become a big part of her life...

Maybe there is more to the story that I'm not seeing.. but it may help if you both just sit down and try to compromise a bit about how you will spend your time together, where, and if your granddaughter will be involved.

[sourpuss]

He seems content to be alone, which is fine. He shouldn't ask you to give up your business though, that's not fair. The introvert lifestyle isn't for everyone. Men seem to do it better than women. I worry that if you give in to everything he wants, you'll be stuck out there, no job, no house and he'll just sit around and get drunk. He's not drinking because you're not there, he's not going to magically stop when you move in. He will always want to stay out there. If you're not ok with it now, while you have all your outlets, I can't imagine you'll be ok with it once his life is all you have.

just something to think about.

[stressed]

I also want to ask about the distance between his and your place.
I agree with sourpuss, his drinking is not going to stop when you start living together (wherever that may be), it has become a habit of his. Both drinking and feeling sorry about himself. One leads to the other.

It seems like whatever the choice, one of you is going to be unhappy, unless you both compromise. If you move to the country and give up your job, there is a good chance that you will start feeling trapped, away from the 'civilized' world, and feel like you have nothing to do. If he moves to town he will feel uncomfortable in an environment he's not used to. Everything will feel too fast for his rhythm. You can either split the days into weekdays in the city weekends in the country, or one of you has to sacrifice his/her lifestyle for the other's sake. You need to sit down with him and have an open discussion about what you both want and expect. You need to plan this one carefully.

[kscshell]

Thanks so much for you input! I truly appreciate it... The distance between our homes is minimal.. about a 15 minute drive.. so really no distance at all... it is just the process of him coming to town and leaving his dogs and his place... A perfect example is tonight.... he was invited... I almost begged him to come into town - but he insisted that he had stuff he needed to do out there and was feeling down and didn't feel like coming into town.. now here it is 10 :30 and I haven't heard another word from him.... I will probably get another sad email sometime in the middle of the night because he can't sleep and is feeling sorry for himself....

[jns]

I don't think the drinking alone is a good sign. I think the lack of compromising is a bad sign. I think that trying to get you to feel sorry for him is a bad sign. He sounds self centered. Are you sure that you can't do better?

[KMonte85]

So he won't make the 15 minute drive... what's stopping you from driving 15 minutes to see him? I'm a firm believer that you get what you give in a relationship, unless of course one person is very selfish - but that's a whole other story!

But who goes to whose house isn't really what's relevant here, it seems... moreso that he's self-absorpbed in his own pity party. If he writes you some sappy "woe is me" email, call him up or go to his house and have a discussion with him about what you both expect from a partner and a healthy happy relationship. Then decide if you two can provide that for one another.. if you can both work it out, being more inclined to compromise, super! If you decide you can't budge and you won't make each other happy, then move on and feel blessed that you found out before you went through with what would have been a very unpleasant marriage.

[kira]

15min is biking distance here lol It's a 30min drive at highway or interstate speeds (which is now 70mph here) to get to anything from my house and I'm considered to be in a good commute location right off a paved road. I've got 2 dogs and occasionally while fostering we'll have up to 4. We have a system for leaving them various amounts of time. So really there is no excuse. If he wanted to spend time with you he'd figure out how to leave everything for even just an hour or so. I'm also going to ask why you aren't going to his place? Also it seems extremely selfish for him to ask you to give up your home and business when it's really not that far away at all. What job does he plan for you to get? It sounds to me like he just wants someone to sit around being bored with him and never leaving the property. I love being in the middle of nowhere but that doesn't sound like a good lifestyle even to me.

[kscshell]

Ok..I have tried to spend more time out there... We even put together a schedule that I would stay at his house Sat,Sun, Mon and Tuesday. On Wednesday's I get my granddaughter (Wed - Sat afternoon) So we decided that Wednesday he would stay at his house and me at mine. Then Thursday he would stay with me and Friday my granddaughter and I would stay at his place... This was a huge move for me.. but the problem is that.... guess what??? He is still drinking... Thursday night he spent at my house and got drunk. Friday we spent the night at his house and he got drunk... then.... we stayed at my house saturday and sunday this weekend and he was drunk both evenings... and when he gets drunk... he is not a very nice person.... he is up to a point.. and once he gets to that point - he turns mean.. not violent - just hateful and everything is my fault... So.. last night - he had me take him home.. didn't want me to stay with him so I didn't... all the way home it was what a terrible person I am - and my prorities are not correct. So today - he gets mad at me when I don't go out there and stay the night?? I never even heard from him ... Now I speak with him and he is drunk again.. and very hateful and all the terrible name calling.....
I think it is time to throw in the towel... the problem is that I love this man so much and really was hoping that we could build a life together.. but I just don't think that he loves me more that he loves his crown.... so ...
NOW how do I live through this???
My heart is breaking...... I was hoping that we could do some counseling - but I don't even know if that would work..

Help me...... please......

[jns]

He is not ready to work on fixing himself about the drinking. I wonder if the non-violent situation will last forever. Are you sure that you can't do better? I think this is a relationship you shouldn't pursue. It is never easy breaking up, but it is for the better.