[Hopeless Dork]

My thought exacly. Sometimes if you have been together for a while and your women feels board and her confidence is low it's possible that it was just an ego boost for her. Make sure you remind her every day how much you love her and how much she means to you. And try a few things to bring the spark back. E mail a naughty message to her while she's at work. Because it seems to me she's missing that intensity and desire and thrill that comes from a new relationship. But don't get me wrong. I am not excusing her behavior.

I was thinking the same. He did say he tells her that he loves her, but feeling loved and feeling desirable are not always the same thing. I think sometimes guys get comfortable and forget that many women do have the desire to be admired for their outside beauty as well as their inside. Loving her and letting her know she is the love of your life meets one need, and letting her know she lights your fires and is a sexy hot mama meets another.

Flirt with her, give her a spank as she walks by... take her out and keep your eyes on her the whole night no matter how hot the waitress is or passers by... act like you notice nothing but her for an evening. Rush in and grab her after work and tell her you've been thinking of how sexy she is all day and couldn't wait to get your hands on her... that passion, that intensity, that feeling that she rocks your socks off will give her way better feelings than some guy online telling her she's pretty. But if you aren't doing any of those thing... its just more likely that the weight of words of strangers will carry more impact for her if its the only place she's hearing them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't think its much different than guys looking at porn.

I understand one thing involves looking and not touching (except themselves) and not talking... and the other involves conversation. But again, a lot of men and women have different needs in that department.


I can look at porn all day and it doesn't arouse me really, I get more turned on being the one getting attention, not giving it. To me i think flirting online would be an equalizer to have a safe, non cheating way of feeling that way, even superficially. I personally don't do that, because I don't think its right, deep down, I guess.

HD there is some truth there... I'm thinking... the porn is "maybe" in some instances, not all, we know that, but in your statement pertaining to this particular thread, missing some sexual needs, past, or present.

On-line flirting .. is an "emotional" thing.. Missing words... spoken...

So, where I see your take in this thread is, is there something missing sexually and / or emotionally?


So in that case, with this thread:-

Who is the agressor, the one who has a high sex drive, and who is the one who is submissive, low sex drive, if that be the case.

Who instigates the affection or doesn't that occur enough?

And because she did it before that could have lead somewhere, maybe she thinks it wouldn't only you think it would OP, blinding herself.

So what's missing? In her relationship, with you?

CW

[jimmykef]

Firstly I have to say a massive 'Thank You' to all those that have taken the time to reply with their own thoughts/reasons. To be honest I expected a barrage of "....it's your fault....".

Without wishing to bore you(!), here's a brief precis:

She was in an unhappy 5 year relationship when we met with a materialistic controller who wanted a trophy on his arm (she's very attractive). Along comes me who by my own admission is a bit of a softy. We clicked and it went from there. I was married by the way and gave up my dream home & amazing spaniel, walking away with less than nothing.

Fab times ensued, we moved house 5 times in 4 years to accomodate her career, she has wanted for nothing. We ARE affectionate although I admit I may fall down on the hugging & squeezing a little. I'm working on that.....

I cannot tell her anymore how much I fancy her - she is in absolutely no doubt whatsoever and never has been! This is because I DO fancy her, as much if not more than 5 years ago. She is incredibly sexy but a little insecure about her body, so I have always gone out of my way to say things to boost her confidence.

The sex side is a tad difficult as I want intimacy more often than once every few months, which we are now. She has to 'feel right' and I also understand that us guys are more animalistic. I back off so as not to pressure her, and when we are together it's fabulous.

She IS trying to re-build the trust and deep-down (VERY deep-down) I do believe that the flirtation was simply that, although she does like attention and will do anything to please someone both personally & professionally.

It's obviously hard to sum up a personality in a few sentences, but again, huge thanks to all of you. It's good to hear unbiased/independent viewpoints and these are helping my head!!

James

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds like you moved heaven and earth to be with her.

But, be careful because he was materialistic and you have worked hard to give her what she needs as well, only you didn't see her as a trophy. But, I think that the previous relationship put a dent in her self worth, that she's just a good looking woman and men just want "sex" from her, as well as using her as a handbag.

Take yourself back to when you first met her. Why she trusted you. Why she chose you. Why she felt safe.

Use those tools again, because we slacken off as we get accustomed and it may very well be that she is "remembering slightly her past" through your actions of "sex" instead of what you both want. INTIMACY.

CW

[Sandra_does]

Well, Jimmy, it's our perrogative to be confusing, isn;t it...? heeeheee We will never truly understand you men either. We tend to hold within while you men tend to burst right out...!

Something CW mentions seems a clue worthy to dwell on..."...but when people have any type of an affair, something is missing."

I don't feel either partner should seek escape to an emotional affair with anyone regardless of previous friendships and / or pleasures. Marriage is a responsible commitment that closes the door to illustrative activities with previous friendships and both must understand that. There is no half-way of acceptance when one commits his / her life and very existance to that of an equal partner...

We girls may analyze and make proposals which are individualistic of our own minds while yet our thoughts bear only our personal limitations of tolerance in our relationship(s). For instance, I feel your wife needs more space because you may be too close in your relationship causing your love to smother her and she needs an outlet to retain her sanity while truly believing and wanting to preserve her marriage. You may be the dominant figure in her image, perhaps too dominant relative to the lifestyle you share...

Personally, I find it un-acceptable to have any sort of emotional affair, especially thru the internet, because I feel it will lead to disastor. Instead, should I realize a problem exists, it's time to sit together and sift thru the problems for cause and fix them. Life seems not meant for perfection which means sacrifice and compromise are a repetative action in any relationship and cannot be avoided...

I feel you should definitely intervene with her emotional afffair and seek the root of the problem directly with her so that whatever the results will be will be understoos by both very clearly with no exceptions or loopholes...

Sandra _does...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Instead, should I realize a problem exists, it's time to sit together and sift thru the problems for cause and fix them. Life seems not meant for perfection which means sacrifice and compromise are a repetative action in any relationship and cannot be avoided...

Amen

[jimmykef]

Sounds like you moved heaven and earth to be with her.

But, I think that the previous relationship put a dent in her self worth, that she's just a good looking woman and men just want "sex" from her, as well as using her as a handbag.

Take yourself back to when you first met her. Why she trusted you. Why she chose you. Why she felt safe.

Use those tools again
CW

Thank you - this makes perfect sense

[pule_p]

You do have a good relationship with your wife indeed, please find out what's she is missing i think she is feeling a sense of loneliness, trust me i have problem and i was feeling lonely half the time coz i was the only person working in the house though he was helping with the chores in the house which i appreciated but that was not enough i needed to feel like any other lady to be spoiled, but i what i then did i ended up chatting with my ex boyfriends not that i was seeing them nor doing lunch , i love my boyfriend dearly but that just kept me going.

[stressed]

If she feels insecure about her body, to the point of avoiding frequent intimacy with you, then flirting online is a "safe" way for her to be sexy and flirty without being seen and therefore have her body judged as a woman. She doesn't seem to be interested in having a relationship with another man but she does seem to need more attention as a woman. I'd go as far as to say that she needs more attention from you, or different ways of showing it.

I also agree that this is no different to porn viewing by men. Certain men turn to porn because they lack something in their sex life. Certain women turn to online flirting because they lack emotional contact. Others do both just because they are bored.

Another thing I was curious about was why would she spend a night alone, in front of the computer with a glass of wine, instead of spending it with YOU and a glass of wine Why would she feel lonely enough to chat with another man and not you. Even if you weren't at home at the time it takes emotional loneliness to do something like that.

Also, your sex life is not as you'd like it to be, so that makes it even easier for you to be worried about her male contacts, let alone her flirty nights. If she doesn't show you how much she wants you as a man then of course you're going to lose trust in her when she shows interest in other men, even by text and even if she was just bored.

Try to find more things to do together at home, talk more -even if just about a neutral subject-, encourage her to find new hobbies, be more affectionate. Of course you're not the only one who has work to do, there is a lot she can do as well and it's not just "your fault". But since we know more about you than her it's just easier to advise you as to what you can change